downstate

Last summer started early in Australia. In November a heatwave struck northern Queensland, pushing temperatures to record heights in many places. In Cairns the temperature reached 42.6 degrees, more than five degrees higher than the previous record for November. Over 12 days fire crews attended more than 1200 fires, including devastating blazes in rainforest areas that had always been regarded as natural firebreaks. In parts of Queensland, fire conditions were designated catastrophic, the first time the rating—which was only created in 2009—had been used in the state.

https://www.thecut.com/2019/09/the-story-of-caroline-calloway-and-her-ghostwriter-natalie.html

beach holiday snap or...my sister; absolutely fuming with me. about four hours before this she was cursed “in this life and the next” by a fifth generation Balinese high priestess for disagreeing with her method (she pretty much waterboarded us - very triggering for people who have lost three family members to accidental asphyxiation) she told us we’d never forget this day.  we were made to leave, and spent the next few hours walking in harsh sun and dense humidity, toward what google maps told us was the beach. we ended up getting completely lost in a limestone quarry and the few times we came across people they wouldn’t help us. i ended up staying about ten metres ahead of my sister and left my best friend to walk with her because i couldn’t deal with her screaming at me for not defending her to the priestess anymore. 

sun stroked and furious we finally decided to turn around and retrace our steps to get back to a main road, then we paid someone far too much to drive us about ten minutes distance, then got blind drunk at this ridiculous bob marley themed beach bar. 

“Pervasively creeping through our family dynamics, her trauma is this living thing—vine that twists her spine at night—catapults from her mouth without warning.

—Mom, that’s hurtful! I gulp back tears. —Hurtful?! You don’t know hurt like me.

Over the years she shares it, looking as if torn between falling at my feet or killing someone. Some of her memories:

—One time he dragged me across the street by my hair. Then he stripped me, touched me, and beat me. I had nowhere to turn. They were all in cahoots—the police, the priests, the drug dealers.

—My mother used to throw us out windows—tell us to run. Sometimes she saved us. Sometimes she saved herself.

—I used to think I could fly. I used to fantasize he was my prince and adored me. It made abuse easier to handle. I stood on the ottoman and flapped my arms very fast. I really could fly. I truly flew around the whole living room.”

Veronica – State Mortuary

This woman sits at the front desk, greeting people in a rational but stern way, a true professional. She can’t be emotional in this job. She wheels the bodies out of the refrigerated unit. She wraps them with blankets and places their belongings around them. She shows people to their lifeless loved ones. She leaves them alone. She hears them screaming. She answers their questions.

In the future, Veronica wants to retire. She’s nearing 60. She’s been surrounded by other’s reactions to loss for decades. She’ sick of people thinking she’s unemotional, but it’s how she protects herself. She wants to travel around Australia and see all of the waterfalls and water holes. She thinks about buying a motorhome but doesn’t want to play into the grey nomad trope.

What is at stake for Veronica? Her sense of knowing herself. She’s a person who can love, and feel. She’s been with her partner for thirty odd years, but even she makes fun of her cold demeanour. She loves her dogs. But she must put up the front. It takes it’s toll and she’d like to relax eventually.

She does care about the wellbeing of the families who come in, though they don’t realise it. She sees the entire spectrum of responses to loss and death and some people stay in her thoughts for a long while.

At the same time, Veronica is proud of her brave faced demeanour. It’s a mechanism that protects her from letting her job get to her too much. Be poker faced and professional and stay strong for people who’s worlds have just been obliterated.

Her exterior reflects her interior when she needs it to, but it’s usually a front. Though she does think it’s hardened her having to be solemn all of the time. Make a face and the wind changes and all…all of this death and stress manifests into deep furrow lines. She craves to be warmer and softer with her partner and friends.

i’ve come into this course both midyear/late and my anxiety is through the roof. why do i do this to myself?

we do a five minute writing exercise to ground us, i like it. 

Describe 5 things you can hear right now

My heart beating at a fast pace – adrenaline from my first day back or simply because I’m 2.5 coffees deep?

Sniffles – it’s late July

Buzzing lights

Hum of aircon

pen on paper - how refreshing

Four things you can see

Fluorescent lights – didn’t miss that glare

Shaky hands – again adrenaline

New people – who will become a buddy?

the tip of my own nose - weird

Three things you can touch

Laptop keyboard – smooth and familiar

Cold fingers thanks Reynards syndrome and poor circulation

Pants – lint balls already?

Two things you can smell

My ridiculous green apple vape softly on my clothes

New classroom smell – clinical?

One thing you can taste