ehehehehehehe

wait i just found out you can be nice to people and be their friend i thought we had to kill them all cause i was raised in a lab to be a living weapon

washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes

@funnier-as-a-system

[ID: a tweet by someone whose username is only half visible. The post reads: nightmare blunt rotation but it’s just me when i was 14 me when i was 17 me when i was 21 and me when i was 25. / end ID]

fuck all the fake shit.

Everyone envies me for my shrimp lighter

[ID: photos of a lighter shaped like a red shrimp where OP flicks back the shrimp's head to reveal the lighter part. End ID.]

at the club no drinks.in.fully stone cold sober: what if thsre was a secret city