James Howlett

• The Beets broke up • Honker Burger closed • Roger got rich • Connie got a more “normal” body type • Doug became Porkchop’s pet • Skeeter’s safeword changed from “honk honk” to “eebeedeebee” • The town was named Doug • “Patti Mayonnaise Memorial Swimming Pool” WTF! • Mayor White became part of Doug’s circle of friends • Sex moans in the theme song • Everyone could see Doug’s imagination sequences happen in reality • 9/11 predictions got a lot less subtle • Mr. Dink calmed down • Judy Funnie became a baby • Mr. Bone lived in Doug’s walls • Doug’s voice actor was replaced by Sir Michael Caine • Every episode was 4 hours long • Every character was nude with grotesquely long, muscular torsos • Roger always dropped a gun on the floor in every scene • Doug turned twelve  • Every episode ended with Doug’s parents dying

Untitled, 2021.

— Jordan Peterson

Heart and Soul Nebulae

— Wendy Cope, excerpt of “From June to December” (A Summer Villanelle)

— Mandy K., Constellation of Sadness

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