nov 2020

cleaning your room and finding old class photos and looking at when you were actually happy vs when you started to hate yourself while teen idle is playing like jesus fuck what happened

jesus christ its already november and im still not skinny what a scam

im going to study as hard as i can this holiday, this year and next year's syllabus, so that when school reopens, ill at least know what im doing. im not going to be the fat kid that fails almost half the core subjects anymore, fuck that kid. im going to become thin, and smarter, ill be the kid everyone envies and wants to be. ill be the kid everyone worries for because theyre too skinny, and gets dizzy after every run and every physical training. ill be the kid who gets so little vitamins and calories that bruises and marks appear everywhere and takes forever to heal up. my school uniform and all my clothes can hang off my body, even if theyre size xs. collarbones, jawlines, bikini bridge and thigh gap. ill be the kid that they have to bring in to ask if everythings ok, and people will actually care for me. ill be able to cut my hair short and look masculine, or somewhat masculine. ill be able to do all that. i cant use this stupid virus as an excuse anymore. i need to continue this before i die fat and stupid and unhappy.

i think im going to start posting food diaries to motivate myself more