Be Geek or Be Dead!

also stars fans: 

new order: never knows whats going on, knows how to have a good time

omd: does everything for the banter, never knows whats going on

soft cell: gay, wears too much eyeliner

gary numan: 80s nerd by day, emo by night

howard jones: has like 2 friends, gay

kajagoogoo: what

tears for fears: probably never leaves the house, straight, thinks they’re from a country that doesn’t exist

those who don’t know, Kalevala is the national epic of Finland

there’s a lot of death and blood and marrying off a young girl to an old man and curses and slavery and a random chick getting pregnant from a lingonberry

also Tolkien wrote fanfiction of one of its sequences, Kullervo

Children of Hurin? based on Kullervo

Quenya? based on Finnish

Tolkien also learned some Finnish to read Kalevala bc he hated the English translation

anyway thanks to Kalevala we have Middle-Earth

Suspect #1:

Name: Calcifer Age: 1 and ½ Occupation: Professional Gatekeeper Hobbies: Meowing to leave the bedroom when the door is closed, then meowing to get back in exactly 30 seconds later; sticking his paw in my food when I’m not pay attention; ignoring the toys we buy him and playing with dish towels instead; Napping. Motivation: None. He generally stays in his lane and behaves well.

Suspect #2:

Name: Oliver Age: 1 Occupation: Professional Attention Seeker Hobbies:  Laying on my chest while I play video games and demanding attention; eating Greek yogurt; playing with cotton balls; hiding in boxes. Motivation: Likes to hide near the game consoles because they get warm.

Suspect #3:

Name: Banjo Age: 8 Months Occupation: Professional Butt Hobbies:  Eating cat poo when no one is paying attention; eating underwear; being a Good Boy™ when treats are involved; being a sinvergüenza; giving lots of love to everyone he meets. Motivation: Likes to stick his nose in places where it doesn’t belong.  Deductions: The Xbox One on button has drool marks all over it, very reminiscent of a certain puppers’ antics… Conclusion: Banjo has been licking the on button on the Xbox One because he likes the sound it makes when it turns on. BOOK HIM, BOYS!