Lefties Do It Right!

What does it mean to believe? If I am to believe the songs, belief is all I need to live forever in joy.

Give me something that I can believe and then I'll

Share it with the world for everyone to see

Take away the darkness, all the pain and sadness

I know it's you that put this light inside of me

I believe in a faith that's strong

I believe in a hope that carries on

I believe in these things and more

Most of all, most of all

I believe in love (Third Day, “I Believe”) 

In this time of desperation

When all we know is doubt and fear

There is only one foundation

We believe, we believe

In this broken generation

When all is dark, You help us see

There is only one salvation

We believe, we believe 

We believe in God the Father

We believe in Jesus Christ

We believe in the Holy Spirit

And He's given us new life

We believe in the crucifixion

We believe that He conquered death

We believe in the resurrection

And He's comin' back again, we believe

So, let our faith be more than anthems

Greater than the songs we sing

And in our weakness and temptations

We believe, we believe (Newsboys, “We Believe”)

That’s just two that I pulled from a quick Google search. Of course, these songs come by their obsession with believing honestly:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. – John 14:1

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16 [There’s a lot in the book of John.]

So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe, “The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.” – 1 Peter 2:7

For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes. – Romans 10:4

Whoever believes in the Son of God has the testimony in himself. Whoever does not believe God has made him a liar, because he has not believed in the testimony that God has borne concerning his Son. – 1 John 5:10

To him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name. – Acts 10:43

Then there’s Romans 10:9, which summed it up for me so well for so long: “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

There are many more. The New Testament is chock full of exhortations to believe. So the songs are biblically based, then.

I just don’t get it right now.

It can’t simply be an intellectual assent: Proposition + evidence = belief. Belief would simply be admitting what has been demonstrated to be true. Fine. If that’s the case, then people don’t believe for one of two reasons. First, they’ve never heard it. Second, they heard a poor presentation of it that failed to convince them.

Belief is definitely more than that. It’s a spiritual thing, obviously. It has to be, because the intellectual definition doesn’t hold water.

Belief seems to mean devoted (stubborn?) emotional assent despite a lack of evidentiary and/or experiential support.

“Just believe” has been pissing me off lately. It’s dismissive and scolding. And it’s used as a cudgel. It implies that anyone who doesn’t believe is foolish, selfish, or evil, or maybe all three.

If I tell someone at work or church that I’m having trouble believing lately, what will they say? I’ve heard the prescriptions: pray and read your Bible. Simple as that. I’ve done that a lot through my years, and here I find myself talking to a silent ceiling, hearing nothing in return, feeling nothing in return. Just believe it! Just do it! Don’t let the Devil convince you that it’s not true! Don’t let sin in your heart convince you of anything else! Just believe! Just believe! Believe!!

I’m calling BS.

The New Man I am still doesn’t care about homeless people and has no idea what to say in situations when I have to explain the hope that I have. Aren’t those promises made to all believers?

Believe?! Just “believe”?! HOW??? Is it a gift from the Holy Spirit that enables my basic mind to grasp the ungraspable? Then why doesn’t the Holy Spirit just get on with it and do it?

So then I’m left with one of two possibilities, neither of which I like. Either there’s no God and it’s all made up, OR I’m just not doing it right, and I’m missing out on God’s blessings because I’m an idiot, or weak, or deceived, or fallen.

It’s terrifying, really. I know people who would say I’m currently on a path to hell because I’m doubting, as per Good Buddy James: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; his is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (1:5-8).

Screw you, James. Just don’t doubt, huh? How does that work? So my doubting is a sign that I’m not a good believer. Espousing that to doubt or question beliefs only promotes fear, lying, or rejection. I’m afraid to even ask a question, so I don’t; I could be afraid of going to hell or of your reaction. I must therefore lie about my feelings or beliefs to avoid being expelled or reprimanded. Or, I cannot reconcile my doubts, and conclude that I must reject what I previously believed.

My wife texted me on Halloween day: “Call me ASAP.” Typically, because she understands I’m at work and might not be able to talk right then and there, she sends me something like “Call me when you get a chance” or “Got a minute to talk? I’m on break” or “I NEEEEED YOU RIGHT NOW GET HOME AS SOON AS YOU CAN [eggplant][peach].”

OK, I made that last one up.

I called right away, obviously. Such urgency should not be ignored. She was crying. Her mom had gone to the doctor and gotten a bad report: cancer. 

Again.

Not Still, not It’s back, but Again, as in, She has another kind of cancer.

Around her esophagus. Inoperable. Chemo. And radiation.

This will make Bout #4 with cancer for this woman, who’s had a quite a time of it. Wow. And we learned today that it’s stage 4, and the word “terminal” was used at some point, by someone.

Yep, four kinds of cancer. And, she’s on dialysis for kidney issues. The last time she went on chemo she actually had me shave her head when it got too wispy for her to stand. 

There are many sides, approaches, facets, dimensions, factors, considerations, issues, and levels to dealing with cancer, and I am certainly no expert. I’m not even competent, really, as this is pretty new for our family. We’re still figuring out what even to talk about with each other. Our daughters, currently in elementary and middle school, are aware of the situation, but I’m sure they don’t understand all the implications, mostly because we haven’t laid it all out for them. It doesn’t feel like the time for that.

Not yet, at least. Most likely that talk will come soon. And perhaps we’ll even know what to tell them.

Cancer sucks. But for now, I’ve got lunches to make for tomorrow and dishes to wash. 

I have three daughters. They get assignments in school to write a story or draw something. They create elaborate storylines with their Barbie-Disney-Star Wars dolls (bedecked with bespoke outfits crafted from old t-shirts they cut up and decorated with markers) that can take hours to perform. They often do these things on their own with no prompting outside of their cute little heads. And they love their stories. They laugh and laugh, and laugh again when they remember them later.

Little brats. Why can’t I do that.

Is Tumblr easier to keep going than the others? I have no intention of filling this space with GIFs [that’s pronounced with a soft G, by the way] or even of filling this space with any regularity. Hell, for all I know this is the only post I’ll ever put on here. 

But I get stuck in my own head way too much, and Facebook sucks and blog pages are stressful and cost money and I’m such a perfectionist I never get anything written out anyway and I need to get something out there or else I shall dissolve into my own head. Or my head will dissolve from the inside out. Or something like that. There will definitely be some dissolving going on.

So here we are. I noticed that it’s not autocapitalizing my lowercase i’s, though, so that might be a thing. We’ll deal with it for now.