I Love You Twenty Times...

And more than a year has past since I last used my Tumblr account to blog. Reading old posts make me realize how far we have come and how much we have grown. Heart break is replaced by happy memories. Sadness by silliness. Loss replaced by love. The last week of summer is here. I have a child rapidly approaching double digits and her last year in elementary school and another child following fiercely in her big sister's footsteps trying to grow up as quickly as time and momma will allow. I rock on my old metal glider in the back yard and watch two happy girls jump up and down, try to flip and attempt hand stands as the sun sets. The dog clumsily pees on his own leg and the girls laugh and scream. And I look up and realize....this moment will never happen again. The grass will never be this green under the trampoline with no houses to block our view. The sky will never be this blue again with the sun casting a glow on my two sweet loves as a jet shoots across the sky while the girls scream as the crazy dog barks. I hope I always have these kind of moments I look back on...they may be simple. But they are mine. I hope I always remember this moment with two girls in the yard on a hot summer day that doesn't stand out as spectacular to anyone but me. Always appreciate where you are and where you've been. Your journey is yours alone and that is all. See you in another moment in time....❤️

Forgive me if this gets a bit long…about to enter into a bit of an adventure tomorrow. First vacation since I’ve been divorced. The kids have begged to return to the beach the past two summers and it wasn’t logical financially or emotionally for me. I just wasn’t prepared to be that mom who felt strong enough to pack a 3&6 year old…then 4&7 year up and vacation alone. Sure…I know girl power and all that…excuse me…bullshit. Yet, I still think we had fun those summers. We went to my brother’s pool a lot and hung out together figuring out what life meant for us. I admit I got insanely jealous when people posted their family vacations. How carefree they all seemed. When all I could think about was how having two littles that couldn’t swim didn’t sound like much of a vacation for me no matter how hard they begged to go to the beach. So both girls can swim…pool swim…not ocean swim and I knew I would get 3 checks in July so the timing was perfect. So was having a friend to go with. When that fell through due to circumstances she couldn’t control…I felt lost. I wanted to tell the girls…maybe next year. But why put off doing something that would empower me? Sure I’m scared as hell about driving 7-8 hours alone with two girls. No man to protect us if I happen to pull off in a shady area of town. I’m scared I might have to drive over a bridge over water. Don’t ask…I have a lot of irrational fears. Don’t get me started on getting lost. But it’s happening tomorrow. Bags are mostly packed. Truck is full of gas. And my step mom is waiting on me and two anxious girls to arrive at her house late tomorrow afternoon in Florida. Because I’ve realized this past two years I’ve made it through a painful divorce. I’ve almost lost my home and had to file bankruptcy. I’ve lived alone with two girls and only an alarm system and a barking dog to protect us. And if I can survive that…some little old road trip shouldn’t scare me. I don’t use my blog anymore but this felt fitting since I needed to vent and all my friends are probably asleep. And with that I’m going to lay down because me and my girls have a big learning experience in front of us tomorrow. Think of us in our travels. Pictures to follow. :)

So it’s been a while since I posted. Christmas alone #2 has come and gone. It wasn’t as hard as last year. That is for sure. I thought back on what last year was like. I was so sad. It was overwhelming to say the least. I remember my Elves that thought of me last year. My work buddies all got together and gave me gifts to open when the girls were gone with their daddy on Christmas Day. Can I tell you how I cried that others thought enough to reach out to me to make me feel special? I cried a buttload. I know buttload isn’t a proper term but it just fits. I laughed when I found little bottles of alcohol from Jill. And cried when I found a letter from Susan reassuring me I’d be ok. And you know what? I am ok. I am stronger than I believe myself to be. People moved on this year. And I’m ok with it. It caught me by surprise honestly that someone who swore they loved you could move on. It only hurt for a moment like a stab to the heart. Maybe it twisted in the heart but it died. A moment that caught me off guard. But what are we…if these moments in life don’t rock you to the core? I guess you don’t really love and feel if they don’t hurt just a bit? My heart sunk Christmas Day knowing this didn’t hurt a bit for him. First day ever in 8 years not seeing his children open Santa Claus gifts. And as I wanted to hate him for all he did and how he chose not to be with us…my heart softened and I thought about how shitty he must have felt. But people choose how to spend their lives and I put on a happy face. I think this may be my year…2015. I said that about 2014 but it still ended up….well…stressful. My girls are clingy as hell…I try to be patient. I know they think I’m going to leave them. Unfortunately for them…I’m gonna stick like glue. So pray for patience for me. My work is my relief and they hardly let me go without tears for that. But…god I wouldn’t change it for the world. They are my everything. My only desire is to raise them right. I wanted to post since it’s been a while. My heart is full for the two girls that won’t let me even leave for a moment to go to the store. Means more to me than the world. And I’ll probably spend New Year’s Eve with an 8 and 5 year old in my bed. But you know what? That’s about the best thing I could hope for. So here’s to the New Year…hoping you treat me better than the last few.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve sat down and posted. I always said when things are going well, I post less. That hasn’t exactly been the case. It’s been a hard few months. I have been told for years that I was an unhappy person. I think that’s an untruth. I think when things go upside down in a person’s life…it does throw them for a loop. But I realized that one person’s opinion of me shouldn’t affect how I see myself. I’ve always struggled with self esteem. And I don’t feel this was caused by my failed marriage…it reared it’s ugly head when I was in elementary school. I was a head taller than most then I just got stuck there while everyone grew ahead. I had bad perms. I got dorky glasses in 3rd grade. I had braces twice…and my teeth are still crooked. Why? I was shy…nail biting shy. Literally. I loved to read. And I was just me. Kinda dorky from 3rd grade on. But you know what? I embrace that shit now. I like my Tom Cruise teeth…you know…a tad off center. I’m shy meeting new people but I can talk to my patients like we are old friends. I can take a selfie like nobody’s business. But seriously… But back to the past couple of months. I had that old pang of my past life. It made me sad. So, I thought I should make sure I was doing the right thing. That may sound odd after the past few years but it was eye opening to say the least. I felt I wasn’t whole because I wasn’t a “family”. You know…mom, dad, and 2.2 kids. But my family is me and my girls. And we are whole…the 3 of us. And once I got that…the peace settled in. And maybe I needed this to pass by to let me realize that. I totally believe family is what you make it. I have my family as a child…my mom, sister, brother. But I’ve grown a new “family” of friends who have been there to support me when I thought it couldn’t ever get better. Those I’ve known from 3rd grade to those I’ve grown close to as my work family. I can’t really express in words how these 3 women have touched my heart so much. You know who you are. I know without a shadow of a doubt they would give me the shirt off their backs. And that my friends is family. The ones who told you that you sing through your nose as a little girl to shut you up. Thanks big sissy! I know you love me! Because who else would come spend hours helping me fold clothes when I let life/laundry overwhelm me for weeks. To the big baby brothers who would kick ass for you in a heartbeat. Thanks little brother. Even now I know you would! To the mom who is almost 70 with Parkingson’s who helps you be able to work by keeping their grandchildren and taking them to school 2-3 times a week. To friends who call you every night just to talk. And you look forward to that call because she may be the only adult you speak to that day. And she gets you. To friends who treat my children as their own and buy them gifts when she knows I can’t. To the friends that share struggles so close to your own that it’s heartbreaking yet comforting that they know exactly what you feel. I’m thankful for them all. I’m happy that I finally get it. I know I made the right choice for the right reasons. I am happy with myself. My life…however hectic and unplanned…it is mine and it is perfect. And I won’t let anyone tell me how I feel any more. Because life is too short to let others dictate how you feel about yourself. And 3 people may read this but you know what. I needed to get it out. And I feel just fine…I might even turn a cartwheel….but I could break an arm and have to visit the ER…and I don’t have a co-pay in my budget. So Happy Thanksgiving. Because I know I’m super excited about my day tomorrow. Gobble gobble.

Last night was seriously rough. Folks that know me…know I’m a germaphobe. Yes, a nurse who freaks at germs. I take my work shoes off in the garage because dear god, I walk in blood, poop, pee, MRSA, and who knows what else? I used to insist on stripping off my work clothes when my oldest was a baby and showering before I even nursed her after work. Well…I’ve gotten lazy in my old age. I still take my shoes off but I don’t take my scrubs right off. My oldest had a breakdown…one of those weeping till I fear she’s gonna puke kind of breakdowns last night. I was ready to take out the dog. Had my coat on over my scrubs. Ready to call my friend Shelley and rehash the days events. But I laid down on top of her covers with my feet off the bed. Because I’m a shorty and I knew there was no telling what I’d walked on. I was gonna hold her until she fell asleep. Oops. I fell asleep too. In the most uncomfortable position. Because…that’s what Momma’s do. I woke up at 2 am. I snuck out of her room to find I had left the door to the kitty bathroom open and the dog had been helping himself to kitty poop treats all night. So…2 am and I’m sweeping litter up outta the hallway. And still need to shower… The shower that totally woke and invigorated me after my 5 hour nap curled up like a pretzel. Needless to say…Fall break was extended a day while I rushed one kid off to the doctor. Little sister obviously wants to mimic her older sister by possibly having asthma. But, things could be so much worse. I’m thankful I know how to deal with that after Ava. Another beeping smoke detector in Audrey’s high ceiling. Which means I can’t reach it…which means both girls in my bed tonight with the door closed so we can hopefully ignore it until I can get a ladder. Lucky them. :) I’ve been sleeping without ambien for a while now. I hope I can turn off my ever turning gears in my brain to get some rest before work. Maybe the rain will lull me to sleep. #singlemom #cantsleep #germaphobe #asthma #iloverainbutnotthunderstorms

#singlemom #smokedetectors #moms #igotthis #target #singlelife

. There are sometimes just those days when you finally feel ok with yourself. But it blows sometimes. I'm thankful for my family. Because I got family…good ones. I like em’. Start off…promising day. Didn’t go to dentist…whoops. But my gums are thanking me for the moment. I guess a little cleaning bug flew up my butt. Not really but I’m the world's worst and somehow today I cleaned restaurant style. You know chairs on the table. The cat didn’t suffer a seizure walking by the litter box from the fumes. So...magical sparkly house. The 3 leaning towers of clothing on the dryer we have been rummaging through for weeks to find enough clean undies for 3 girls is at least one tower smaller now. It was magical to do laundry…I was like....Oh Oh, uh, yay if I found a shirt I'd forgotten I owed or thought the mountain of clothes had eaten. My nap got postponed a bit. But I walked around happy cleaning because it’s my home. It won’t be sold, it is mine!! That is still such a good feeling! And homework. It took two hours and a sobbing 8 year and an almost weeping 36 year old mom to get it all done. By then I was exhausted. And now said sweetums are dreaming away while I figure out my wake up plan. And I am going to wake up again to do it tomorrow. Hopefully without crying part. But no homework on Friday so that will help. But this big pillow is looking real good to snuggle up to right now. #singlemoms #kharma #nocrying #whycantthesekidshelpclean #keepingmyhome

So I was challenged by my dear friend Jill on FB to do the thankful challenge. And since she likened it to a writing exercise...I'll respond on my blog since I haven't posted in a while. 1. My girls. I can't even put it into words that could fully explain what I feel for them. I miss them with a ache deep down into my bones when I'm not with them. At work...they creep into my thoughts constantly. When I'm with them...they may completely know how to drive me totally insane. They push my buttons. They can drive me to the edge of craziness but then one will come hug my leg or say I love you momma and I forget all the frustrations. They are all I have and all I want. They make me want to be a better parent because they deserve it...even on the days I question if I'm giving them all they need and deserve. 2. My home. It was touch and go there for a while. Most know I was going to lose it. I was ok with it because I thought it was my only option. And then I was heartbroken. And I was angry. And I had to find a way to keep us from losing something else. So I filed bankruptcy. Am I proud? Gosh, no. For an anal compulsive who always paid her bills, even if that meant I had to make $50 last a week and a half...it was hard. And completely embarrassing. I have never been more mortified than seeing my name listed in the newspaper under bankruptcies. Because it meant I failed at something. I haven't failed anything since high school Geometry. And even then the teacher let me coast by by making her ceramic figures in my Ceramics class to scoot by with a D. Thank you Mrs. Rickman. :) But I own it. Because we have a home...our home. And I needed a victory, even if it meant I lose $290 a month from my paychecks the next 5 years. 3. My fur babies. Lucky took over my only other bathroom. The smell reeks under the bathroom door like death and litter is like confetti if you dare ignore the handwritten condemned sign I posted on the door. But he's a fighter...that tiny thrown away kitten. He purrs like a motor boat if you touch him. He greedily eats up his food and steals the dog's too. But he's super photogenic. And gives the dog massages so it's ok. Jasper. I think he totally protected me from something bad last night. A car came by my house. I held his collar and he barked like he would eat their faces off. They drove down the road and then started backing all the way back down to my house. I quickly forgot my bravery and pulled Jasper in and locked my doors. I grabbed the alarm key fob and had my finger on the alarm. They even pulled into the driveway. They left. Assholes. Crisis averted but Jasper was ready to kick butt. Thankful I was just shook up instead of anything else. 4. My friends. I can not be more thankful for them. Shelley, Jill, and Stacy. They have been my rocks. Shelley calls me every day. Jill texts me throughout the day. And Stacy tells me like it is even though I may not want to hear it. 5. My family. My sister eats dinner with just because I ask. My thrift store buddy. My brother will kick your butt if I honestly asked him to. ;) And my momma makes me having a job/home possible. She takes my kids to school and picks them up. And feeds them and bathes them to make it easier on me if I work a 12 hour shift and they have school the next day. So I don't know how I'd get by without her. 6. And I'm thankful that I'm ok with myself. I'm not sad. I'm ok with myself. I do what I want. I do what makes me happy. I'm not worried about what people think. I kinda like myself. I am learning that disappointment is a part of life but how you handle those situations is whether or not you can be happy. And life is full of things to be thankful for whether it's friends, having a job you like or even the little things like having a weekend off with your kids and sleeping in and waking up and sipping coffee while they fight/play. So I hope this counts because this is my thankful repost. :)

I realize as I become more comfortable in my life…I post less. That is a great thing but also kinda sad because I love pouring my heart out. Good for the beaten down soul I suppose. Tomorrow starts a new chapter…my baby starts Pre-K. How I wish I could put into words the emotions churning through me. Sad above all. I don’t think I want anymore kids…good thing since I’m reaching the age that my uterus might revolt if I used it again. But oh…to have my baby leave me. Thank god I work where I can cuddle babies and return their crying selves to their own Momma’s! It feels like just yesterday she was born. There are some warm and fuzzies here but I love my sleep and children who can wipe their own butts. And I know I’m awful for saying this but god bless her…that red hair and wrinkled forehead like her daddy…my first thought was…”oh…bless her”. Haha. She will kill me for that one day because now I am in awe of her beauty…she just had to grow into it. :) So I’m sad, proud, stressed, yet relieved…but scared of the loneliness I will feel of not having my sidekick. It’s been over a year since he moved out and it’s really been just us. We have had time to bond just like me and Ava. And I hope I wait until the parking lot to break down. Ava has been wanting to go back to school all summer and now that time is here…she is glued to me. And by the way…I hate those dang “get to know me” projects. Ava is all a wreck because she doesn’t know what 5 things to put in her bag. A picture of her kitty…but then she was stuck. She didn’t want to take her Minecraft figure or bug in a glass slide because the other kids might make fun of her. I told her girls who like bugs and rocks and Minecraft are super awesome and who really cares what other people think but she wasn’t convinced. It truly breaks my heart at 7 years old she is so unsure of herself. She is a super sweet sensitive soul like her momma. So bear with me tomorrow as my Facebook posts show them on their first day back and I post about how I miss them. They are all I’ve known this past year and to be alone is definitely frightening for me. Will I cry? Will I sleep the day away until my little loves return or will I get off my butt and do laundry? That remains to be seen but I know I won’t ever be the same. No more sweet snuggles while sissy is at school….I will have to find things to do and actually like myself when all I have is me from 8:30 to 3 pm. So thankful I chose to come off weekend option though because I have every other weekend with those sweet girls. More work days for less pay doesn’t matter much when I can tell Ava and Audrey that I am off every other weekend…whether we make super adventures or sleep in…doesn’t matter to me.

I realized it had been a long time since I had posted anything. Last time everything was still up in the air. Searching for houses...having no luck. Well...I did something nobody wants to do. A few days before my house was due to be sold on the courthouse steps...I filed Chapter 13. It stopped the foreclosure. I have a long 5 years ahead of me before I dig myself out of this hole I've been thrust in. Chapter 13 means you work to pay back what you owe. It doesn't give you a clean slate. But it keeps us in our home. I can paint the girls rooms rainbow colors if we choose because it's still ours. :) The girls were super excited of course. When Audrey got home that night...she hugged her door. Not joking. So my ex husband sends me a picture of a kitten saying he got Ava an early birthday present. I was like...um...hope it has fun living with you. But the stinking cute thing won me over with every picture he sent and now Ava finally has her cat. He was only 3-4 weeks old when some asshole put him in a box on the highway. So we have become a family of 5 again...3 humans, a dog, a rescued kitten. But above all...I'm thankful. I have prioritized what is important. I thought once I needed someone...craved it. But I realized that others fail you. What makes us happy is the family you have and their happiness. Ava's joy at finally having a kitten. Audrey's joy at finally pretending to like the dog better just to piss off her sister. These are the fun little moments I can't ever get back and I'll savor them thoroughly.

So somehow the girls and I got on the topic of where babies come from. Not how they come to being...thank goodness. But how they...uh...come out. I think they started out saying I needed a new husband...I started gagging and rolling my eyes. Playfully of course. And then they asked if I ever wished one of them was a boy. When did 7 and 4 year old have such deep thinking. I assured them I was glad they were both girls. Then Audrey asked if a baby comes out your belly button. I guess I could have played along but the OB/women's nurse in me just couldn't lie. Having a medical personnel as your mother is always a learning experience. My girls know body parts as their correct terms even though they often describe them as children do. More often than not...my 4 year won't say she had to pee but say..."Ow, my bladder is full". So back to my story, I politely described the two ways a baby could be born. Both girls eyes got big. After a moment, the oldest said, "Mom?" Me: "Yes, baby?" Ava:" If I adopt my children, will you love them just the same?" "Yes baby, I would". At that point...Audrey chimes in, "I'm definitely adopting". Audrey asked, "When you get married and kiss a boy...does that put a baby in your belly?" At that point the nurse in me left the building and the momma came out..."yes...so don't ever kiss boys or you'll have to clean up dirty, yucky diapers". We went swimming today. Audrey talked about missing having her daddy swim with her. It broke my heart. She was 2 the last time that happened. I'm glad she has an awesome memory. I hope she can hold on to those as she grows. I was so happy to have them home last night to tuck them into their own beds. I'm thankful when their dad gets to spend some time with them. And it is just easier for them and my mom to have them spend the weekends at my mom's while I work so all involved don't have to be up at 6 am three days in a row but how I miss them during those times. How lonely this house is. When they come back...I come to life again...not just existing waiting for the days to pass until they come back. No luck on the house hunting. I suppose I should pack up some stuff but that would make it too real. I hate the uncertainty of it all. This is the last obstacle I have to overcome of the past year. The final act of leaving my home. I tell myself...it's a blessing. We need a fresh start but to leave the only home my baby can remember with all it's memories...Christmases, grilling out in the back yard. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking though I try not to let it show. I am determined to be strong for them. Even if I want to lay down and cry in a heap on the floor. I've already wasted too many tears the past few months over useless things and I'm not going to give any more away. Not for free. Not anymore.

I had to wait before posting because I said this blog wasn't about bad mouthing and I was really wanting to. It's about our journey. The truth about being a family of three. So I'll only say that being a family takes work...responsibility...and commitment. It really isn't that difficult honestly. Respect is a big issue with me. Respect your vows. Respect that other people took them and don't be a giant whore if you know someone else took vows....no matter if they are willing to break them. So that's all I have to say about that without being a major basher. ;) Things that suck about being a single parent: groceries-I have to carry them all inside by myself. That blows. I'd rather break my wrists carting in 20 bags at once than make 10 trips while my children run around like wild monkeys in the house. Another thing that stinks is not having someone to discuss things with. My final day is my final say...no go ask your daddy. So this may be a pro and a con. And little things you want to celebrate, like losing a tooth. I normally text my mom or sister or brother or just make a random post to FB that nobody cares about. My kids don't say "their home"...it's either moms house or daddy's house. That stinks in the most awful way. I want them to feel like both are their homes...not like some wandering gypsy souls. They are young...they need roots. Packing: omg I will have to pack this whole home up and move it. Like by myself. I am always waiting till the last minute and other times we've moved...I've had help. Things that don't suck: I have my kids 95% of the time. I'm selfish...I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't want to miss out on anything. Whether it's something fun like the tooth fairy coming to visit or something as simple as sweet kisses at bedtime an tucking them into their beds. So another pro: I make all the decisions. What momma says goes. Packing: last time we moved, I packed up my closet last thing. I put all my shoes in a garbage bag...bad choice I know. When we got to the new house. I asked, "where is the bag with my shoes?". Like every shoe but the flip flops on my feet. A look of pure terror passed through his eyes...he threw the bag in the dumpster at our apartment building. He went back to get it and someone had already took it. I cried. I'm not a girly girl but I had only a pair of flip flops on. Probably 20 pairs. I only cried because I didn't want to spend money we didn't have to replace what I lost. So rest assured dear feet, I am in charge and I will make sure your shoe friends all come along for the ride this time! So wish us good luck, we are going to look at a rental home tomorrow and I hope it speaks to me. I hope that I look past the fact we are downgrading and can find a place that we can start anew in. And please don't be haunted...because I'm a scaredy cat. MEOW!

Today was the oddest day in a while. First off the weather...the way the wind blew. The sky. The way I happened to be at my mom's house. I've been here before. How can something that changes always be so like a time in my life I didn't care to revisit. And then I run into Eric's former captain...who I haven't seen in over a year. A hug and apologies were received. And tears filled my eyes. He took the clue and after another quick hug, made sure I still had his number and exited. I'm not sad over this...not in the way you may think but still I find myself so drained. He told me good things were coming my way...I smiled and said hopefully so. Hope is overrated said one friend...I agree. I hope for nothing. I get up and do the things that must be done. I had a conversion with my 4 year old today. We cut our fingernails outside. #1 because the weather is nice. #2 so I don't have to sweep up tiny finger nails. She told me I needed a new husband but then asked why do daddies sometime not live with their families? How gut renching is that? I tried to explain that sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together but they both still love their babies very much. How I had this deep conversation with this child of mine without weeping is beyond me. I think from time to time...which child will be more damaged? The one who has memories of a home with both parents or the one who won't? Both will grow up differently being 6 and 3 years old at the time. I grew up in a divorced home but I remember a time my father lived there. I can remember him taking me to get donuts before taking me to his office and then school. I cherish those. Audrey more than likely won't have many memories. She does now but those memories change and fall away with time. Sometimes I wonder if the hurt will ever disappear? Will someone I see cause everything to rush back to times I more than anything want to forget? I am happy with where I am...happy with trying to start brand new. But I'm sure with time...it lessens the pain. It will always be a scar on my heart. I will always wonder why I wasn't enough. But would I change this path I'm on? No. I've had new experiences. Met new people. Opened myself up to experience life again. Had feelings I haven't felt in a while. So life goes on...maybe not in the way you had it mapped out, but it keeps on. And for that I am grateful...

So I finally opened the dreaded certified letter. It wasn't my eviction letter yet! Only stated they were going to attempt to sell my house on the courthouse steps on July 1st. What an odd feeling...hard to explain. I'm still sad and scared but it means I have more time to find us a home in our school district. I had thought about moving to another school district if I found I place I felt was "our new spot" we were meant to be in. But Ava has been with these same friends and schoolmates for 4 years and Audrey is already gotten into to the Pre-K program at Ava's old school. So for now...Armuchee is where we need to try to be. So, I'm a little bit less stressed than I was on Saturday night when I got home from work and found the letter. Which is nice because stressed out is what has become my new normal for the past year or so and I'm ready to leave it all behind. But I have more time than I thought to search for our new home which gives Jasper more of a fighting chance to remain our family member. Especially since I'll be leaving a comfortable home I feel safe in with it's alarm system. Jasper barks at the wind...so I know he'll try to keep us safe. Until the intruder breaks in and Jasper licks him to death. And another big change is up in the horizon for me. I will finally be coming off of weekend option at the hospital July 12th. Which is an awesome thing because with both girls in school, I will go to working every other weekend instead of every weekend. We will finally have a life! We can go to birthday parties, baby showers, weddings....oh wait...this sounds expensive! But I will have to work 12 days a month instead of 10 and for less pay so I'll have to rework my budget to allow it. But I won't have to have Ava ask me every weekend why I work every day that she is off from school. I am scared financially but so ready to have my weekends back after almost 8 years! We had always talked as parents about when this time came so we wouldn't have to pay childcare and both girls would be in school and we could have our weekends as family time. So while it's bittersweet because this was supposed to be a family of four thing...we will make new traditions as my little family of 3. Because....it is what it is and we just have to roll with it. Be ready to invite us to whatever weekend plans you have...as long as it falls on my weekend off! :)

So I went and retrieved my certified letter. But I cannot bring myself to open it. I am pretty sure it's my "30 days to get the F@*# out" letter. I got to tour all of countryside today...going 30 miles an hour. Constantly checking my rear view mirror for any cars behind me that may or may not have been cursing me from one side to another. I'll just assume the lovely finger gestures were just them waving hello. Or not. I have house lust. I drive by the For Sale signs and want to run over them. Who knows when my credit will be good enough to buy a home again? So, rent signs are few and far between. Ava requested her own bathroom to which I had to explain that not only would she be sharing a bathroom with her sister but quite possibly with me too. And possibly a bedroom with her little sister. Look then given by the 7 year old was well received I assure you. I hate it myself. I don't want to leave my home for the past 3 years. I don't want to go from somewhere nice to somewhere...uh...not so nice? I don't want to worry about if we can keep our dog. But this has been hanging over my head for about a year now. And we definitely need a fresh start. I need a fresh start. I need to open that damn letter...or maybe get to it first thing in the am. :-/ But I did win a gift certificate today from a raffle so there's a bright note. And I took a nap...which is why I am writing at 12:20 am instead of snoring. Stupid nap. Cute Audrey-ism to share: The airport is cutting down ALL the trees across from the entrance to our subdivision. This process has taken weeks. It started out with just a few at first which got my 7 year old explaining a school lesson in the back seat to my 4 year old. So Ava tells Audrey that the trees they are cutting down provide us with oxygen. (Audrey knows what oxygen is already...I mean her momma IS a nurse) So everyday more and more trees are gone. A few days ago, we had been out and about practically the whole day so we could definitely see a huge area with almost no trees left at all that where still standing when we left that morning. I told the girls to look over there at all the land where they had cut down almost every tree. A big gasp from the back seat and my youngest starts "supposedly gasping" for air. I then hear her say, "momma, I am having trouble breathing already" with a big grin. Never a dull moment with my little smart one and the little comedian sitting next to her.

Dear god the certified letter.