La Maja Oscura

Making 1 small change that can start improving your mood leads to other small changes. When I couldn’t make myself shower I would make sure I changed underwear every day. And then I started using baby wipes to keep myself fresh. And then I worked my way back to trying to take showers every day. My record might not be perfect but I’m getting better.

If you also have Gender Reasons for Not Wanting That Shit, it can be a yeeterus BUT ALSO: middle surgery

“Nobody:

Girls that bullied goth kids in high school:”

My nine-year-old neighbor: *crashes mom’s car into my yard*

* New student, very small. Grace said it was pebble. Pebble is small Earth rock. Pebble likes name.

* He found out Eridians have no gender rules.

* Students brought him mineral sample. After he stopped crying he said he loves show-and-tell game. Human naming conventions oddly literal.

* I told him Earthsun grew bright.

* I took him up atop atmosphere bypass elevator to look at stars.

* He woke up from nap and found me still with him. I did not wait on his chest; he says I am heavy like “elephant” and he “couldn’t breathe.” I laid my arm over him instead, kept him close, feeling safe. He said “cuddle” was warm.

* Before class he heard younglings singing.

* He has plants in house from sprouts on ship. Plant grew “bud.”

* Engineers got seawater temperature right. He took off shoes and stood in water, sighing. He didn’t care about pants getting damp. Cried until shirt was also damp. Humans very endlessly wet.

* He missed “Doritos.”

* Adrian helped food scientists make taumoeba dried paste. Made it crunchy after heating. We fused it into triangle form. Told him it was Tauritos. That made him laugh-cry. Laugh-cry is rare and precious.

* He remembered Eridians have no gender rules.

* We made him celebration outfit. Used metals he calls pretty. He can see frequencies named “colorful” and “shiny.” These make humans happiest.

* I gave him hug when he wasn’t expecting it. Easier to hug close now with exosuit. Hug when Grace sitting down so he does not fall over.

But here comes the twist: Shane and Ilya still think its best to hide their relationship until retirement: They didn't want to fuck with their careers, Shane is still paranoid that the Centaurs could be as homophobic as the Metros, they don't wanna be the talk of the league, they don't know how sponsors and fans would react if they both would be publicly outed as queer and also in a relationship, especially with their history, they don't wanna fuck with the teams concentration while they are in the middle of a rebuild. Many good reasons to keep it low. And it's okay, really, because their situation still has massively improved. They live in the same city, just 20 minutes away instead of two hours, they have the same schedule and see each other every day, they can play amazing hockey together.

And they do such a good job, keeping their relationship hidden from their teammates. They have the typical lockerroom chirping and bantering down to a tee. They play so hard against each other during the scrimmages as if this were a game 7 in the playoffs (and they barely can hide their smiles when they push each other into the boards). When they showers they take the stalls that are the furthest apart. They get into a screaming match discussing a strategy how to beat Florida. They call each other bro and buddy. Ilya sticks with Bood and Shane with Wyatt when travelling (while secretly typing messages to each other and smiling all the time). They groan exasperatedly when there is a slip up with the hotel room bookings and they have to share rooms for week long roadtrip. They arrive for training always exactly 6 minutes apart and leave the lockerroom 4 minutes apart. They need to be told to sit closer to each other for the group photo. They are the first to celebrate each other's goals and compliment each other's game moves in interviews, speaking highly and very respectfully about each other's talents. They are the perfect teammates, keeping the balance between friendly and professional. Sometimes, in the calm evenings at home, they can't help but smile, so very proud, how the are fooling everyone.

Except, they fool no-one. Wyatt was the first to notice this strangely precise pattern how Roz always arrives exactly six minutes after Hollzy. He also doesn't miss the way Roz always seems to be more relaxed when Hollzy is in the room, laughing louder, the smile wider. Dykstra didn't want to snoop through the cupboards, really, he was just looking for snack while visiting Ilya's place, and it took him two days and a cartoonish epiphany moment to figure out why Cap hoards protein pulver of the exact brand Hollzy does commercials for and Ilya can't stop nag him about.

Bood would not be such a good host if he wouldn't notice two of his guests disappearing for a few minutes, together. Well that, and Cassie catching a glance of them kissing and telling Bood later.

Chouinard just listened to their bickering, how affectionately Shane calls Ilya asshole, how well Ilya knows how to rile Shane. He doesn't know exactly what is going on, but he has played hockey long enough to know that there is no casual explanation for whatever his captain and alternate captain have going on.

Luca has read enough 100k enemies to lovers slow burn fics to catch their vibe immediately, but also Cap wearing the exact green hoodie Shane wore last week is pretty telling.

Holmberg absentmindedly told Ilya and Shane to go take a room, after a win and they couldn't stop excitedly repeating how they obliterate the other team, finishing each other's sentence as if they are mind readers, and there was something in the way they fell silent immediately and subtle eyebrow raise Ilya directed at Shane.

Troy catches Ilya glancing at Shane's ass in the lockerroom, mainly because Troy himself couldn't stop himself from looking and then quickly averted his eyes, and it seems like-minded spirits recognise each other. And Ilya pouring his heart out to him was a clue as well.

Harris simply had to rewatch the game tapes, looking for highlights to edit together for social media posts and he can only shake his head how obvious it is to see. Not only the insane chemistry while playing as their bodies instinctively know where the other one will be. It's the bright smiles, the hands that linger a bit too long on each other's back after a goal celebration, Shane visibly blushing when Ilya does his "I love you" bit with his team after a game, how they instinctively sit next to each other on the bench, how worried Ilya looks when someone fouls Shane too hard, how Shane seems to hunt down everyone who looks at Ilya wrong. He immediately prepares a post where the Centaurs express their support, just in case this super secret relationship gets out.

It flirts with the idea of rebellion and emancipation from slavery but ultimately discredits those notions by having the rebel leader become a lead cop in the institution that was repressing him and by making emancipation seem silly.

It reflects the chauvinisms of a British aristocrat who offers an impossible narrative of an abused child escaping abuse through the purity of their Aryan magic blood. It’s a fantasy that doesn’t even pretend to offer catharsis or self-actualization, merely hundreds of pages of occasionally racist drivel about a special little boy who joins the SS after reforming them from the inside.