zendaya c. sideblog

kicking my feet i can't believe he loves while you were sleeping

happy, bewitched, hesitant, scared, conflicted.

am i ready to open this can of worms? am i ready to know what the people i love have kept from me?

i love you so much, i love you more than you could know. but i just... god, i'd die to protect you. i'd die to protect your freedom, your autonomy, your humanity. i am absolutely terrified your judgement is too clouded. i should have told you sooner, i should have spared you. please, please. let me forgive myself. let me stop worrying. please

i tell you and you tell me you love me. are you real? have i dreamt you up somehow? you told me to take it back, that i do deserve it. but i don't. i don't, because there's more. there's so much more you don't know and i'm so, so horrible because all i can worry about as you sleep next to me is how i hope you don't wake up with a changed mind. begging whatever god there is that you stay, you stay and you ask your questions and you stay when i tell you.

you’ve ruined me, i’m ruined. i cannot breathe properly with your hands and lips on my body, and now i cannot breathe properly with them off. i’m yours, i’m destroyed. i’m marked all to hell, left here pressing on the tender skin like a mad man because i long to feel you again, to feel more, and it's horrible. it's horrible... because it will fade. it will fade slow, but it will fade faster than it should. ...god, how will i tell you about it? what if you regret it all, so i never get the chance to? would that be better?

there is... a comfortability between us. it's warm, and it's simple. it's easy, and it's soft. perhaps it is just that we have been friends for so long. perhaps, perhaps. i hope to never lose it, regardless of the reason.

one day, we will have to talk about this. about whatever is brewing, about whatever you're making me feel. about how much i enjoy your company, your time, you. but... i feel so anxious, i feel so selfish. i hope it isn't one day soon. maybe it's assuming too much, like you could feel the same. you could want... as i do. what i do. maybe... i don't know. i hope it's just an assumption. i hope it all stays hidden for longer.

i fear i am confused. my feelings dancing around in my brain too fast to quite catch.