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Thank you dad. Thank you for teaching me to be independent. Thank you for teaching me to speak my own voice even if I sometimes lose it. Thank you for teaching me that people can change. Thank you for teaching me to fight like hell and never give up. I’m fighting my hardest. And I’m proud of who you’ve become and who you are becoming.

Thank you mom. Thank you for teaching me about forgiveness. Thank you for teaching me about the luxuries in life. Thank you for teaching me about what a healthy family can look like. Thank you for teaching me what a brave face looks like. I’m using that skill a lot right now.

Thank you NW. Thank you for being the most amazing friend. Thank you for the countless hours of conversation. Thank you for the unconditional support. Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to, for the first time in my life, just know with all your heart that your friend will be there no matter what. You are my true soul mate. I love you forever and ever.

Thank you RG/RP. Thank you for coming into my life and changing me and the way I look at the world completely. Thank you for teaching me to grow and be an individual rather than a copy of my dad. Thank you for introducing me to love and making my dream of having a real sister come true. I’m so proud of you and I’m always cheering you on.

Thank you CRH. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Thank you for learning with me. Thank you for being my safe place. Thank you for showing me what true love is and also what true heart break is. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You made me who I am today and a piece of my heart is forever yours.

Thank you SCM. Thank you for showing me that I could love again. Thank you for helping me back on my feet. Thank you for welcoming me in as I was without any expectations. I cherished my time with you and I’m so proud of everything you’ve accomplished.

Thank you JMM. Thank you for showing me that not everything has to be so serious. Thank you for forcing me to grow up. Thank you for making me understand my own worth. Thank you for teaching me it’s okay to take breaks to recharge. Thank you for some of the best sex of my life. Thank you for teaching me how to put myself back together without anyone’s help. I don’t know how I’d be handling life right now had I not learned this skill.

Thank you JF. Thank you for helping me understand my own brain. Thank you for countless hours of advice and laughter. Thank you for helping me through so much professionally and personally. Thank you for always covering for me. Thank you for always telling me the truth no matter how brutal. Thank you for understanding me so well. Thank you for caring so much. I owe my “sanity” to you right now.

Thank you HMP. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me take care of you. Thank you for the distractions and the laughter. Thank you for introducing me to a shit ton of movies and shows. Thank you for letting me into your heart and mind. I promise you I’m not going down without a much bigger fight.

The most significant feeling I’m experiencing is something I can’t quite describe in one word- it’s this horrible guilt and sadness for my friends and family that are going through this with me and knowing they will have to grieve my loss. I went through my few days of isolating and pushing them away but they just came knocking at my door (and have keys so they just came right in) and just sat down next to me on the couch and watched tv with me. I love my friends. It took me until 2 months ago to be able to feel mildly like myself around them but having all of them in a group together completing my bucket list? A dream come true.

The main thing I’ve learned though is that the people who care, will step up and there’s nothing you can do to keep them away.

Okay this started as a crying rant because I was sad about mortality again but now, I’m just so grateful again. I have two parents who are at least willing to be cordial and are doing everything they can for me, and a group of half a dozen people who I trust with my life and are the most fun people in the world to go on adventures with or just sit around watching movies. I may be unlucky with health (my doctors audibly gasped when they were going to print out all my records and realized how many pages there were) but what’s important is that I am so lucky with having an amazing support system who would definitely all be willing to clean my stomach port if needed.