oh , how you would go back to the days you had your grandfather. what a privilege for others to still have theirs and you , stuck with the empty space he left you with. what were you going to do with the emptiness , what could you use to fill it with ? how you wish he communicated with you better.

time cannot be reversed , it doesn't work that way just because you wanted it to.

there are things you can never have. yet you still wished for the impossible , sometimes.

before your grandfather passed away when you were 12 , he always asked why you never replied to his messages. he lived in the same house as you did , you were confused at that and about the messages. you had never received on your small phone that your father gifted you , it was only for emergencies. you never knew what he was talking about until he passed away and your father took a look on his phone just to see that he actually did messaged you , just on your old number. you never received those messages.

he had messaged you pictures of your cats sitting on his lap or at the side of his leg , his breakfast , lunch and dinner along with random pictures of your cats' behaviour. it had been years ever since he passed away , and you thought about that one messaged where he asked why you were not answering. perhaps you were hallucinating about it when you were first grieving.

it was hard to process what loss was as a twelve-year-old. six years before his passing , you lost your grandmother. you were six years old when you had a tantrum because you just realised she passed.

even as an adult now , you still couldn't digest grief properly. it was still hard losing some loved ones and you knew if they were still here , life would be really good. it'd be selfish to ask for that but you couldn't help it.

you were starting to forget their faces and voices , which pained you and costed your happiness – slightly. you tried picturing their faces many times without looking at your phone , you couldn't find any traces of them in your head. those unreplied messages resided in your head , owning the corner of your mind. this could be an exaggeration but you could die from this grief.

it's like your mind had deleted them to fit more memories to come. you could see their empty spot being occupied by cats or critters. it's like life knew that was their spot. life was miserable.

however , you didn't need to be.

you visit your grandparents more often than not. you would leave flowers you think they'd like and sometimes , stories. you would talk about your day and what your family was up to , most of the time.

usually , you visit at a specific time. when the sun was about to set , just to soothe your mind knowing that they're witnessing this , too. perhaps , sitting and watching the sunset was the closest thing you'd have to seeing them.

however , there this one specific day you bumped into a man.

it was kita shinsuke ; your classmate for three years in high school , captain for the volleyball team , disciplined and attentive. he was allegedly feared by his own teammates , as he was somehow strict. yet , as you bumped into him — all you saw was the softness of his face.

"oh! i apologise for bumping into you," you bowed down as you apologised. the man looming over you was enchanting. it felt like flowers bloom when he was present.

"don't worry , it was me who was not paying attention. i should apologise for that," he bowed down while his eyes shut closed. you shook your head , denying.

"i didn't pay attention! it would be who should apologise."

"i insist."

at length , after much consideration , you nodded.

the both of you awkwardly stood in front of each other while looking around as if you're trying to find something. you were just acquaintances , nothing too serious or too loose. the path that you were standing in lack cement and more of gravel , made noises below you as you shuffled your feet.

he noticed this and decided to speak up first : "i should go. i have errands to run," his voice slow and soft , his legs already moving to leave the spot.

you nodded while giving him a small wave , bidding him goodbye.

"have a great day," said you , eyes casted downwards.

he mumbled out a reply but it was distant. you never see him again until a few weeks.

a flower appeared on a garden somewhere.

~

you had never solicit anyone when it comes to grief or moving on , believing in soliloquies are much better. it is only you who could listen to yourself better. often times , you didn't need any solutions. you just need a listener.

yet , most people never understood that.

it was hard to scour the grief that has built up over the years and impose yourself to throw it away. a certain smell sometimes would trigger the nostalgia and some certain food tasted just like how they cooked.

that's why , you came back to the cemetery one evening. you decided to not stay until sunset but instead brought some flower seeds. it's like your love growing for them each day just like the flowers. the flower seeds are a metaphor to you.

you crouched down in front of your grandmother's grave first , pulling out the flower seeds from your tote bag. the seeds were native wildflowers , you thought about giving back to nature as bees would hang around at the flowers. you hoped that all life will feel the love you're pouring out through the flowers.

a sudden noise made you stopped what you were doing.

"what are you doing there?" a voice so familiar spoke up behind you. or to be specific , above you.

"trying to plant flowers..?" you shrugged , too lazy to turn around. bare hands touching the soil as you digged into it to place the flower seeds before kita crouched down as well to stop you.

"at least wear gloves," he said before turning to look at you to stare into your eyes. weirdo.

"i don't have any and i can just wash my hands," you rolled your eyes and continued , pushing his hands away to do so.

"if you don't worms are going to crawl in between your nails."

"WHAT—"

you jumped up and accidentally hit kita on his chin.

"that was NOT real , right? you're messing around," you pointed accusedly at him.

one brow raised at this , shaking his head. "what if i'm right?"

"that's a myth for children, to scare them off."

"no , it's not."

"yes , it is."

"can we stop playing this fighting game? it's childish."

"YOU are childish !"

glaring at each other before you decided that you lost. it was definitely a myth but you're going to find gloves now or he will never let this go.

"fine , help me find some gloves."

"no need , i have extra here in my bag."

"why the FRICK you didn't say earlier?"

it was his turn to shrug , "i didn't feel like saying it."

"seriously?" you grimaced at him before dragging your feet towards the grave once more. arm stretched towards him as you said , "can you give me the extra gloves?"

he smiled and that smile didn't reach his eyes yet it was soft. the small smile felt like it was the sun , it brighten your view to the point it was slowly killing you.

'who do you think you are smiling at me like that?'

you thought to yourself.

"sure , isn't it easy to just listen and obey?"

"obey? you think i am some sort of slave?"

"i didn't say that , you did."

"you are one odd man," you said as you shook your head in disbelief. glancing at him once again before working on your flower seeds. what a day.

another flower appeared on a garden , somewhere.

-

helping your parents run a restaurant wasn't easy as you thought it would be. you still remember confidently saying you'd be able to help them and not break a sweat. now , you're sweating buckets.

never underestimate opening a restaurant or shop.

they exquisite ramen that local people loved and always came back for it. you've seen a regular customer eating at this restaurant for breakfast , lunch and dinner! you were thinking they have an addiction to this place.

you have also seen the same customer brings in multiple different girls each visit. all your parents and their staff could do was shake their heads at this man each time he smiled sheepishly. if the girls are constantly different , then he ought to stop because he might be the problem here.

numerous people have entered your family's restaurant and had you never seen kita shinsuke here. somehow , one a random tuesday , there he was.

standing confused at the front door , looking at the menu that was printed on the door. you could see his silhouette move before the door opened and there was the man who intrigued you so much until you couldn't sleep at night.

sighing before shouting , "welcome !"

his head raised quite immediately after hearing your voice , probably shocked to see you behind the counter. he strode from the entrance to where you were standing before taking a seat on one of the empty stools.

his hands clasped each other as he ordered a tofu hamburger and iced tea.

"tofu hamburger , huh?" you said , before turning around to make his order. he stared at you for a while , noticing that you looked calm here. your shoulders relaxed and wasn't strained by stress , your posture looked soft instead of cranky.

a small smile appeared on his face as he noticed this , acknowledging that this place was your safe haven.

"yes , it's my favourite."

you focused on making iced tea first , scooping up ice from the freezer and taking out a coaster from the drawers using your free hand. the coaster was handmade by your siblings , they get crafty sometimes. your parents decided to put them and some people actually asked whether it was on sale.

your parents , of course — had to say yes. technically , they put your siblings for child labour after. well , nobody needs to know about that.

you gave the iced tea to him when it's done after a few minutes and his fingers brushed yours. cliche , but it made your heart skipped a beat. hell , you could hear yourself mute the world and the only sound you could hear was from him sipping mindlessly on the drink.

a short answer from him earlier , you realised. it seems that he wasn't talking much , perhaps because there were customers around or he didn't have much words to use. it's not like those customers loved to eavesdrop , although the older folks do , mostly the younger ones don't. they're too busy focusing on their own businesses.

which was why you assumed he was probably trying to find things about you so that he could poke and tease you. that wasn't the case , though.

"you look calm , here. i'm happy about that ," he said with soft half lidded eyes. he was still sipping on the drink , the cup halfway empty. yet , he looked genuine when he said that so your assumptions went away like the wind.

you still remember what your grandfather said : "i will never be able to find anyone like your grandmother."

oh , to be loved like that. you thought good men had evaporated , carried away by the wind and lived elsewhere. somewhere you couldn't and would never reach.

yet , after seeing the soft look on kita shinsuke's face — you thought otherwise.

hence , you were glad his tofu hamburger needed attention so you turned around to tend to it. there was no way he should see your flustered face , it was burning up like you had a fever.

"thanks," you mumbled. you could feel him smiling like an idiot.

as the tofu hamburger was cooked , you prepared for it with slight shaky hands. you were quite intimidated by the magic he had on you. who was he ? meddling with your business in life all of a sudden when the both of you were never close back in high school.

hell , you never really glanced at each other. all you did was focus in class and sometimes talk to your friends. relationships or boys weren't in your head much back then. sure , you had your crushes here and there but none of them mattered much.

you practically gave up when each time you liked someone , their darkest evil secrets were revealed and that pulled you away. you dodged a bullet each time it happened.

it was odd that after years of high school , he appeared right back in your life and acted as if he was a close acquaintance. to you , he was just some classmate.

but to him , you were a flower in a profusion of weeds.

he had noticed your kindness and he was in a trance each time you laughed. at first , he thought of it as a small crush or a slight admiration he held for you.

slowly , it turned into something bigger.

second year of high school was the year he didn't dare to call the feeling , love. he realised he grew soft-spined and it felt like his life somersaulted into a ditch. also , he realised this when he started soliloquy in his room.

he thought he was going crazy.

when he reached third year , he gave up on confessing and decided to just love you from afar. to some , this might be a waste. but to him , nothing was a waste if you're the one pouring love.

his grandmother had said , "you would always have more love even if you have poured out too much," and that was what kept him with this hunger of loving you.

a few weeks before bumping into you , he actually had seen you visiting the cemetery more frequently. shrugging off immediately after seeing you , not wanting to hope that you'd visit more. he felt guilty for using his grandmother to see you more but she was the one who told him to always pursue what he liked.

although , his grandmother had always been the one giving advices and he'd been following them. so far , nobody else had given him too much advices like she does.

on the day he bumped into you , it was on purpose. he didn't know how to greet you properly like a normal person. although it was on purpose , he actually stumbled over a rock that was half buried.

he prayed so that he didn't accidentally hurt you to the point he actually started a monologue in his head while you were staring at each other awkwardly. also , he thought he was gazing at you lovingly but he thought again that night that maybe he looked like a deer in headlights or maybe a creepy goat.

he had never wanted to delete his existence so bad.

it was a coincedence that after a few weeks of bumping into you , he had gloves in his bag because he had just finished shopping for gardening tools. he had enjoyed instagram and tiktok too much to the point he saw a familiar guy making videos of tips on how to garden. turned out it was actually former volleyball captain of shiratorizawa.

immediately , he messaged the man personally to get to know more about gardening. they actually had went out a couple of times to talk about vegetables and food at osamu's onigiri shop.

enthusiasm was what he felt when he saw you holding a pack of native wildflower seeds. he was glad the person he admired so much actually cares about nature. he knew he liked you for a reason ! (and many)

he never figured out as to why he liked you so much. whether it was because that one time you paired together for a project and you were one of the benevolent people he had ever met. maybe that one time you selfishly gave your money to help him out at lunch or maybe when you wished good luck each time you had tests.

he was zoning out before you snapped your fingers. he immediately blinked his eyes and looked up at you. you raised your brow at him , pointing at the food.

"does my tofu hamburger looked ugly? that's why you're not eating?"

"no , no. i was just thinking about something," he grinned at you whereas you squinted your eyes.

"thinking about what?"

"you."

another flower appeared on a garden , once again.

-

that night , you rolled yourself in bed and slammed your pillow into your face roughly. you screamed while your body rocked back and forth.

"WHAT was that?"

you couldn't sleep and it's already 12 a.m. tomorrow evening , there was a festival and you had to help your parents open up a stall there. you hoped to not see him there but you knew he'd always be wherever you are.

maybe with his stupid former volleyball teammates. they're not stupid but since they're all associated with him , you thought they were. the most infuriating part of this all was he just ate his tofu hamburger as if nothing happened! you thought the man was wicked for doing that to you because how dare he?

the moment he indulged in his food , you took off your apron and left the counter. the next staff was coming in for his shift anyways. you didn't look back into the restaurant once you exited.

but you could feel his eyes glancing at your form.

you knew it was him because there was no one else who could give you that goosebumps despite the day being warm and sunny. he was the sun and the ice at the same time. cold , most of the time and bright for certain occasions.

'what am i going to do tomorrow once i see him?'

the evening came by fast and the next thing you knew was preparing ramen at your family's stall. your dad was making beverages and you hated that he was focusing on iced tea because that was what kita had yesterday.

"honey , what's on your mind?" your mother asked , hands still busy with chopping vegetables. yet , her eyes stared right into your soul , demanding an answer.

"mm , nothin'. it's just been tiring," you sighed as you stacked bowls. suddenly , your dad interrupted.

"tiring? the festival was just about to start and all you did was carry vegetables!"

you glared at him before pouting. "well , i am not tired physically. just emotionally."

"why so?"

"it's nothing too important , later on i'll talk about it—"

"excuse me , is the stall ready?" a voice oh so familiar appeared. you could see his shadow glooming over your vegetables , it appeared there was more than one person was standing. oh , you were right.

looking up , there they stood. kita shinsuke and his former teammates. there was the miya twins , aran — whom you knew so well due to his politeness and patience , suna — the guy who always had videos of the twins fighting and you assumed he made money from them.

somehow , there was only four of his friends in front of you. usually , you would see him with ginjima on his instagram story. perhaps he was busy and couldn't make it to the festival.

anyways , it wasn't your business to care. you didn't care who he was with or associated with. at the moment , all you wanted was to run away and hide. maybe change your identity and move to another country. japan have the organisation to do that , to let people evaporate. you thought about it sometimes and especially after yesterday.

"oh , yes! we are ready. what do young men like you would like to have?" your dad was really friendly when it comes to his customers. maybe that's why they were hooked onto your restaurant.

your mother smiled softly before patting your back , "just enjoy today's festival , okay? we have staff coming over soon , you can go and have fun. okay?"

you hoped you could have fun with these feelings scattered all over the place. still , you smiled at your mother before turning back to your vegetables. trying to ignore the man in front of you who had a strong energy immersing from him.

naturally , you'd go explore the festival but knowing he's here — you don't really want to. your stomach started to grumble as if you needed food when you literally devoured 2 bowls of ramen in depression.

however , it's actually the anxiety built up overnight had just started to react. luckily , people had started to crowd the festival so nobody could hear your body crying out loud.

they were waiting and got distracted by watching your dad making their orders. you didn't know this but your dad had a hunch you were troubled with one of these boys because you were too quiet to his liking. he knows his daughter.

on the other hand , kita watched your fingers gripped the chopped vegetables a bit too roughly. he loomed closer towards you , leaning closer to watch. you could feel his sudden presence , pouting slightly and lifted your head up to make him see it.

he noticed it and smiled. it was evening and it felt like the sun had shone through his skin making it translucent. you stopped chopping the poor , abused vegetables to finally gaze into his eyes.

"what do you want?" you said , tone lowered so that his friends couldn't eavesdrop. it would be dangerous if they heard you. they're just a few meters away from you , you couldn't take any chances. you're glad your father was keeping them busy.

"why did you run away?" he stared at you with a resting face. he had a mean resting face.

"when?" you said as you pretended to not know what he's talking about.

he hummed at you before standing up straight and properly. "so you want to keep on running away?"

"i didn't ran away. i'm not even running away—"

"then why are you being awkward? we were fine yesterday , no?"

"we've always been like this , right? we're not even friends. i didn't even know you that well back in high school ," the statement from you made his eyes casted downwards before nodding.

"i respect that you do not want to be friends," he pursed his lips into a tight line. he realised he never put any labels to whatever you were having. this whole time he thought you guys were friends or maybe more than friends but not more than lovers.

your eyes blinked furiously at his response , clearly not expecting that answer from him. he was respectful to everyone but after a few times of 'hanging out' you thought he would argue back.

the both of you broke your gaze on each other when your father bid goodbyes to his friends while handing them their orders. he took one last glance at you before turning away and following them , blending in the crowd.

from the loud noise of the speakers and people , you could feel your heart cracked. it shouldn't bother you , right? this was what you wanted.

a flower did not appear on a garden that day.

that night , it was kita's turn to struggle to sleep. usually , he never had any problems with his schedule regardless of any occasions. somehow , tonight was the night he struggled to sleep. kita shinsuke was finally slipping from his disciplinary.

not really , he knew he'd be able to come back after whatever dance he was dancing with you. it seems that he was the only one absentmindedly dancing on the dance floor like a madman. maybe he was one.

laying down in bed and looking up to the ceiling , made him feel numb. feeling helpless with what he's going through and he didn't have his grandmother by his side. it was terrible to not have the person you cherished the most be there with you. or be there for you.

after years of admiring you , it may have come to an end. he'd never stop respecting you and your wishes but he wished he was one of your wishes. he wished his face was the one you hoped to see in the future. he wished it was him that you think about every night but he felt like he was selfish for asking this.

suddenly , he remembered this one song from faye webster and its lyric , "i'm here regardless of the pain. don't ever tell me to go away , from you."

he never listened to that song again after , thought it wasn't that relatable much. but , he thought again about that song and the lyric that got stuck in the back of his head. scrunching his face in pain as his head was in it too much , he decided to roll over and sleep.

perhaps , that's better than trying make up a conclusion.

-

a few days had passed , you visited the cemetery again. it felt like there was no other right places you should be other than here. walking pass the garden beside the cemetery , you ignored the way the flowers sway following the wind.

you wish you could follow the wind , sometimes. maybe the wind would know where to bring you instead of where you were — a dead end. why did kita left you just like that ? did you say something wrong ?

it was true after all. you never had labels for each other , seeing him occasionally didn't mean you were friends. you were just acquaintances just like back in high school. but it felt like there was some strings pulling you towards him instead of away from him.

had you known that he wanted more , you would've not been here. these past few weeks felt like how it was when you were classmates. near yet not too close you could feel each other's scent. there was distance between the both of you yet you were never really far away.

kita was never a part of your life , so why was he now ?

your feet stopped at the gate of the cemetery as your eyes landed on a figure not so far away from you. his outfit was different. usually , he'd wear a white shirt and brown pants he loved to wear to the cemetery.

however , he wore a blue shirt and dark blue pants. the colour was melancholic and as if symbolising one's sorrows. was that what he was feeling at the moment ?

your dragged your feet towards him instead of your grandparents' graves. for once , you're not going towards them and they might be clapping for you wherever they are. maybe , it was time to migrate to a new garden.

it's not like you're supposed to leave the garden you worked with your grandparents , there were numerous species of flowers in your garden. some symbolised happiness and good news , some disappointment and departure.

maybe , you ought to grow a profusion of flowers with someone else. maybe , kita was the right person for it.

"hey , kita."

he didn't turn around to meet your eyes , it was you who were behind him instead. this time , you weren't offering gloves like he did.

you offered your hand to let him hold and he finally turned around. his right hand twitched as if wanting to grabbed yours but he didn't.

sighing , you dropped your hand. the hem of your shirt was gripped by your hands instead , not really wanting to show the disappointment. yet , he could see it in your eyes.

while your eyes casted downwards , his eyes stared at your half lidded eyes. he saw his figure and he thought about how you see him. was he beautiful in your eyes? did you want to capture his heart and hug his soul like he did?

the love he felt for you was stronger than the disappointment he had and he decided to focus on that. "why are you here?"

his voice made you look up to meet his eyes , making you feel even more guilty. his face held a thousand words unspoken and you rue the day you said those words to him.

"i don't think we are friends because you didn't say or clarify anything. i thought the only thing we shared in common was grief," you took a deep breath before continuing.

"and we were never close back then. i was confused as to why we suddenly got close after not seeing each other for a long time?"

"i had always wanted to be your friend and talk to you. but i respect the fact that you only talk to girls so i assumed you would never have time for me simply because i am a man."

"seriously? i–"

"wait , i'm not finished. i do want to be your friend but i thought we don't have to clarify anything to be friends , right?"

"oh my , kita. you are bad at socialising," you huffed and slapped his chest. he held his chest while looking concerned and frowned.

"i am not , i think."

"if we are the way we are , i would just say we are acquaintances. not friends , because i don't know anything much about you."

his frown was even tighter , "really? do we really have to dig into someone's privacy to finally be friends?"

"no , just ask simple questions instead of saying eccentric stuff most of the time. and don't appear suddenly behind me. greet or make some noises before you just speak up," you sighed and crossed your arms.

"oh , i hope i never gave you heart attack."

"i am perfectly healthy , thank you."

you smiled at him before holding out your palm towards him. "we good?"

"yes."

he took your hand and the both of you went walked away from the cemetery , quite happy that you could move onto the next step of the relationship you have.

you were sure it was not quite a friendship nor a relationship but something in between. and you know you'll be able to work it all out together.

another flower appeared on a garden , finally having a place for itself.

the thing about grieving is that you would never be able to truly forget about them. they would act like a glitter being poured onto a couch , you could try as hard as you want to get rid of it , but you'd still find the glitter at the crevices of the couch. it would never really , truly leave you. they don't just disappear from your life , they're there but in a different way. you could still feel their love , just not in the physical way you want to. nevertheless , love does not stop just because the person was absent.

love keeps on going , it is an energy anyways. energy usually comes in a form of heat or light , in your case , you could feel the warm heat of his love through the home you're currently residing in. it cannot be simply destroyed. it would continue on , no matter where you are. love would also leave imprints everywhere. the ice cream stall you both loved to go , your favourite western restaurant , favourite onigiri stall , his favourite colour that you see everywhere , repeated words that he loved to say that was somehow everywhere every single time you open a book.

love does not really run out , it just changes form. the once burning flame inside the both of your hearts were now lambent and gentle. he will haunt you through your memories , absent in the future but never in the heart or mind. his side of the bed will remain cold unless you meet another , but you weren't sure if you could try for another as there would be no other like him.

after leaving the cemetery to get his favourite flavour of ice cream , you couldn't find his kind of smile in the crowd. his smile felt like there was one and only , just from him , special just for you. his smile was for everybody yet the reason behind it was all of you. his laugh that escaped along with his smile was the cherry on top for your day , it warmed your heart like a familiar hot chocolate you used to drink together on a rainy or snowy day.

his small touches throughout the day was no longer present , it felt like your skin was raging with anger without his touches. back at home , you were waiting for the hugs that never missed as you opened the door. he would instantly jump into your arms , already heating you with his body along with his heart.

coming back home and not receiving a hug as usual broke you , the silence was bitter and painful like a salt on wound. your heart was a festering sore , a huge gap of wound in the middle letting all of the love and blood poured out.

eyes closed as you pinched yourself , not wanting to believe this was reality. there was no way he was gone , denying his absence was the presence of your grief. you told yourself that he was just lost , not knowing how to come back home.

but there would be no way he doesn't know home when it comes to you. he would come back home in any kind of form , bleeding from the heart or on cloud 9 , he'd let you feel it together with him. you shared your pains and happiness along with anger and grief. now , you were the only one feeling all — especially grief.

as your back hit the couch , you stared up at the ceiling. the fan wasn't opened nor the air conditioner , wanting to feel the defeaning silence without the interruption in the air. with this , you could feel how empty the house was. the house was dark as bokuto was your only source of light. it wasn't like the house lack any furniture or food , it was all enough. you just lack the person who you loved so much. who adored you just as much as you did. you still do. him not being here will not change the fact that you love him. it will never ever change. you were sure that he wouldn't change his mind , too — wherever he is right now.

you were certain of one thing , he'd always be in your heart.

the second stage was anger ; akaashi had asked you to come out of the house and take a step forward from grief. there was no way you could leave from the smell of his that still lingered in the house , you were afraid it would be replaced if you went outside and came back with a different smell. you never wanted the warmth and the smell to ever go away. they felt like a hug for you.

you screamed in his face when he tried to pull you out of your house , not wanting to see him. when he left , you had a breakdown in anger afterwards. you slid on your front door , the entrance of your now cold home. you were angry on the fact that the loss was quick yet not easy. how the illness took him instantly and he didn't even pass away in his own home. he should've passed away in here and you were angry of that.

although you understood akaashi's intent , you were adamant on staying home. all he did was sigh at your respond , knowing that you were in a slump , not wanting to come out. he knew that you needed to heal and move on , but it was not the time yet , he figured.

for 2 months , you kept it all to yourself. even your coworkers had asked how you were doing and even offered for a day out together yet you refused them all. you couldn't accept that bokuto was gone and you weren't going to go if bokuto's not there as your plus one.

sometimes , your girl friends had also messaged you but all you did was push him away. your anger was slowly eating you up , there was no more warmth in the house — there was only tension in the air and the house felt like it was getting smaller and smaller , trapping you in.

but that was just what you're feeling , it was all in your head.

in a state of confusion on how people can just adapt , accept it and move on. all you're doing at the moment was anything but acceptance. there were many people out there who could just find a new person and live on with it. how could you ? what was it that they saw that you still haven't seen and understood just yet?

what changed their mind?

it felt like there was nobody who could answer your question. you were spiraling in your bedroom , rotting silently in your bed with windows closed tight and the room dark. it was gloomy , no light could enter your shared bedroom. there was only one sleeping in the bed and you could still feel the slow rumble of his snore above you.

the only thing you could do was stare ahead with tears slipping past your lashes , falling freely on your cheeks as snot escaped your nostrils. it was abhorrent but you couldn't care less. there was nothing else that mattered if all you feel was the emptiness.

his voice was absent , his soft touches , the way he moves slightly in his sleep and the way he reached out to you. nobody ever reached out to you in their sleep the way kotaro did. there was no one else who could love you and caress you like he did. you have never been loved dearly like that.

the anger you felt was towards his absence.

he was not there to catch you if you fall anymore , no more small bickering over your favourite characters and no more sneaking for snacks at 2 a.m. this feeling was heavy and it seems that you were the only carrying this heavy burden of the love he left for you.

akaashi arrived at your house after a few days , knocking on your door to enter. you opened the door slightly , not wanting anything to enter your sacred home. from inside , you could see the gloomy shadow over his eyes. a pang of guilt hit you as you realised he wad hurting as well.

"why .. are you here?" you managed to speak up , surprised at the voice crack as it has been a long time since you talked to a living person.

finally , he looked up to you. tears had already welled up , cheeks flushed red and you weren't certain whether it was from the weather or his absence. his hair was ruffled and stick out on different angle , indicating that he gripped them so hard and tried to get his thoughts out.

"you can't be alone like this," he sniffled as he reached out to grasp your hand. you let him , acknowledging the fact that you both needed comfort. "i know , that's he's really gone but please don't shut people out."

after a long time of being alone , you fell onto the floor on your knees — bringing akaashi with you. you lunged forward to hug him with a wail. "i truly don't want to believe he's gone!" you could feel him nod at this.

"i know , sweetheart. i know," he hugged you even tighter. "but this , we cannot live like this."

it took a long time for you to regain composure and went back inside to sit down with two cups of hot chocolate. akaashi agreed that the silence was defeaning with tears in his eyes still. he leaned forward to take the remote of the tv , turning it on to switch on your favourite show together.

you sniffled while watching , not really focusing on the show anyways. "can we ... put on a new show? something that he would like but has never seen it?"

that was an indicator of how you want to take a step forward , onto a new chapter. this was progress and if it was small , it still mattered. there was no way you could stay angry at his absence , it was adaptation that you need. you both had to adapt to his absence , knowing that the world might not work the same as it was for you but the sky wouldn't come crumbling down , the birds wouldn't stop chirping , the wind wouldn't stop swaying the trees just because he was not here.

the world will still continue on even if you're on the third stage ; bargaining. with akaashi by your side , you were certain of the progress. you don't know what it would be like if he wasn't here and you know he felt the same.

the loss of someone could bring a family or loved oned closer than before. akaashi had slowly asked for brisk walks on the park near your house to slowly bring you and himself out of the sadness you were in.

sometimes , you rejected his offer. there were times where akaashi was glad you refused , because he could spend his time inside to cry and eat ice cream while doing his work. he couldn't stay at home for a long time which was why he went to work not long after crying his heart out.

the fourth stage hit even harder ; depression.

to you , there was no one who could light up the world or make the world less burdening the way bokuto did. he was like fireworks. he boomed loudly across the sky above you ,after that — he's gone. you had reciprocated his love and did the same. the both of you were so devoted for each other , supposedly not even the sky and the earth could separate you. and yet , here you were.

to akaashi , his love was loud. bokuto loved his friends dearly and loud. everybody would know who his friends were , there was not one who had been left by him. he'd always remember and would always be proud of them. he supported hinata from far , sending supportive messages and replied to his instagram stories.

that's why his loss had left a huge impact to all , it felt like an asteroid hit earth and left a huge crater — destroying everything.

for his other friends , kuroo still sent bokuto instagram reels and stupid tiktok videos. laughing before crying as he received no response from bokuto. hinata felt like there was no pillar holding him anymore , one of his biggest supporter was gone. tsukishima heard his voice each time he's in a game , every win was celebrated silently with a 'thank you' for bokuto. the fukurodani team could no longer meet up properly every 5 months because their captain was absent. atsumu couldn't set properly for a couple of months as well , he could feel the empty spot on the court. sakusa noticed the silent whenever they had practiced , never realised that his noise was crucial to his day. everybody had noticed the silent gap in their life , it was not just you who was hurting.

yet , the world keeps on moving.

the earth will not stop just because you were angry , it continues on and those who had healed were grateful for it.

quitting would be a form of betrayal to those who are not here , which was why you and everyone had to keep on going. you still have to finish all the goals that you started , living for them and for yourself. there would be no excuse to stop living , for sure you could feel those who are not here being angry with you for giving up.

after a huge loss , you deserve a break. collect all the pieces that have been broken and mend them.

onto another stage ; acceptance. it was a year after his loss was when you had accepted his loss. you still feel his warmth wherever you go but you don't take it negatively.

since love is an energy , it changes form. the form that you have right now is distant physically yet so close to the heart. your home , the places that he loved to go with you , left a huge path of remembrance towards his soul. you would never be able to forget no matter how long it has been ever since he left. you and others , would remember from the time you met with him — all the good memories were not at loss.

each time you turn towards the tree that you both loved , you could see a figure of him sitting by your side. it was a foggy memory of you and him , yet you remember. the life around you was the witnesses towards your love.

you were his home and he was yours. he was home to many , he was a small piece of everyone's hearts including yours and akaashi. his love would never run out even if he's not here , you could feel it every single time you look up into the sky and have a glimpse of what he's having.

he will always have a home to come back to. you will be here waiting always.

sorry guys :P . anyone who write/like haikyuu , uh moots?