Mom! You asked me how I am and I always said Iâm good,
But now I know I should,
Have told you about my fears,
And all the tears,
That I wasnât able to cry, that I wasnât able to feel,
Mom, now I just want to heal!
I feel this pressure, this hate, this pain,
Living a life like that - insane.
To say that Iâm alive is a lie,
And I donât know what else to try.
Thereâs this pain inside my breast,
my heart, my fear, my anxiety inside my chest.
Mom, donât you see that Iâm in pain?
I am the rain.
And youâre the sun. Like always.
A harbor so safe,
But all thatâs left is a deep dark grave,
A grave - inside my head, my chest, a hole,
Reaching deep inside and poisoning my soul.
My life is a consistent fog. And the fog is dark,
So dark that I cannot rest, nor park,
Iâm a restless wanderer with anxiety and grief,
Mom, tell me! Where is the relief?
Where shall I go? Where shall I hide?
I need to believe.
But donât you see,
Whatâs fighting there inside of me?
You know, Mom. I fell inside that hole.
Many years ago. It hurts. So please, just let me go,
I canât resist this compulsive thought,
You know, Iâve tried, I fought.
I cried. But I know that might,
Have never been enough.
Iâm tough. Thatâs what people say,
But Iâm walking inside wet clay.
So gray that it may stay -
forever.
And I will never - be enough.
Mom! You asked me how I am and I always said Iâm good,
But now I know I should,
Have told you about my fears,
And all the tears,
That I wasnât able to cry, that I wasnât able to feel,
Mom, now I just want to heal!
I cannot sleep during the night,
Cannot say whatâs wrong or right
And I might, just fight,
And maybe that will be okay,
But thereâs just shades of black and gray.
Where is the harbor? Where could I rest?
Mom! Iâm dying from the pressure in my chest.
I cannot breathe, my head, my voice,
I guess Iâve never had a choice.
Or maybe, maybe I had and I went wrong.
It has been so long,
Since I last saw the sun, felt a little bit of fun.
Mom! Iâm always on the run.
I canât! I need to rest, I want to go,
Please, forgive me, that I never let you know,
About those nightmares in my head,
Forcing me to stay in bed.
But you know what?
My favorite color has always been red.
Like blood, like war, like battle, like death,
Itâs just a matter of time,
Until anxiety is taking my last breath.
Mom? You remember when you asked me how I am, I always said Iâm good,
But now I know I should,
Have told you about my fears,
And all the tears,
That I wasnât able to cry, that I wasnât able to feel,
Mom? Please, I just want to heal.
I always wanted to be like the others,
Or my brothers.
Who got support and love, and trust,
While I thought that I must,
Rock this world, be independent and brave
Maybe thatâs the moment where I fell in that grave.
The grave - inside my head, my chest, a hole.
Reaching deep insight, and poisoning my soul.
I felt different and wrong,
Since I never came along - with others.
And so never belong - to the gangs or groups in school.
Which made me feel like a damn fool.
I feel different and wrong,
Not like them, not like me, not like anyone.
I lost myself, my faith, my soul,
Spent too much time inside that hole.
So Mom, if you will ask me how I am or how I feel,
Maybe one day I have the strength to reveal,
That my life is a consistent lie,
And Iâm longing for the moment to die.
This pain is killing me inside,
And every part of me that died,
Took a part of my soul, my inner child,
That was once so happy and smiled -
Long ago.
Please, forgive me, that I never let you know.
I know youâre there and youâre the harbor that brought me through,
And you know I love you.
But love cannot repair my soul,
That has been too long in this damn hole.
Mom? Please forgive me that I started to lie,
But I canât handle this pain.
I love you, Goodbye.
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