my partner just said they want to take a break because i have done heinous things, and i need to fix them. And they said i need to stop having a passive role and actually fix stuff myself. What should i do
when they feel bad i have consciously avoided taking actions to help them, and subconsciously done things to harm them, like feeding them food they are allergic to. Essentially, i have taken advantage of the moments where they were most vulnerable and harmed them, repeatedly and consistently, and then tried to tell myself it was clearly an accident since i didn't do it intentionally, while i should have been working on fixing my subconscious. It is true. I don't know what to do about it. I'm already in therapy, I'm trying to make them things to become a better cook so i can make them actually edible meals when they are sick.
I resent them because they are quite mean to me when i fuck up, even if they are right that i did fuck up. But even in the period of timewhen they were always nice to me, i still made the same "mistakes". I suspect it is an issue about wanting to regain control, wanting proof that they actually love me no matter how horrible i am, and maybe a bit of self hatred, where i want them to hate me to prove my own opinions about myseslf.
Yes. I do feel like i am more focused on my own shame than my impact on them. I think that might mean that i don't really love them. Even though, it seems like they are the only person who ever understood me.
But they're acting like i have to somehow prove myself to them, and i just didn't know what to say when they said to stop being passive. I didn't know what they wanted me to say so i said nothing
I felt apathetic and i felt like throwing everything we had away because i didn't feel anything
Another thing is, they are a sociopath (diagnosed), and they actively choose to love me. Which means that if they wanted, they could fuck me up mentally to no end. I am considering just leaving before that happens. Because even IF I love them, it's not worth years of my mental sanity. TO clarify, they have said that they can and will do it if i harm them enough for me to deserve it, and i would say i am definitely in "deserving it" territory.
it's kind of part of our agreement. Until i fix my issues they will somewhat emotionally "bully" me, but eventually, that will stop as I resolve my own issues. HUH. Maybe that's what they mean when they say they have taken on too much responsibility. Imagine having to harm people in order for them to correct their behavior, just because they have grown up in such a fucked up environment that they are now unable to improve through positive reinforcement. That might not be the most fun thing to do to your partner…
I asked them i f what we have now is worth saving, and not the potential us of the future, and they said yes. I thought it wasn't so. They seem to, despite it all, love me. Right now, the way I am, despite all the fucked up shit. I keep asking for confirmation that they love me, expecting them to say no. And they kept confirming it with no hesitation no matter what. And i just couldn't take it, for some reason. One possibility is that i don't love them, and i can't accept being loved by someone who i do not love back. The other one is there is something very wrong with me that makes me reject love, and at the same time require proof of it. constant, and extreme proof, and they can never prove it enough
We have now talked about the terms of our break in the relationship. The break will last at most until the beginning of october. It is now the 22 of june. We will communicate if necessary through text about roommate-type duties, buy our own food, but still do our laundry in one batch. In this time i am to attend weekly therapy sessions. When I feel i am ready to attempt a relationship again, I will tell them so. They have now sent me a text asking the following. "Do you think biweekly or weekly check ins would be helpful? They'd simply serve as opportunities for you to report on your progress and potentially for you to ask if we shall continue or cease dating ."
I went for 1 check in at the end of july
I think that the root cause of the issue is that I simply do not trust them to love me, and i constantly require confirmation from them and proof, in the most horrible ways. This has greatly harmed our relationship. And it is what i need to work on. It's not their fault i don't believe them when they show me love. Why should I punish them for it? They do not deserve this, it has nothing to do with them. So why is it that i simply, no matter how hard they prove it to me, I cannot ever believe that they truly love me?
Now i'm afraid that even though they said that they love me and that what we have is worth saving, i'm already thinking that when the time comes, I'll say that i'm ready to go back to having a relationship and they'll just tell me it's too late, and they didn't mean it anyway, but at least this way they got me to do some growth so i don't fuck up my next relationship. After all of that, i still think they don't love me and are lying to me
it's okay even if they don't love me. it doesn't matter if they don't. I can only know my feelings and i know they are true. Or at least that's what i'd like to believe. That is how i wish i could love.
What if i did all this, not because i'm somehow damaged, but because i simply do not love them?
well, further evidence would be that when i think of them i only think of the fun i had with them and the good times we had together. I feel more attached to how they made me feel than to the person they are. In fact I am worried i barely knew them at all, because i thought they took pleasure and satisfaction in treating me badly, but they actually don't. Quite the opposite, in fact
I just want them to finally admit they made a wrong choice. No matter how socially competent they think they are, i somehow managed to deceive them, and now they stay with me because of a sunk cost fallacy. I don't understand what they ever saw in me, and the only reason they haven't torn me to shreds and cast out is because of their own ego, that won't let them admit they made a mistake with me.
Well, it would mean that none of my actions to hurt them had any valid motive at all. Of course they cannot be justified, but they don't even have the slightest basis. I hurt them again and again for no reason, and refused to acknowledge it when i did. It all feels so pointless. I was trying to protect myself from absolutely nothing.
Why am i so convinced they don't love me? Another thing i sometimes thought, was that they were alwasy trying to teach me a lesson. And every now and then they were. But most of the time they were just in pain and hoping that i would give them a hand. Why am i so vindictive and manipulative and insecure on all fronts? Is it trauma, or is this just who i am, and what's the difference? Do i inherently mistrust them, because they are smarter than i am? I don't think i could ever do anything like this to someone who is dumber.
i think it is because even when i was very young i was already smart enough to manipulate the adults in my life. In my defense, they harmed me in ways i have not yet come to term. Now that i see someone who could do that to me, i can't imagine anything else, but that they would. When I am seen, i feel anger. I feel so so cornered and i tend to lash out. Behave in extremely immature ways. I feel the thrashing rage of an animal that just stepped into a steel trap.
