how’s one meant to grow when walls keep cavin in

I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time, but i don't get them anymore. I sometimes get some intrusive thoughts, but i know that they don't represent my true feelings at all. I will never willingly end my life (until perhaps i am very old and tired of life or sick with terminal illness). I know who i am and i am here to stay. I am of this world so long as my body fights to lower my internal enthropy. So, no need to worry there. My life just started, and i have gotten a couple of tastes of what happiness is like. No way i'm leaving if the possibility exists for me to experience it again

Chi sono? È tanto strano fra tante cose strambe un coso con due gambe detto guidogozzano!

if i think about all i have to do later today i might explode

«Ma anche la paura in fondo mi dà sempre un gusto strano...Se ci fosse ancora mondo sono pronto, dove andiamo?»

Agott they could never make me hate you

i've known dear wormwood (the album) for years now, but it just keeps getting better. It has a level of depth that i never even thought of investigating.

Oh. I think i'm getting depressed again. I've been through it before, i think i know how to handle it... But i recognise it now.

it is the time for hope, it is the time for LIFE

I DO NOT want a future where my options keep shrinking until i'm stuck in a tiny cage of pressure and self hate again. i don't want to do this to myself. i will not do this to myself

sometimes i wonder if i-m ever actually going to do anything for fun, anything that i like, or if im just gonna try and try and try to speed up the natural course of my life, quickly blowing through all the steps that i know need to happen, without ever stopping to think, and stare, and sway and then purposefully jump into something new and useless and fresh. I used to think that maybe i wanted a tattoo, or piercings, or to dye my hair. But i just can-t get myself to spend the money. It feels futile to try to change a body that will never belong to me. Other than that, i dont ever buy myself anything, or do anything that i want to do, except when i try to procrastinate i numb my brain with whatever is available. Maybe this is just the emotions of midnight talking. Nonetheless. i have no idea how to be more materially myself. Ever.

i'm really worried im never gonna manage to get my shit together, without hurting myself. I don't even think i'm capable of forcing myself like i used to, but i have no other way to do anything, really...

i wonder how much i'd have loved ancient songs

i really enjoyed studying philosophy in high school. i loved twisting my brain into knots trying to follow and understand many thinkers, following their reasoning within their historical and cultural context. And a lot of it i was able to follow. But some of it just never seemed to make sense to me. It felt like interspersed with the logical conclusions that naturally followed upon each other, there was a layer of what in my head i labelled as "random weird shit". The random weird shit just didn't seem to fit in with the explanations i was given by my teacher or the textbook. It gave me the feeling of something between a hallucination, and a large high stakes TTRPG game, where new ideas, languages, and rules for reality existed. As it turns out, the "random weird shit", is a whole other type of stuff that we try really hard to ignore, and has a vast, long standing tradition: esoterica. Now that i am learning about it, it just makes me go AHA! when i remember being confused about what the actual fuck Parmenides was on about.

Some ideas for at home experiments: Blue bottle experiment (methylene blue, glucose, sodium hydroxide) Copperammine (Copper sulfate, ammonia, ethanol) elephant toothpaste (peroxide, )

I am so so screwed... Oh god i'm genuinely so screwed.

It feels like all my life is a big contingency plan sometimes