I.

It has been years now since I fell in love with B. I have done so over and over, more and more deeply again and again. Something I had only read about until the goodness that I found in him. I so badly want him forever- a beginning without an end because I cannot imagine the after. I cannot foreshadow the heartache or the depth of remembering- a fearfulness that I cannot describe to you. In a way, it is a death that we know is coming: it will be rendered untimely, still heavy with love. Today, I will bargain with God for more time. I will warm my hands underneath him; fall asleep to his heavy noise. I want to remember everything in a way that I have never remembered before: eternally, concisely, almost desperately….

II.

Ann Druyan writes, “Every single moment that we were alive and we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous and so kind… That we could find each other, as he wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space; the immensity of time…That is something which sustains me; The way he treated me and the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other and our family…I don’t think I will ever see him again (in the afterlife). But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.”

III.