luna

hi! my name is luna and my pronouns are SHE/HER.

(tw ed) this blog is my safe space for me and only me. i will use the blog as a personal diary and write whatever comes to my mind.

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not pr0 anything! i just need a space where i can rant about this disorder, please if you get triggered just block me! don't take this space away from me, my 3*d won't end if you do.

this is a side blog so unfortunately tumblr doesn't let me do much, that's the reason if i won't follow you back (and no, i don't want to follow with my main blog i don't feel comfortable).

i'm not really into 4na buddies and etc, but if you have some question my asks are always open.

no minors.

STATS

height: 170cm

sw: 94kg ———— sbmi: 32.5

(1st)lw: 67kg ———— (1st)lbmi: 23.2

cw: 60kg ———— cbmi: 20.8

✧ 75kg ✓

✧ 70kg ✓

✧ 65kg ✓

✧ 60kg ✓

✧ 55kg

can’t wait to live alone late this year.

when i was fatter nobody said anything but now (even though i’m still fat, just less so and apparently for them i should stop here) they’re unbearable.

if i say no to something they made, they get super offended even though they know i’m on a diet and have my own food!! like what do they expect? i’ve said a million times they shouldn’t cook stuff for me and then they act all shocked when i refuse it.

latest thing is i bought a walking pad, didn’t ask them for anything, paid it all myself, and they still kinda complain when i use it sometimes.. wtf ???

i feel constantly sabotaged.

my mom showed me a pic of her in a swimsuit and she looks amazing while i still look like a fat pig.

if i had a relationship with her i’d love to ask how she lost weight, i wish i knew more… my sister just told to my mom that she was basically starving because she didn’t like anything they gave her and now i’m kinda thinking about doing like a month where i fast as much as possible and only eat once a day, something light like veggies, green tea with some diet cookies, or greek yogurt or plain yogurt.

just to be sure to hit or be close my gw for my birthday.

also my mother asked me what i’m gonna do for my birthday and i said that it depends on how i’ll look lmao she was kinda mad at me saying that i’m not that fat lmfaoooo what kinda of answer is this? i’m not that fat? i wanna be skinny not “not that fat”.

i hate it.

i hate that she can’t just admit i’m fat.

like yeah, you’re my mom, but can you be fucking real for once instead of feeding me all this bullshit?

i often dont want to go out, and i dont go out, because of my body, i always feel too fat to go out, especially in the summer because there you dont have any jacket or coat that can cover you.

just wrote everything that comes to mind at the moment, sorry if it has a somewhat messy structure.

april went amazing but now i’m in pms and i’ve been bingeing for exactly six days. the binges aren’t huge but they still count and i hate myself so much for it.

i know it’s just an excuse, and i already feel gross just having my period instead of being in amenorrhea.

so i just started a fast idgaf, i know you’re not supposed to fast after a binge but i’d rather do a 24/48H “detox” where the only thing that goes into my stomach is water or tea.

i hate feeling my stomach full so why did i stuff myself so much? i hate myself.

i know i can have amazing self-control and yet every single time the week before my period hits, it’s like i transform and i’m hungry 24/7 + can’t control myself at all.

also, like i wrote in my last post, i changed my ugw. from 55kg to 50kg. the goal is still to be at least 55kg for my birthday (mid july). oh and i graduated!! but yeah, ever since graduation i’ve been eating like crap. </3

now that i’m more free i really need to focus only and exclusively on how i look, on my body, weight loss and workouts. in september/october i’ll start my master’s degree and before moving there i have to reach my ugw. the people i’ll meet for the first time can’t know the old fat version of me, only the skinny one.

and i can’t wait to move out and live alone or with roommates just because that means only my food will be in the house. part of my binges always come from the things my parents buy (junk food or just carbs) but i already know that if i lived alone this would barely happen, cause i wouldn’t even keep food in the house lmao and i’m not the kind of person who’d spend money on food, i hate it, never done that.

and even if i lived with roommates i’d never eat their food. i mean that’s just basic logic?? actually i think it’s super rude to eat other people’s stuff (or use their things in general) especially without permission. they spent their money on it aka it’s not yours and you shouldn’t even touch it unless they tell you it’s okay. but like who even asks for food? definitely not me with an 3d!

i wouldn’t want to come off as greedy or someone who loves food… (i know i sound insane but i have an 3d what did you expect from me lmao).

also, i gotta eat light in general ‘cause, i don’t know about you, but when i overeat i literally can’t leave the house. like, if a friend randomly asked me to hang out, i’d straight up lie just to stay home and not be seen with a bloated stomach.

or for example, even though my parents say i’m thin (they’re insane, how can they say bs like that), after this last binge i locked myself in my room because i’m so ashamed of myself and my bloated stomach (they can’t see it ‘cause i’m wearing a loose t-shirt but i feel it and i feel disgusting).

talking about my parents…can i just say how much i hate the way they treat me now that i’m “skinny”? (ofc still according to their standards—i don’t see myself as skinny at all).

30kg ago i was doing the exact same things. i even fasted for seven days straight! just water, not even tea or coffee! and no one said a single word. and you know why? because i was objectively super fat back then. so starving myself was totally fine—no one cared, as long as i was losing weight. that’s all that mattered. not how, just that it was happening.

last thing, as i said before i set my ugw at 50kg (bmi 17.3) but tbh idk maybe i’m gonna lower it…who knows?

lately i keep seeing pics of girls with bodies i find amazing, and the “bad” part is that they’re almost all bmi 15, so the road to feeling at least decent about myself is still long :/ but i don’t wanna give up! tonight is the last night i ate like trash, i just started a fast and i’ll focus again on what makes me feel good—eating little and being in control.

i’ve been looking at clothes online for days since everything i have at home is way too big now, but i just can’t bring myself to order anything.

the only stuff i like has really short sleeves or is super tight and i just don’t feel comfortable wearing that.

i can’t stop thinking about my appearance, my body, and how tomorrow night i’m gonna have to wear a tight dress and i’m scared i’ll look fat or my stomach will be all bloated after eating.

if i wasn’t so caught up in how i look, i’d actually enjoy things way more.

i’d just live the moments.

but no, instead i’m stuck worrying about this dumb stuff, like my whole worth depends on it.

i know it doesn’t, like, logically… but it still feels impossible not to put that pressure on myself.

when it’s about other people i barely notice, and even if i do, i just think it’s normal because we’re all human, no one looks perfect 24/7.

some days are better, some worse.