Learning To Try

Respectfully,

I saw about the passing of your cat, somehow the video came across my TikTok a while back. I’m so sorry to hear about his passing, I know you would’ve literally given your life in exchange for his. I enjoyed the time I spent with him very much. I know you gave him a better life than any other owner in the world would have and in that you have to be happy and know he lived well and was always happy.

I also happened to check here about a year ago, just hours after you posted about meeting someone. I happen to usually randomly be checking back here just a few hours after your newest posts. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I know you’ll think there’s more to it than that, and maybe you’re right. I hope he makes you happy and gives you everything you deserve and more. I hope he loves you and treats you right, there’s nobody more deserving of it than you.

I hope your biopsy comes back with a negative result. I know that’s a tough situation to be in.

I hadn’t planned on writing/responding tonight, as I don’t mean to stir you up, lead you on, or anything of the sort. But I had to come and ask you something.

When you see fireworks on the 4th, New Years, or any random occasion where they have shows, does it remind you of me? I can’t help but think of you and that night in Kansas City anytime I see fireworks. A memory ingrained so deeply in my brain that it takes me back to that night, even when it’s been years, even when we haven’t spoken or seen each other in years.

I think of you often and the memories are always fond. I still care for you and wish you nothing but the best in this life. Not sure what your feelings are for me anymore, but I wanted to be honest with how I think of you.

Wishing you the best,

“I FUCKING HATE YOU” screamed across the kitchen.

“WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” hurled as she ran out the door at 3am.

“Don’t ever talk to me again.” said with such disdain you could pluck it from the air.

How could this be the response? I’d given my heart and soul; not a fraction of either reserved for myself. Could I have miscalculated, misheard, misinterpreted? I must have, because this wasn’t who I’d dedicated myself to in the beginning.

With it being past, I won’t allow digression now. I will however discuss the lasting effects of which I still struggle with.

When someone important to me defers to make a choice on where to go or what to do and I’m left with making a decision, I can barely hold myself together. With her any choice I made was wrong; why will this be any different? Why can’t they just decide?

I’m nearly degraded into tears.

Every. Time.

Why can’t I just feel okay?

The pain I feel is too deep

Enough that it takes me off my feet,

I don’t know what to do

It’s impossible for me to,

Breathe, think, feel

To tell apart the fake and the real.

I hate each moment that passes

More than the one before,

With each movement of the clock

The pain increases by scores,

But how can it get any worse?

Why can’t I find some relief?

It just keeps on growing

Until I’m stuck gritting my teeth,

And praying for help with this burden

Hoping some joy I can keep,

Keep my spirits high

Keep from doing the deed.

I just want it to end

I’d much rather fall,

On the ground I would land

Ending it all,

That would be it

The very last call.

I’m hurting so much

Every day it worsens,

It doesn’t make sense

Why I carry this burden,

I’d like to unload

To stop carrying so much,

But it’s my load to carry

No one else can touch,

So continue I must

Forward into the storm,

Maybe one day it’ll end

58 days I made it this time. Without checking here to find you, your words, and your memories.

That’s the longest I’ve ever gone.

I don’t know what to do now, what to say, or how to feel. Do I feel proud of myself for making it so long? Do I feel ashamed for having given in? Or should I feel regret and pain for having put you off and pushed you away for so long? I pushed thoughts of you away when they arose for so long.

Why couldn’t I just read the writing on the walls?

Why couldn’t I realize it was you, it’s always been you, and that I was a fool for ever messing any of that up? For throwing it away...

I threw away the most amazing woman I had ever known or been with. I did it because I had issues with myself, my own image, and major issues with where I was in life. I couldn’t see that you were the best part of that life. You brightened my days, you made me laugh and smile, and you always made me feel better when I was down on myself.

I’ve got plenty more to say. More feelings I’ve held deep down for a long time that I need to address and apologize for. But I figure this is a start

I’m sorry S.

Yours always,

The place we first met and fell for each other.

Could you be there?

Why am I here?

Should I be here?

Why don’t I just end it?

The only reasons I can come up with are R, L, and N. And I still find I’m trying to convince myself that those are good enough reasons.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

I don’t want to eat.

I don’t want to breathe.

I don’t want to exist.

Thank you. Truly.

You were right, I needed to hear a lot of that. I thought about taking my life last night and this morning, so I wouldn’t have to deal with today or any other days anymore. You’ve made my day so much better. I don’t know how you still have such capacity to love, but I’m so thankful.

I don’t want to sever ties between us, I’m just still trying to figure myself out so I don’t become a burden for you to have to carry. I want to be strong on my own first, because I never want to drag you or someone else down. I hope you can understand and I hope that doesn’t cause you to lose faith in me.

It was so much more than that. It was our connection on a much deeper level.

Like you’ve said before, a connection that feels like we’ve been lovers for a thousand lifetimes and will be for a thousand more.

It’s a connection so deep we don’t need words to communicate.

It’s knowing you so well you sometimes legitimately question if I have cameras that I can see you on 24/7.

It’s something so rare that after over a year apart and with very little communication, we’re still all each other can think about.