An Attempt At Honesty

feels alone at some point in their lives. It does not matter who you are. Whether you’re a six year old child or a forty year old man with a wife and a couple of children, you will always end up having that feeling that there is no one in the world who truly understands you. It’s interesting because humans are the only creatures in the world who are so complicated that we can never be satisfied with the people and things that are around us. 

This is the current state that I am going through right now. Pains and sufferings seem so petty in hindsight, but when we’re in that moment it feels as if it’s the most important thing in the world. My current dilemma is how I have lost an opportunity to be with someone who truly makes me happy. This person makes me smile for no reason. Just hearing her voice or seeing her face on the computer screen is enough to brighten my day. However, now it just brings pangs of sadness into my heart. She’s the person that’s off limits because of the decisions I made in the spur of a moment. 

The worst part is that this feeling makes me feel pathetic. If I were to be reading this post about someone else I would be thinking “Wow that guy needs to get a life” and I don’t want to be the type of person that can’t function without a person next to him. As stated in the previous post, I have such tremendous dreams for myself and the path to achieve that is filled with hardship. I shouldn’t be letting this situation bring me down. 

But what can I do? As much as I hate to admit it, these emotions.... these feelings are so hard to control. I know what that it’s right of me to not pursue this person. One, because failure is guaranteed. Second, because another person precious to me has captured her heart. It’s like a version of myself is trapped in  cell and is begging to be released. He pleads “why do you do this to yourself?” like a child who can’t perceive the situation to be harmful in reality. 

I’ve been on a tumblr hiatus for quite some time now. The last time I really checked up on my tumblr news feed was the previous summer? Even though i hate to admit it, my tumblr used to be a way for me to communicate my honest thoughts to my followers. However, I’ve decided to start uploading text posts again without the expectation for other people to read them. Instead, I’m going to use this as a way for me to write down the highs and lows of my life so that I can reflect upon them in the near future.

Interestingly enough it seems like I come back to tumblr whenever something dramatic happens in my life. This comeback is no exception to that principle. The toughest aspect of my life right now is the process of studying for the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test). A majority of the people I know are actually still struggling with what they want to do as a full time career. However, I’ve always set my mind on becoming a lawyer. But why?

I actually can’t pinpoint an exact moment where I had this “ah-ha!” revelation. It’s just that every time I encountered the concept of law whether it be through meeting actual lawyers, watching law-related TV shows, or by reading about legal matters in the news I found it fascinating. Perhaps it was the fact that lawyers had the power to save or destroy a person’s life through a mechanism that is permissible in society’s eyes. But as you can guess I was never interested in using law for destruction. Instead the interest was focused around using law to help the people in need. Yes, yes it’s a very idealistic thought, but I don’t think that the fact that my thoughts are somewhat idealistic allows it to be dismissed. 

So who would my profession benefit? Well, I would have to go back to my cultural roots to answer that question. Simply put, I’m a Korean-American who has been hovering between both cultures for a very long time now. In Southern California, Korean-Americans are usually labeled as Korean’s who have assimilated completely into the American culture and are only Korean simply by blood. This isn’t how I would describe myself. I’m a Korean American who has enjoyed both the best of both cultures. This is why I still feel like I have strong ties to Korea and when I think about my northern counterparts, my heart aches. 

This thought is what led me to pursue international law. Both public and private. I believe that the two Koreas will reunify one day and that international law will play a huge role in stabilizing that region. Therefore, I’m striving to become a lawyer that specializes in international law. It’s a big dream isn’t it?

You can imagine the stress that I get from having this incredible dream of mine. Ever since I started studying for the LSATs back in January I’ve been coping with a huge amount of stress. The first thing on my mind when I wake up would be about law school. On the few nights that I get some sleep, the last thing on my mind before I doze off is the thought of law school. I know that this is not a healthy habit, but despite my attempts to find some distractions, my guilty conscience always pulls me back to working towards law school. I guess that tumblr can classify as one of those distractions. 

And throughout this entire process the thought of failure plagues my mind. I like to think of myself as a smart person, but God knows that there are plenty of more capable people than me out there who are also going to apply for the top law schools this year. I’ve been through a lot of crucial moments in my life in which I end up failing. However, words cannot describe how much I want to succeed on my first try this time. I don’t want to disappoint myself. I don’t want to disappoint my family. I certainly don’t want to disappoint the people I will hopefully end up helping. Therefore, I pray that I may receive the strength and perseverance necessary to get into a top tier law school this winter.