(ap) I wanna fly up high!

what did he do wrong?

was he still not enough? if hase’d been anyone else, he’d have taken the hint, the rejection, and moved on, but every word stung, every syllable weighed on his shoulders, heavy, permanent fixtures to a narrow frame, and he could no longer tell if he was just angry at him anymore. no. his chest ached, muscles tight, heart burning with every agonizing beat. it felt like the floor had been ripped from underneath him and he was falling, belly lurching, fingers uselessly reaching for something, someone to stabilize him, but all he found was carpet, tumbling to his knees as nausea hit him like a brick wall, his breath caught in his throat.

hands clutched at his arms, claws tearing into black fabric, his skin. what did he do? what did he say? all this time and haseshi returns just to play with him, pin him down, remind him of everything he’d been waiting for, everything he wanted, everything he loved, and just as quickly rip that all away. he didn’t have to say anything more than that. fait could understand. he wasn’t stupid. golden eyes and warm hands wanted nothing more to do with him and it was all too clear that he’d meant nothing after all. the only person he was willing to do anything for - and he was nothing. nothing. nothing.

he was sick to his stomach, holding himself, teetering forward enough to fall face first into the floor, rusted gaze screwed so tightly it was a wonder how any tears could’ve possible escaped. his ears cemented themselves to soft brown, teeth biting into a quivering lip enough for skin to break, tail flailing so wildly behind him. he *was* stupid. all the trust in the world had been poured into the feelings he felt for the redhead, believing that they were shared, that he was *allowed* to have them, that he was free to be selfish and weak and soft no matter how violent and angry and *afraid* he really was. stupid, stupid, stupid! and still, even now…

get away from him

enjoy his tears u ass.

         Missed him? Really? There wasn’t a reason for Haseshi to doubt those words in the slightest, though. It was only natural: after all they’ve been through, after all the emotions unleashed inbetween them like a raging storm, all the contained rage and sorrow only the other could understand… 

         Haseshi felt the same. That was the reason he came back, right? For him? Fait, his kitten, his…friend? Acquaintance? Lover? If only it was so easy as to put a label to the kind of relationship they had; because that’s what it was, a relationship; and just the fact that it was a relationship at all was troubling enough for the redhead, he shouldn’t have let it go past a quick thing in between them, a wild night together, a few hits, scratches, blooming bruises here and there– That was supposed to be it.

         But something kept drawing him to Fait and by the time he noticed it was already too late, he was too involved– Emotionally involved. The words ‘I missed you’ reaching his ears just brought conflicting feelings over him, made him experience emotions he’s only felt once before; memories of a past life, not all that long ago, rising to his mind and making him feel sick; and thus, hence the anger and wrath clear in the subtle way his expression shifted– Brows furrowed, scowl almost present, fists clenching and body tensing–

      “Missed me, huh?…” 

         I missed you, too. I missed you so much, I only came back for you. I wondered every day how you were doing, if you thought about me as much as I thought about you. I couldn’t keep going without knowing how you were doing first. I’m sorry I left without a word, I’m sorry you had to suffer because of me, I’m sorry I–

         Those worsds, however, never left his mouth. They got stuck in his throat, along with the knot the could feel as he swallowed them heavily. Instead, what came out was just the beginning of what he thought would be the right thing to do: for both him and Fait. The beginning of the end.

the moment he stepped up to his dorm room door did he smell an oh-so familiar scent, flashes of violent red in eyes once honeyed, hands and arms he knew so well, lips and teeth he craved to feel again in the crook of his neck, the shells of feline ears. it’d been so long, his breath caught in his throat and his heart hammered against his rib cage, fingers freezing in place around the door handle, dark brows furrowing, every emotion he could possibly feel ripping through him like a hurricane, unforgiving, destructive. how long had it been since he’d seen those eyes, breathed in the comforting scent of iron and smoke? he counted every moment, every day, since haseshi left him alone.

was he still…his? after all this time? did that even matter? after all, he was the one that left. he abandoned him, disappeared without so much as a hint as to where he might have gone, and all fait could do was wonder, angry, tearful, yearning to hear his voice again. now that he might have that chance, he was– some part of him was afraid, but now wasn’t the time to be a fucking wuss. he swallowed the knot in his throat and in one fell swoop, he barrelled through his doorway, dropping his bag, feet pounding into the floor, eyes narrow and fixed on hase’s familiar form, and even though he’d lacked confidence, strength fleeing his vocal chords, he slammed his hands into the redhead’s chest and pulled him down, arms thrust around his neck.

was he angry? was he relieved? disappointed? aching? happy? he felt so much, but all he wanted in that moment was him.

‘ fuck you, fuck you, i missed you, ‘ he babbled, clinging to hase with everything that he was, pressing his quivering lips to his, every word falling from his tongue a broken, achy sound. how dare you, after all this time, how dare you.

         Ah, there it was. There he was, in all his glory. How long has it really been? Has Haseshi really been gone for that long? If all the expressions passing through the feline’s visage was something to go by. And in those instants-- In those long, almost eternal seconds the two of them were just staring at each other, not knowing what to say, the robber himself didn’t know what to do, either, what to think or what to feel.

         He had been the one going in there himself; willingly, consciously; and yet...he wanted to leave right now, a wave of wrongness washing over him-- What was he thinking? Why did come back? For him? Yes, yes he did, that was un unchangable fact and as much as he wanted to deny it he couldn’t trick his own heart even if he tried, couldn’t possibly try to deny all these conflicting feelings bubbling inside him threatening to spill over and make him lose his mind.

         But no. He had to remain clam, had to remain in control. That’s why, despite of the mess that were his mind and his heart, on the outside he looked...surprisingly neutral. Blank, almost; merely a very slightly furrow of his brows all that he would allow to change in his otherwise emotionsless expression, given the impression he was merely a bit troubled about this whole ordeal.

         That was just a facade, of course, just as mask that quickly crumbled the moment he felt the familiar embrace of Fait, of his kitten, again; how that smaller frame clung to him like a lifeline and Haseshi wouldn’t be far from that himself, arms quickly wrapping around the other tightly-- Almost painfully so as he immediately pushed him up against the wall without hesitation, not letting the other talk, just letting their lips moving desperately against each other do the talking.

         Fuck. Fuck. 

         ‘I missed you so much. I’m so sorry I left you, I’m so sorry I was gone for so long’

      Shit... How awkward this felt. It shouldn’t have to be, it wasn’t the first time he did something like this, right? This was the life he chose, after all. Never staying in one place for too long like some kind of self imposed rule so, of course, now coming back felt...extremely out of place. Maybe slightly out of character, even. It wouldn’t be if he was looking for something, like usual, but no; Haseshi was looking for someone, instead, and he was shameless enough to straight up go to that special person’s place and just wait inside.