아니

     eunji stood, hands clasped, hair done. it was prettily fashioned into her iconic ponytail, but curled and bouncy. she knew with that and just a little touch of the stylists’ makeup, she looked good. that was really all that mattered! she was on tv to be popular, to entertain, not to actually do good cooking. she knew from the previous season that absolutely zero viewers were in it for the cooking, so, all she had were her looks and variety skills. for that day, though, she could already tell she would be using no such skills.      it was out of her head. the event itself was gone. the smoke, though, it lingered.      her face was as dolled as it could be. not a single hair was misplaced. underneath, though, at the base of the beauty was a defeated child. there would be no jokes. there would be no smiles. eunji figured, even in her pessimistic state, that looks would be what she had best to give.      she stood beside her partner, ahra, and listened patiently to all instructions. she did not give big reactions, she only took what was given to her and made note of it.      before the mc’s could finish giving them all the details, eunji was already planning ahead. she leaned over to her new friend partner.      “what kind of desert should we do? it should be something simple, right? we don’t want to mess it up.”

     eunji’s eyes followed the beads onto the table like a pound puppy’s eyes follow a treat. swollen. blinking hurt. opening them hurt. still, she did not flinch.      she reached for the remote. she knew how to control it after days and weeks of breaking into the old lady’s home. she flipped through whatever. she scrolled. she sighed. she needed something, anything, to make her. . . romantic. she needed romance.      she wanted to watch beauty and the beast, the little mermaid, anastasia- she wanted to watch anything magical and fairy-like. she settled on a boring drama about high school lovers. it was like all the other dramas, and eunji knew that, but she watched it anyway. she started the first episode, knees tucked to her chest, wishing dearly for the happy ending that she already knew was coming.      the beads.      she swallowed.      she could hear coach screaming in her head.      just because you’re tired doesn’t mean you get to be lazy! take a break, get water, and then get your little ass back here before i drag it back. do you know how hard it’s going to be? do you know how much you need to break? i’ll break all your ribs to show you real pain, little girl. and even when i do break your spine in, like a dog in the streets, i’ll get you back on that beam. pain doesn’t mean laziness, you little shit. get to work.      she took a deep breath and stared at the beads. she could hardly move her hands. they were stuck. she counted to three, to try and throw them up, but they stayed glued.      “no. get to work.” she whispered, picking up her first black bead.

     the brushes, the lipstick, the eyeshadow, they all looked so plain. she knew it was unreasonable to think that every palette before her just so happened to be grey and mutted. yet, eunji could see them no other way. grey. brown. mutted. dull. nothing like a class sori would teach. . . even the deep plums and wine reds, rather than deep, looked dead.      her head slowly lifted to the teacher. the unfamiliar tickle on her shoulder made her shiver. she pushed her hair back, trying to get it off of herself. she had little strength to put it in a ponytail. she wondered how sori went about with her hair down constantly.      she did not laugh at sori’s attempted jokes.      god, i can’t believe this girl- how embarrassing can you be?      she clung to the idea of chewing sori out for being so embarrassing. yet, she could not bring herself to think a further rude thought. she remembered the fire. again. no, she decided, she would never be like that.      she stared at sori, like a baby learning a stranger’s face. when she heard her name called, as if possessed, she stood up. she walked. she felt like she was being moved by puppeteer. the strings in her knees lifted her slender, yet heavy self towards her friend.      friend. . .? is it too risky to call sori a friend?      as if a queen taking to her throne, eunji boldly sat in the makeup chair. she stared out at all the faces. they looked at her. their eyes all looked so colorful.      concern? worry? disgust? excitement? envy?      it felt so good. every single expression made her chest tingle. she held her head high above them.      she shimmied her shoulders, getting comfortable in her throne, and kicked one leg up and over the other. she took a deep breath.      “what look will you be giving me today?” she had stolen her voice from a mermaid.

     eunji leaned in as he spoke. really, he could have been saying anything. she just wanted to look. her eyes feasted before her on those eyes, just turned in so but still wide and gorgeous. his perfectly shaped and even nose that even made her wonder if she needed a touch-up. more than anything, she was enamored by his gorgeously shaped lips. it was not often that such a handsome man was also gifted plump lips like his. and, oh, when he smiled. . .      even during her true focus of his visuals, though, she listened. she listened easily to him, so easily that she could be distracted, but she still knew what he was trying to say.      “hm. . .” her sweet voice lowered into a tempting whisper. she had something to say, yet, even for her, it was hard. “i think you’re wrong. you do mind being in the background, or else, why would you be so bothered by it?”      she put her elbows on the table in front of her. she held her head in her hands. something about him was a peaceful break from the whirlwind in her head. he was so needlessly dull. it brought her to earth. he was so handsome, yet, he made her think straight.      an idea.      “you know what!” she jumped up. she kept her hands delicately on the table. she gave him a sweet smile, yet held her head high. “i know what you need! you stay right here!”      she rushed away, ponytail bouncing to and fro behind her, and returned with her gym bag. this time, she chose to move the chair to sit beside him. she showed him the book in her hands.      a little princess.      “i know you’re not a girl, but,” she held the book with two hands, touching the cover tenderly, “this book taught me a lot! i think it will really help you with your performances- it’s all about this little girl who is, like, super, totally, mega rich, and then she, like, has it all taken from her! in a snap! and so, then, well. . .”      she took a deep breath. she had fallen far too deep into her excitement over her favorite book. she lifted one leg and crossed it over the other.      “i guess you’ll just have to read it, huh! trust me, it’s a really good one and a quick read!”

     zipped. shut. locked. eunji’s lips were as sealed tight as they could be.      eunji sat on the floor. she wore her hair down. her lazed bones had no strength to do her hair. for the first time, in years, her hair looked frizzled. it looked like it had not seen moisturizer in weeks. her new, red, hair was less than cared for.      “-something they can hold onto forever and cherish!”      sure.      eunji wanted to speak but she must have not wanted it that badly. like two heavy, chapped rocks, her lips stayed still and pressed together.      the girl could not even watch jiyeon move about as she stared off into space. she could have died. she could have died. but, here she was, alive. why did that alone not give her energy? jiyeon zipped to and fro, in eunji’s eyes, while eunji stayed still and silent. it felt horrible but at least it felt cold.      her brain could only register so much. all she knew that was happening was she was here, on a mission, to make something, and jiyeon was currently making it. other than that, her mind was to fogged to see any light, even when inches from her face.      not only was her vision to the world fogged but the inside of her head was clogged too. every wire, every spark, was rearranging. it happened so fast that, to eunji, it seemed nothing was happening at all. her thoughts moved so quickly that it looked as if they were still.      like put in slow motion, like a zombie able to speak, eunji’s rocked lips finally began to part. they were heavy. they dragged her. with them, they dragged her voice, and she could only speak very slowly.      “can.. we.. watch.. something?”

     eunji tilted her head. she was an older child, yet still looked so much like a baby. eunji wondered how big they were when they. . . come out. are they this big? she thought someone had told her this child’s age but now there was nothing. no numbers, no statistics. there were no imperfections on this child despite being inherently not beautiful.      no cheekbones, not really, and dull eyes, eyes like most girls. no abs, no muscles, no waist, no hips, no nothing. she even had a giant, gross head for her tiny, fat body. yet, despite everything, eunji was infatuated.      do i love you because i’ve never seen something so ugly? you should be so ugly, right? all babies are. . . all babies are a little gross.      eunji lifted the little girl’s hand to look under her arm. no skin drooped. it was amazing. she just. . . stayed like that. eunji even gave the girl a gently squeeze of the bicep. there was no stiffness like muscle, yet her skin acted as though she was fit.      “you’re so weird. . .” eunji whispered. she plucked another popcorn kernel and fed the girl the puff. she just stared at eunji. blank. eunji stared back. bestowed.      “what? did you pick a movie?” eunji tuned her head to yeseo. the other two girls were cuddling on the opposite side of the couch. eunji plucked two kernels by the time her new best friend had finished one puff.      “i don’t care what we watch. . . it just can’t be disney. i hate princesses.”      eunji handed her baby another puff. then another. she stared at the baby’s stomach. something in her told her to lift up the child’s shirt to see how fat she really was. eunji lifted her shirt.      with furrow brows she stared right at her fat little baby tummy. she looked like an obese whale. did they all get birthed like this? fat and gross? she dropped the shirt back down. with wide, curious eyes, the child followed eunji’s hand.      “how can you be so pretty?” eunji’s hand reached up to the baby’s chin. it was fat too.

     she was infatuated with everything about the little girl. she counted her eyelashes. she looked at her nails. they were so tiny! her feet had toenails too! it made eunji take a glance at her own toenails. hers were much bigger. over and over eunji looked at the baby, the rather big baby, and then looked at herself. she even gently examined the child’s teeth, lifting her upper lip. they were so tiny! they were so spread apart! eunji laughed at it. how had her own teeth ever been that small? had she ever been this small at all?      eunji could hear the pitter patter of feet on the padded floor. she turned her head to see a ball of hair bouncing onto the couch. delighted, eunji laughed! popcorn spilled on the floor, just a little, and eunji scrunched up her nose. yeseo would clean it later for sure.      “oh my god!” eunji laughed, “be careful! you’re gonna spill it everywhere- here, give me some.” eunji reached out a hand. the kid must have felt like a friend of the fairly older female. she took to giving eunji a sizeable, for her tiny hand, cluster of popped corns. eunji took it in her own palm happily.      yeseo’s criticism of their movie choice made eunji’s nose crinkle.      “i don’t care what we watch,” she was moving so she was more slouched. she sat the one year old up more and kicked her legs out. she put her feet on the edge of the couch, knees bent high. it was a comfortable back rest.      “can you even eat this stuff? can she even eat this stuff?” eunji furrowed her brows at the small child. for twenty months, she spoke very little, but eunji did not care. she saw to it, on pure instinct, because her iq numbers would never be of good service, that the little kid was to eat only the most puffed parts of their puffed popcorn.      she snapped the crusty parts off and ate them. then, she held the puffed part to the little girl. she would open her mouth and only eat the safe stuff.      eunji looked to the tv. “i think horror is okay,” she remakred. she did not mind that her mouth could never fill on popcorn alone, “if it’s too scary just turn it off, right?”      pick. pluck. puff. pick. pluck. puff.

     eunji stayed infatuated. his eyelashes, his facial peach fuzz. even the scent coming from the top of his head, some baby powder she assumed, had fully captured her. she smiled at him, just a tiny smile, a non-detectable one. he stared back. he was confused, bewildered, maybe, and just as infatuated. her smile grew.      “what are you thinking, little one?” her voice was light, “have you ever seen someone so pretty before?”      she gave his nose a little tap and giggled. he only smiled back, a quick flash of the cheeks, then whipped around. yeseo was on about something. why did she always ruin the mood?      when yeseo held the box out to her, eunji took a deep breath. she kicked her leg out to the side and held her hand on her hip. she tilted her head, bitchy in every way, and the judgmental baby on her hip was no help.      “ugh,” she rolled her eyes. why was it always the older sisters ruining the fun? she just wanted to play with the baby! “why doesn’t it just come in a bag?” she moped.      her head snapped to the cameras around them. she stared, gave them a look of confusion, and dropped her hand. she swallowed and wiggled her feet together.      “well,” she took a deep breath. her voice was once more light and sweet. “i guess we can go pick out the movie, right?” she looked down at the eldest boy, who had been shockingly quiet, and held out a hand to him. “do you care what we watch?” her question was half hearted. she was going to watch whatever she wanted anyway.      “what do you think about horror, boys?” she belted into the living room. the boy beside her jumped.      “yes! let’s watch IT!”      eunji laughed as her new friends followed her to the couch. she sat down, criss cross, on her legs, and put the baby in her lap.     “oh!” her mouth opened and her eyes widened, “go tell yeseo thanks for making popcorn,” she reached out and patted his head. excitedly, he ran back to the kitchen with a loud mouth at the ready.

     eunji’s tall, newly red ponytail bounced through the cafeteria. like a bunny’s tail, her hair made her easy to spot from anywhere. she adored this new look, even if temporary, she knew a just a major change would make her look a hundred years younger.      to and fro, she strutted from table to table. at one, she started drama about some guy named hunji. at another, she whispered to her friends about the boy she likes. hurt, help, hurt, help. she had no time to eat seeing as this was one of the few times anyone got to socialize.      when she was done, and she worked up an appetite finally, she went and got food. she was on a strict diet for her weight loss and muscle gain, so, she only had meat and a side of radishes for her lunch. on her way to sit, well, wherever she so pleased, she heard someone talking about her.      like coming home, she heard whispers, but like finding your room painted new, it was something positive!      she stopped in her bounce. she turned around, her red hair flying out, shocked and delighted all at once.      a treat? just for me?      the cinnamon and apple perfume was strong. her smile grew when she saw how handsome he was. a cute boy like that thinking about her? it had to be heaven, just where she belonged!      with big strides and a bigger pride, she sat across from him happily.      “i heard you talking about me?” she laughed, “did you say i was confident?” she sat back and put her hand on her chest, “that is literally so sweet of you.” she pouted, but her lips curled up, at what she heard. she would not take disapproval for an answer either.      she set her elbow on his table and leaned in. she gazed at him, smiling, and her lips parted. they were tinted red.      “but,” she sighed, dreamily, and looked him up and down, “a handsome boy like you? why do even need to be confident? you have everything you need,” she stood up to lean forward. she giggled and booped his nose, “right here!”      she knew the true answer. she was looking for a reaction. was he as smart as a bag of hammers or did he really give a damn about feeling better?

     “i don’t know what it is!” she cried, throwing her hands up, “but it has a picture of popcorn on the box! but, inside, there’s just these flat, wet bags.”      eunji sighed and put her hands on her hips. she looked at yeseo, partly confused and partly upset. she felt that this whole popcorn thing was far too complicated. why did they not just have bagged popcorn like every normal person? were they so poor as to need to grow their own popcorn with brown, paper bag seeds?      her eyes snapped to the child. how old was it? no more than two, eunji figured. it looked into her eyes and she looked back. her hands squeezed on her hips. she had the sudden feeling. . .      why is it actually kinda cute? i hate kids!      cooking was no talent of eunji’s. she was much better off socializing, and, picking movies for everyone else. she suddenly reached her arms out. she had no clue how to hold a baby but went for it anyhow. two hands, under the arms, and up out of yeseo’s.      her voice softened like it never had before. around yeseo, someone she was always nagging and being nagged by, her voice was high and nasally. now, with a baby in her hands, she spoke like a new, young mother.      “i can take it.” she did not let yeseo have more than a moment to think before the baby was in her arms. it stared at eunji. it looked at her arms. it looked bewildered. had such a young child never seen a girl with muscular arms before?      eunji followed what yeseo did and set the baby on her hip without thought.      “i’m not good at cooking anyway.” she was speaking to yeseo, but, was looking at the baby. it was so strange looking. why did it’s eyes seem so big? why were it’s ears so small? what happened to all it’s hair? she hoped she was never this bald as a baby. did her parents photoshop hair onto her when she was born?