Ultralord

I lost my mom last year and I don’t think any pain can compare to that experience for me. I miss my best friend. I miss her smell. I miss her hugs and her laugh. Her cooking. I think about her in a good way all the time. Some days the image I had to see of her on that day pops in and I know therapy might make it better but nothing will bleach that image out of my head. I feel like it rips through my mind like a tornado and fucks everything up in that moment. It is something no one should ever see. Only me and my aunt had to see it. Some paramedics who had to deal with all of it in the living room of my tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Some cops. I hate how life turned out. I hate that 2019 took two of the people I loved most in this world away from me. The list is not very long but two people in one year. fuck. It has been a slow hard recovery and no one really sees it but me. My love is so supportive and he is my whole life now. My future. I don’t want to put the pressure on him but he really is my path into happiness again. I hope my best friend is with me forever. Even if she is far away. And I know my mom is just in Disneyland forever now. That’s how I see it, anyway. I love you mom. I miss you.

I had an old friend...an old lover commit suicide recently...well not recently it was a whole year ago but here I am with it on my mind right now. It was an awful thing. We weren’t close anymore, he had married someone else and had a baby. She is beautiful and looks like him, I heard. I had always pictured a future with him but I could never make him happy enough. Which is okay, honestly. It all turned out okay and no one hated anyone. Then I heard the news and life went on with a little more sadness about the past. I feel for his family, his wife, and his baby. I felt sad for losing the person I knew. But I don’t really think he was that person anymore. I am sad. But there is some emotional barrier that I cannot cross or it will send me over the edge. Now I know that it wasn’t me who couldn’t force him into being happy. I feel sad for him. I wish I could have given him the world. Or someone could have at least. I found a message from him today. He sent it to me only a couple months before it happened. He said “Hey hope you’re doing well”. I was recovering and learning to love again so I was doing well, thanks. I hope he was doing well too. I hope he was not in a dark place. I hope he loved his life. I hope he lived until he felt like he couldn’t anymore. I hope he was not in pain. I know he must have been. Or maybe some odd circumstance took him, and that fact I will never know. I am sad that it happened. I hope his family is healing. This message feels like something from some spiritual form of him even though he was probably just trying to see how I was doing before everything fell apart. It feels like he sent it just yesterday. I can’t look into it any further than that. Maybe he sees me now and is telling me to stop crying and go to bed. Maybe not. I have said my peace even though I will probably say more some time in the future. I hope you’re doing well.