lala

the girls whose brains start moving slower, no longer paying attention to what you're actually saying, too distracted by the ache that definitely wasn't there before you called.

the girls who will absolutely deny their inattention, even when you have to repeat your question multiple times. the ones who will blame their sleepiness or their phone connection or a distracting notification, anything but the truth. the ones who can't quite fight their instinctual whine when your voice drops just a little deeper upon realizing exactly what's happening, asking if it's your voice that's got them all distracted.

my faith has always been a guidebook of sorts- a reference point that influences my character. islam to me, has never taught me to be divisive or aggressive or a point of restriction or an enforcer of conservatism. rather, in my personal practice, it encourages mercy, discipline, deep love, strength and kindness and the promise of ease after hardship. islam has notoriously been weaponised against women and the lgbtqia+ community. this absolutely breaks my heart and baffles me as someone who has officially studied the "role of women" (i hate this term but alas) in islamic history and how much they have influenced both the islamic and secular world, even in the modern day. (read about fatima al-fihri and khawla bint al-anzar if you haven't previously!) islam promotes the development of a society that is safe for women, prioritises women as capable of immense change and as leaders in their own right in their communities.

how can something as beautiful as i know it to be and am visibly seen practicing be weaponised so harshly? an omnibenevolent creator - the all merciful, so to speak - created me with intention. love is never and will never be a sin, and the thought that some people think the discrimination and attack on our community is acting “mercifully” or in a holy manner are just completely idiotic in my view.

there is no evidence of lgbtqia+ people being “sinful” (if i get any more comments on the story of lut i will get so mad bc it is so clear the central issue is one of consent and violation)

but then the contextual background also hits, specifically being south asian. our community is notorious for putting people down rather than uplifting and celebrating them. we are silent when good things happen to people but immediately point fingers and gossip at others failures or inabilities to conform to their standards. conservative values are still very much pushed onto girls and young women; to many members of my own wider community, my existence independent to my sexuality (particularly as an ex-dancer, someone who moved out to uni, someone outspoken, involved in the arts and has decentred marriage) is already incredibly liberal. i don’t personally know any people with my cultural background who are lgbtqia+ and, honestly, none of my hometown community (except a few closeted lesbians and non-muslim/south asian friends) know about my sexuality.

this rant is not to say that i am ashamed of my identity. that is absolutely not the case. but i can understand, and have the right to express the fact, that due to how many factors of my person intersect, it’s probably best for my sexuality to not be shared with people who won’t celebrate it. whilst it hurts that people who i see as my own won’t be able to fully appreciate this side of me, i think it’s so important to consider how complex and multifaceted coming out is and how difficult, and potentially dangerous, it can be in some communities.

that does NOT mean i tolerate and hate or discrimination from “my people.” it hurts to think that i may not be able to share my love for a future partner in front of particular people (especially as someone who loves SO SO loudly, even platonically) and i know that introduces a whole new layer of complexities.

i guess it all comes down again to something i’ve struggled with ever since i realised i liked women; i’ve always had the intention that if i need to compromise or sacrifice, i will. if a partner - who i deeply love - cannot deal with the complexities of my personal situation, i can sacrifice the relationship so they get to experience what they truly deserve: a relationship proud and out to all, including family and wider cultural community. i’m so scared that means that i won’t be able to give the love i know i’m capable of and receive the love i deserve.

most of the books listed i have as pdfs in my digital butch/femme library accessible here 💕

- book reader femmes who debated on getting a kindle because they love physical copies of books but gave in and got a kindle which is now filled with the filthiest smut.

- butches who learned to cook one dish absolutely perfectly and make it for everyone they love and feel genuinely proud every single time.

- futches who are stuck somewhere between wanting to be someone’s boyfriend and wanting to be someone’s pretty girlfriend.

- femmes who send voice notes instead of texts because “it’s easier,” resulting in a seven minute audio file.

- butches who learn practical skills from random youtube videos and become weirdly good at them.