becca

I will never know:

I Want

I don’t wanna dream about you anymore yet I'm here dreaming about you anyway.

I'm Not There I hope you are aware my darling that I feel much better about the world knowing you're in it. I would feel even better still if I could lay beside you each night and hear your thoughts on… what are your thoughts my love? what shakes you awake when I'm not there beside you to soothe the worry?

as empty as I may feel as full as I crave to be I will always find a way to smile like I would if you loved me. I yearn to be filled with all I have been denied but will I freeze up at the very first touch? my garden remains watered from the rain of its own pain but the water is growing murkier by the day.

you continue to astound me and I continue to crave you. my stomach threatens to churn at the thought of dying before we touch. I continue to prevent the inevitable songs poems novels about who we could've been. you'll never know, my darling of the stars we could have seen had they aligned just a little to the right. we are made of the same dust I truly believe. as long as you find another as willing to devote their work to you as I am I will manage a life without you my love.

I've been watering dead plants carrying bags of broken glass and walking past boxes in the loft I'd long forgotten about. last night, choking on the rain coming through the skylight I left open I threw the plants away. I swept up the shards of glass I'd dropped around my feet and opened the boxes in the loft only to find them filled with someone else's memories. now I'm stood - with my feet in the dust rain trailing down my back hair stuck to my skin - looking out a frosty window at the top of my childhood home searching for the overgrown driveway I've never walked down.

compliments you pay me in compliments for the time we spent together like you're doing me a favour. like I'm going to spend my not-that-hard-earned cash on something pretty. on something as shiny as we once were. you pay me in compliments and I save the money for someone far more expensive than you.

furball we sit in each others' laps legs curled around legs arms around waists and shoulders. you choke me with your fears and I swallow them like they're mine. you drown me in your sorrows and I tread the waters of your pain like they're mine. your red t-shirt becomes crinkled in my damp palm your neck becomes wet and your ribs squeeze closer and closer and closer together. my breath catches in my throat like a cat with a furball. except it's every fear you've ever had clawing its way back up my throat seeking its revenge on you.