Can we start again?

- found out my husband had been lying about an addiction for 7 years on top of some already controlling and weird behaviour in other areas

- found out that my husband had a history of stalking another woman

+ found the strength to separate from my ex, open my own personal bank account and transfer a third of our money to myself for safekeeping

- soon-to-be ex husband illegally changed the locks on our jointly owned property and told me he wouldn't give me a key until I came back to him

- spent over a month living on my best friend's couch while trying to leave the city to make distance from my ex

+ developed a closer and deeper relationship with my best friend, became godmother to her baby and had the best opportunity to support and lighten her load while I lived there

+ got my first tattoo!

- transferred to a new branch with my company and had to use all my paid sick time and vacation to cover my leave to make the move, and had to take an unpaid week on top of it all

+ moved closer to extended family, getting to know aunts, uncles, and cousins better than ever

+ made new friends

- soon-to-be-ex-husband started illegally renting our property without disclosing to me

- used up all my legal aid combatting shitty separation agreements by my ex (he pushed for no spousal support and no share of any of our shared/marital assets despite making over 3 times my salary and committing multiple civil crimes against me)

+ audacity of ex encouraged me to put myself out there and see people who expressed interest in me, I went on some dates and expanded my horizons

- got broken up with by one person because I'm bisexual :/

- was raped by another date and had to take more unpaid leave to recover psychologically, essentially paying money to recover from someone hurting me

+ got to see all my family together for the first time since I got married to my ex (almost 7 years ago!)

- am ending the year with either tonsilitis at best or mono at worst

I am not stupid. I am smart.

It is not okay for my spouse to mistreat me, it is even more not okay for my spouse to mistreat me without apology or recognition of the damage they've done

I am allowed to start over

My community supports me

I have the whole rest of my life ahead of me. So many options are open to me. My life does not end here.

People have made it through this before with less support, less independence, less knowledge, and less money - I can too, even if it's hard

knowing the smell of them and feeling the warmth of their skin against mine, the way their chest rises and falls as they sleep, the sound of each breath

someone who promised to be there forever, the security of having someone to come home to

a warm embrace on a bad day