isa

You had smelled him before he spoke, even if your eyes were trained on your hands that were gently embraced in the silver bracelets you had been forced to wear. He smelled of hazelnut coffee and paper. You could almost taste his aftershave, its scent still ingrained in your memory from your nose once being pressed into his neck—that situation was more pleasurable than the current one.

"How was prison?" His voice sounded almost the same, he was older now. His voice had deepened only the slightest, but you could still hear him. Spencer.

Your eyes met his doe-like ones. You studied his face, every freckle was where it always had been. Where they had been before he met you, and where they stayed, even after. "Fun." You replied.

His eyebrow quirked and your thighs clenched at the movement. "Fun?" He questioned. "How did you stay sane?"

"Chess and laundry."

"With a brain like yours, you need constant stimulation. Those combined is what, three, four hours tops? What about the other twenty?"

With a brain like yours. He still knows your brain? After so long? Your heart jumped at the thought.

"I read." You said, studying him—his posture, the way his hands stayed in his pockets, the way his hair curled and how long it had gotten.

"Bullshit." He said almost immediately.

You scoffed at his bluntness. "You don't think I read?"

"I don't believe that's all you do." He said.

A dark haze settled over your eyes at his words, sure, it's not all you do.

"Yeah, me and the guards get into a frisky game of strip poker." You said, before clenching your jaw and looking away from him. "No, I... escape from the mental prison that you and your colleagues have put me in." You emphasized 'colleagues' by speaking it louder and looking into the mirror where you knew his friends remained.

He raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. His movement made your eyes zero in on his arms, your mouth running a little dry and your thighs clenching a little harder.

"Why am I here, Spencer?" You asked, leaning forward into the metal table. His eyes tracked your movement, he watched as your lips pouted and how his name flowed deliciously off of your tongue.

"It's Doctor." He corrected.

Your head tilted to the side. "Dr. Spencer? Seems a little kinky for our relationship—warden and prisoner, and all."

He closed his eyes and sighed. "Dr. Reid." He corrected.

You smiled at his final correction. He didn't deny the relationship that you had made in your head. "Okay, Dr. Reid." You drawled. Shivers raced down his spine and he fought the urge to shudder. He knew if he did, your ego would boost tremendously.

"With all the security around here, you'd think I was Dahmer or Manson." You said.

"It's the FBI Headquarters."

"Yeah, it is." You said. You looked for his signs, signs that he was hiding something—deceiving you in any way. "Someone's copying me." A triumphant grin crossed your face when his posture stiffened and his jaw clenched. "You know, it's actually sweet—how much time you've spent on me."

"What do you know about them?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit." His reply was fast. Almost like he was anticipating you to not know. Soft knocks came from the one-sided mirror and you smirked to yourself and looked down at your cuffed hands.

Spencer stayed for a moment, his eyes locked on you, tracing the way your hair framed your face and the way your hands were interlocked—probably for comfortability due to the cuffs.

You watched as he left the room, the hard close of the door echoed within the small space. You couldn't hear or see anything. You looked at the mirror and cocked your head to one side. You could feel their eyes on you. Probably Spencer—most likely Spencer, the blonde from your arrest with the hard look on her face, hopefully the tall brunette who spoke like she narrates Dateline.

It seemed like they were making you sweat, though for reasons unbeknownst to you. It was a few minutes later that Spencer entered again, flinging open the door with brutal force.

Confusion graced your features as he rushed to you, his hands slamming down on the metal table. "You're calm."

Your shoulders stiffened at the loud sound. "I have nothing to worry about."

"You knew about the kills."

"I figured it out." You said. He still loomed over you. You could make out the constellation of freckles that ran over his cheeks and his forehead. "I may not be the most horrifying or calculating, but I do have a brain, Spencer."

"No, this is different. You know something we don't."

"I know a lot more than you think, Spencer."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" You could tell he was confident you knew nothing, no true secrets.

"No." You grinned. "I have the power here, Doctor."

"Tell. Me."

"Make. Me."

He rapidly stood up and grabbed her arm, yanking her up from the chair that was bolted into the ground.

He pressed her against the cinderblock wall, his arm resting against her throat as his eyes darkened.

"Spence!" The blonde agent said as she opened the door that had shut earlier. Her blue eyes were wild as she took in the two.

You smirked at him, his arm rested tense against you. "Yeah, Spence."

He stood there for a moment, his eyes and mind focused solely on you. "Go the hell." He spat out.

"You need me."

"We'll figure it out." He said as he turned around and adjusted his brown tweed suit.

You watched as he left. Your jaw clenching together and the ache between your thighs was not satiated.

You looked at him, the candy sticking to your gums. You rolled your eyes, bringing the throw blanket around your legs as you sat, mermaid style, on the couch.

"I bet Penelope doesn't like it." You said.

"Penelope doesn't like any of it, aside from Scary Movie. It's times like this I think to get her drug tested." He added the last bit as more of an afterthought than the major point, but you still smiled.

"Drug tested? Babe, it's Penny, she doesn't do that."

"Don't tell me I need to get you drug tested, too." He said. You laughed and threw candy corn at him from the green bowl on the table. "No, seriously, who even likes that type of candy?"

You stopped mid-grab-for-candy and stared at him. "I have a great taste in candy." He chuckled, which caused you to throw more candy corn at him. "I'm offended."

"Dots and Nerds and candy corn are not the ideal choice in Halloween candy, maybe that's why we get no trick-or-treaters," Aaron said.

You just blinked at him and his assault on your choice of candy.

"I can't be with someone who hates my candy."

"I don't hate it, I'm just judging it."

You laughed. "Even worse!"

"There's nothing wrong with your candy, honey. Statistically, people who choose chewy candy are young and playful, hard candy means they are patient and deliberate in their intentions, and candy corn is up for grabs." Aaron said as he leaned in close to you, smiling.

"Who are you? Reid?" You asked while laughing, leaning closer to him.

Aaron's head fell in laughter. "Way to kill the mood."

"Hey, the mood was already killed when you decided Final Destination was the movie we should watch on Halloween, of all days."

He sighed. "Why don't you want to watch it?"

"It's full of gore, I can't believe you want to watch it, considering your line of work. Also, the blonde in the movie looks oddly like JJ, and seeing what you guys go through monthly, I don't want to see a doppelganger going through it, too." You sighed.

"Come here." Aaron held his arms out for you and you slid over to him and curled into his side. "We don't have to watch Final Destination, we can watch something else."

"Like Halloweentown?" You proposed, looking up at him with hopeful eyes.

"Yes," He chuckled, "like Halloweentown." He kissed your forehead. You grabbed the remote and clicked off the movie, going to search for the new and not-gory flick instead.

taglist! (form here!)

Spencer was insisting that you attend and you could never resist his doe-like brown eyes.

"Spence, I don't like Halloween." You said, your legs in a mermaid position as you sat on the couch, back to the arm rest.

"I know but it's one party and the probability that you get hurt during a party is statistically low considering it's a small party and―" But you cut him off by putting your finger to his lips.

"I'll go."

"But―"

"Spence, this means a lot to you, I have eyes." You sat on your knees now. "And I love you."

His face flushed pink and you smiled before kissing him on his lips softly.

Spencer loved Halloween but he loved you more and knowing your certain... dislike of All Hallow's Eve, he thought nothing of dressing up as a couple from your favorite movie: Halloweentown.

When the movie came out, you first saw it with your friends and fell in love with the whimsical nature of it and how it featured modern-day aspects between the "normal" world and Halloweentown.

He had seen the movie countless times since you first started dating and has come to your townhouse and have walked in on you watching it more than once. He knew there was no better couple to go as than Marnie and Luke.

He schemed with JJ, who is going as Frankenstein's bride with Will as Frankenstein, in the midst of working on paperwork.

"Halloweentown?" JJ questioned, flicking through photos of crime scenes.

"Yes, it's this Halloween movie that she likes." Spencer said, his eyes lighting up as he talked about you.

"I thought she didn't like Halloween?"

"She doesn't but―"

"Then why is she watching Halloween movies?"

"Because she likes the spirit―"

"So she likes Halloween?"

"No―"

"But she's going to Penelope's Halloween Party?" JJ asked. By now, her legs were crossed as she leaned against her desk, the files long forgotten.

"Yes. She wants to and we're dressing up as Marnie and Luke from Halloweentown."

JJ nodded. "Uh huh." She clapped her hands on her legs. "I think I need some coffee. Want some?"

"Yeah." Spencer nodded, turning back to the paperwork he was originally filling out, biting on the inside of his cheek in deep thought.

What if you didn't like the costumes? What if you secretly hated him and lied to him? What if―no, he can't think like that.

He surprised you the weekend before Halloween.

"What if we went as them?" He asked as you curled into his side while watching the movie you oh-so loved.

You looked up at him. "What?"

"Marnie and Luke."

"To Penelope's party?"

"Well, y-yeah, I mean, if you want to...?" He said, his rapid blinking and slight stutter made you smile.

"Are you sure you wouldn't want to go as someone from Doctor Who? I know you've been eyeing stuff like that."

Spencer's cheeks grew pink. "W-well, I know you might not like that and I figured that since I'm dragging you to Penelope's party that you'd want to talk about―"

You cut him off with a kiss. "I'd like that, Spence."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

You still hated going to the party no matter the costume. Even if you were dressed as Spider-Man and Gwen Stacy or a doctor from Doctor Who, you still hated Halloween and the parties that went with it. You wanted nothing more than to just curl up on your couch with a blanket draped over you, eating candy corn till you grew sick of it.

"I know I said I'll go but do I really have to?" You said as you and Spencer left the train platform.

He laughed. "Yes, you have to go."

You chuckled slightly, putting your phone in your red cross-body bag, one that went with your outfit. Spencer got his hair all curly and crazy, attempting Luke's crazy hair from when he was a warlock.

As you guys walked through D.C., you admired the decorations that didn't cater directly to Halloween. You saw the skeleton bones and the witch blow ups and a part of you reminisced from your childhood.

Finally, you arrived to Penelope's apartment door. The cold air was biting and you pulled your black jacket closer around your red dress.

"We're here!" Spencer announced while opening the door.

"Begrudgingly." You said under your breath, earning a slight elbow from your boyfriend.

"You're here!" You heard a gasp and a shrill exclamation before being engulfed in a hug.

"Hi Penny." You said.

She pulled back and looked at yours and Spencer's costumes up and down. "It's supposed to be a Halloween party."

"We're dressed up." Spencer said, his voice whining a little.

"Luke and Marnie from Halloweentown."

Penny nodded with a confused look in her eyes and you knew then that you definitely hated Halloween and parties.... and both.

taglist! (form here!)

The nurse nodded her head. "She is alive but unfortunately, she is in a coma due to injuries sustained in the accident. We'll know more once she wakes up."

Spencer swallowed thickly, his throat feeling like it was going to close in. "Can I see her?"

The nurse nodded and led him to your hospital room where you laid flat on your back, wrapped in a thin cotton blanket with an oxygen mask over your face. Spencer brought a hand to cover his mouth as he looked at your state, the beeping of the machine grounding him.

He moved over by your side and grabbed your hand. It was cold but not as nearly as cold as it would've been had you died. You were alive.

Two weeks passed and you had finally start to wake up.

You groaned as your eyes adjusted to the fluorescent lights that hung above you. You didn't know where you were or how you got there. Your arms and legs felt tingly as you tried to move them. You lifted your hand and saw all the wires and tubes plugging into it and your eyebrows furrowed. "What...?" Your voice surprised you--it was all scratchy and hoarse.

You moved your head to the other side of the room and saw that your door was open into a hallway with more lights. Looking up, you saw a button next to your head and could barley make out the words. CALL NURSE.

You lifted your right arm and winced at the pins and needles feeling. It felt so heavy. You weakly pressed the button and a few minutes later a nurse arrived in your room.

"Miss Y/L/N?" She said, poking her head into the room. She saw that you were awake and quickly made her way to your bedside, bringing the stethoscope from around her neck to her ears and your chest. "My name is Nurse Lee. Do you know where you are?"

You sighed, the scent of bleach and ammonia flooding your nostrils. "A... a hospital." Your voice was still raspy. You needed something to drink to quench your thirst.

The nurse smiled. "Very good. I'm going to get the doctor, okay?" You nodded your head, your eyes felt heavy so you closed them.

sometimes, you look the same, just like you did before the accident

You looked around the apartment, noticing how some of the paint is chipped (specifically near the corners where you and Spencer accidentally would scrape the furniture against the walls when you decided to redo the layout). You saw the leather couch and the dark green armchair in front of a wide double window. Sunlight.

Sunlight means happy things, waking up from a coma is a happy thing. It's been a couple weeks since you've woken up. The doctors kept you at the hospital to observe you and had called your emergency contact, who happened to be the same contact that was at the hospital the night of your accident (so you were told)--Spencer Reid.

"You can sit down." Spencer said, his voice scaring you a little bit as you hadn't notice him come back into the room.

"Oh, right." You said, making your way to the couch. Your skin brushed the brown leather and you felt the softness of a wool blanket behind you. You turn around and grab it off the back of the couch, bringing it over your legs. The fabric felt nice, homey.

when you're staring into space... it's hard to believe you don't remember it

You and Spencer were browsing the aisles of the furniture store. You had already bought (basically) everything you need but you insisted that you needed blankets and pillows to make the rooms of your shared apartment more homey.

"What about this one?" Spencer asked as the both of you looked for throw blankets.

You glanced over at the one he was holding. "I don't like the color."

"The color?" Spencer asked.

"It's too... beige."

"It's brown." He said plainly.

You looked at him, a sympathetic expression on your face. "Spencer, honey, we already have a brown couch, we can't have a brown blanket to go over the couch."

Spencer's face screwed up in confusion. "Says who?"

"Me." You smirked, laughing at the look on his face afterwards. You trifled through the blanket selections before holding out a mustard-y color blanket. "Hm?"

Spencer looked over at the one you held out. "We don't live in a hot dog, Y/N. A blanket shouldn't be that color."

"It's a nice color. Plus it's made from polyester."

"Did you know that polyester is a major contributor to microplastics and the destruction of the environment. It takes two hundred years for it to decompose which is bad considering how much the environment is already suffering from oils being dumped into oceans and plastics being the causer of sea turtle deaths." Spencer said, grabbing a green blanket.

"Oh." You said, putting the blanket down and heading over towards Spencer. You looked at the green blanket he was holding. “Do you like that one?”

“Yeah.” Spencer said, letting you feel the blanket. “Wool is one of the oldest fabric materials and has been used to make clothes since the Stone Age. It helps reduce odor, it’s biodegradable, and renewable.”

“Sounds perfect to me, Spence.” You smiled at him, both of you touching the green wool blanket.

but i told you, even then you looked so pretty in a hospital bed

Spencer ran into the hospital where you were. He ran to the front desk. “Y/N Y/L/N?”

The nurse at the desk pointed him in the direction of your room and he sprinted down the hallway. He got to your room and looked at your form. You were awake! You were poking at the red jello like it was some foreign object and Spencer almost laughed out loud at how much you seemed like yourself. He thought you to be the prettiest person alive, even poking at red jello.

"Y/N." Spencer breathed out. You looked up, startled by his presence and you cocked your head. Spencer took a step forward. "I.. you're alive!"

You continued to stare at the tall brunette with your eyebrows furrowed. "I-Im sorry but... do I know you?"

you pieced it all together on the drive

You looked up once you saw the man approach you to give you a mug. "Thank you...?"

"Spencer." He filled in for you. "It's tea, by the way. Chamomile."

You gave a tight-lipped smile and took a sip of the tea, relishing in the warmth it provided. "I like chamomile tea." You said. The doctors had told you that you had suffered memory loss and couldn't remember the last few years of your life. You couldn't remember the last few years where you've known Spencer.

"The doctors said that if you're around what's foreign and what you're used to, your memory might come back faster. You told me that you've always liked chamomile tea and I thought it would be familiar to you." Spencer rambled.

"It-it is." You smiled. "Thank you, Spencer."

and i know you don't remember calling me

Hours had passed after you drank the chamomile tea that you always had loved, and now you were feeling tired. Spencer had excused himself earlier because something came up with a case and you decided to get some rest. You rested your head on the arm rest of the couch and pulled the green blanket over you.

When Spencer came back, he didn’t see you until he saw your clothed feet peeking out from on top of the other arm rest. He smiled softly and went to go fashion himself a glass of water but stopped as he heard you mumble.

“Spencer.” You mumbled faintly. If the apartment hadn’t been as quiet as it was, he wouldn’t have heard it. He slowly turned around and crept towards you, wondering if you were truly calling his name. “Spencer.” You whispered again, your brows furrowing.

He was a foot away from the bed and saw your form. He thought you looked beautiful tucked into the blanket with your hair sprawled out but your face held an expression he could mistake for discomfort.

Your hands twitched and he quickly grabbed them. “I-I’m here.” He murmured. Your hands slowly stopped twitching and he used his free hand to smooth over your eyebrows, causing them to relax. “I’m here.”

You woke up sometime later, Spencer was reading a book on the arm chair, a glass of water beside him. “Hey,” you heard a voice and looked over at Spencer, his brown doe eyes staring into yours. “you’re awake.”

You gave a small smile. “Yeah, that tea knocked me out.”

“That’s good.” He said, a small smile gracing his lips as he stared at you. “Um, it’s good to sleep, I mean.” He stammered before looking back at the nonsense of words on his book pages. “It’s good to sleep after being in a coma, especially since you can’t remember because sleep is actually apart of the… the recovery process.” He blinked wildly, his hands fidgeting with the corners of the yellowed pages. “Speaking of, do you.. uh, do you remember what you were dreaming of?”

You just blinked at him, the information he was spouting was a lot for your sleep-addled brain. “Uhm, no, no I don’t remember.”

Spencer’s eyes almost seemed to be disappointed at the news that you didn’t remember calling him out but you couldn’t tell. “Oh.”

what if it happened to you on a different day?

Months had passed by now and your memory was coming back in bits and pieces. Moments of you and Spencer’s shared life—of your happy life—would come back. Like moving in together, watching his favorite Russian films, and talking about authors. But a lingering question kept you up at night when you would be lying in his bed: what if it happened to you on a different day?

Spencer has been really polite and sleeping on the couch, letting you dream and overthink. What if the car had gone over a bridge where there wasn’t a rail in the way instead of an intersection? Or what if you turned down a street going over the speed limit and there were kids playing? Or over the side of a mountain through snow or rain? What if Spencer was with you and he lost his life? What if you had kids and they were in the backseat?

What if you had driven so far that no one would know where you are and you died? But maybe… maybe if you’d been happier, this wouldn’t have happened. Of course, you can’t remember not being happy with Spencer yet.

The feeling of your heartbeat going a mile a minute while feeling encompassed by the sheets was erratic. You’re alive, you’re alive, you’re alive.

Being alive is all that matters now. In due time, you will heal and be normal with Spencer.

In due time.

taglist! (form here!)

“Who is this?” You heard. You looked up and found a dark man leaning against the desk in front of yours.

You smiled. “Hi, I’m Y/N Jareau.” You said, moving to the side of your desk, sticking your hand out.

“Morgan. Derek Morgan.” He said, shaking your hand while maintaining eye contact.

“Another victim?” A brunette says as you sit back down at your desk. She looked at Derek with her eyes raised as she sat at the desk next to his. She looked at you. “I’m sorry for him, he can’t seem to take a hint that some people just don’t want to be bothered. I’m Elle.”

“Y/N Jareau.” You smiled. "You guys worked the case for the Footpath Killer, right?"

"Yeah we did, why?" Elle says, leaning back in her chair.

"Well why did he stutter? I read up on the case because it was the most recent one you guys have done but no where does it say why he stuttered."

Derek sighed. "We've all asked Gideon but he just won't say."

"He wants us to figure it out." A new voice said. You turned around and saw a man around your age, perhaps a year older. He looked up and saw you. "Uh, Doctor Spencer Reid."

You smiled as he took the desk next you. "Y/N Jareau."

Elle's eyes darted between the two of you. She was a profile and never missed a beat on anything, especially how Spencer started to rub his hands nervously against his slacks like they [his hands] were sweaty all of a sudden. "I'm up for a challenge."

"Good, because these go to you." You heard a familiar voice ring out. You stopped looking at the shy brunette in front of you and turned to your blonde sister, who was placing files on Elle's desk. "Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, JJ if you'd like." She smiled.

"Jareau?" Elle questioned, shaking JJ's hand.

"My sister." You said, looking at her adoringly.

i have never been satisfied

It's been eight years since you and your sister met the BAU and you wouldn't change any of it for the world. Your sister was crashing with you at your apartment because her and Will were going through a divorce.

"Y/N?" She asked as you also spoke her name. You both laughed. "I need to tell you something."

"I also need to tell you something." You said with a small smile on your face.

"On three?" She asked. When you both were younger, you would speak what you wanted to talk about at the same time if you both wanted to tell each other something at the same time.

1...

2...

3...!

"I think I'm in--" You started to speak but your sister was faster.

"I think I like Spencer."

Oh.

"He's just so cute and smart." JJ gushed. "He's got me helpless and I've never felt this way about anyone besides Will and I think it's time to move on from him. I'll still have Henry and I'll always love Will in someplace in my heart but I think the rest of it is meant for Spencer." She rambled.

Oh.

"Anyways, what were you going to say?"

You struggled to find words as you shook your head. "I forgot."

if i tell her that i love him she'd be silently resigned

"JJ... there's something I need to tell you." You said as you approached her. It was Rossi's fourth wedding to his third wife and you noticed the longing glances between Spencer and your sister. But only Penelope noticed your glances towards Spencer.

"Yeah?" She asked.

You wondered if this would change your entire relationship between you and your sister. Would she spill to Spencer? Would Spencer hate you? Would she hate you?

"It's really important." You whispered.

She pulled you by your elbow into a secluded corner. "What's wrong?" She said, concern etching itself into her forehead.

"I... I'm in love with Spencer." JJ's face fell.

"What?" Her tone was one of the betrayed sister but she had no reason to feel betrayed, right? You met him first and you were going to tell her that you were in love with him seven years ago so in reality, she betrayed you...? Her hands left your arms and she backed up into the wall, the smallest step told you everything you needed to know. "How long have you loved him?"

"Since... ever, I guess? I was going to tell you but then you told me that you loved him before I could even get the words out and now with the whole pawn shop ordeal I..." You trailed off.

JJ's eyes widened. "Y/N, I told you that seven years ago... you've loved him for at least that?"

"Yeah." You sighed.

"What is it, Y/N?" You snapped out of your daydream, seeing JJ's hand wave in front of your face. "You zoned out, are you okay?"

You decided then and there that telling her, would be a terrible idea and you would never be satisfied no matter what. "I... Roz's birthday is soon and mom wanted to know if we wanted to go back to Pennsylvania to spend the weekend."

"I'll... talk to mom about it." She breathed out.

"Okay." You gave a slight smile before turning and walking away to the open bar. You needed a drink.

at least my dear eliza's his wife; at least i keep his eyes in my life

After taking a sip from your champagne flute, your eyes met with Spencer's hazel ones and you knew then and there that he will never be satisfied, or more importantly: you will never be satisfied.

taglist! (form here!)

"Better this way? Y/N, I-I thought we were getting better..!" He stammered, searching through the files of his mind to see where he went wrong, where he messed up.

But he didn't mess up.

remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light

Sunlight peered through the room. Sunlight. The sun usually means happy things, like birthday parties, or college acceptance letters, not break ups.

Break ups are reserved for storm clouds and thunder. That's what you contemplate while sitting in the corner in the dark. You don't break up with someone during the day, you do it during a storm so you can have a passionate "don't leave me" kiss while getting drenched to the bone.

do i throw out everything we built or keep it?

"We end up back where we started. We always do, Spencer." You said. You had contemplated staying with him but it wasn't working. You were trying to be happy--happy for Spencer. But no matter how hard you tried or how hard you thought about Spencer, you just weren't happy anymore. You were getting tired, rising from the metaphorical ashes and mending all of your emotional gashes.

you might just have dealt the final blow

"No, no this time...." Spencer trailed off, mouth parting. "It was working, we were working!" His heartbroken gaze pierced through you and you couldn't help but feel like you were making a mistake of a lifetime.

"Stop." You whispered, breaking your gaze away from his. "You're losing me, Spencer."

Several beats of silence passed between you two before Spencer whispered the unfathomable words: "Why?"

Your breath hitched as you paused, trying to find the reasons why you were doing what you were doing.

"I woke up angry every morning, Spencer. I was angry at the world, my parents.., you." You scoffed. "I mean, how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying?"

Spencer stayed silent at the rhetorical question, focusing on his hands instead.

You continued. "I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick. My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick."

"You were that unhappy?" Spencer asked.

"Unhappy? Spencer, I was miserable!" You exclaimed. "My pain was always such an imposition, wasn't it?"

Spencer's eyebrows furrowed. "An imposition? Y/N, what? No matter what happened or happens, I will always be by your side."

You shook your head. "No, no, Spencer. I am sick! I am not okay and you can't see that! I can't be with you anymore. I can't..." You hiccupped at tears started falling down your face. You shook your head as you looked at your feet. "I can't. I just can't anymore!"

You got up quicker than Spencer could register and ran past him on the couch towards the door. You grabbed your keys and ran. You ran down the hallway, tears clouding your sight. You needed to get out of there--out of here. Leave. Leave. Leave.

and you know what they all say: you don't know what you got until it's gone

Spencer stood up from the couch and turned to face the door but you were already gone and so were your keys. Spencer had let stray tears fall down his face. He knew something was going on but he figured you would tell him. But you bottled it up, you've always had. Spencer recounted the moments in his head, replaying your hurtful words.

"Stop." You whispered, breaking your gaze away from his. "You're losing me, Spencer."

how long could we be a sad song

Just drive. You had to drive. You need to get out of there--have to. You ran down the flight of stairs that led to Spencer's apartment, your hand ghosting down the old wooden banister. You stormed out of the entrance, feeling a headache emerge at the sudden light caused by the beautiful day outside.

You clicked your keys, listening for the faint beep of your car. You ran towards your car and swung open the drivers side of the door. You knew you weren't fit to drive, not in this state. But the thing was, you didn't care.

You reversed out of the parking space and zoomed out of the parking lot knowing that Spencer could be watching you from his thin windows or even chasing after you but you didn't care. You weren't happy anymore and that was more important.

You were going well over the speed limit, you knew that. You drove to the apartment millions of times to know what the speed limit was but you didn't care.

Even if it meant what the phone call Spencer Reid would get only ten minutes after you left his apartment.

'til we were too far gone to bring back to life?

Spencer sat with his hands clasped together, laying on his knees as he waited for the doctor to come out with news that you were okay. Better, even.

When you arrived to the hospital you were in critical condition and was put in for emergency surgery. The doctors didn't have high hopes for you and neither did Spencer, truth be told.

Spencer looked up as he heard the surgical doors swing open and your doctor came out. But despite Spencer's optimistic thinking, the doctor looked solemn. Spencer quickly stood up.

Before the doctor could get a word out, the world Spencer had built, had fallen. The world you and Spencer had built was gone.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Dr. Reid."

Spencer collapsed on his knees in the waiting room. It was probably unethical to be so emotional in a hospital waiting room but he wasn't at work nor was he on the job and if anyone had a problem with him expressing his heartbroken-ness for his exgirlfriend, they can go to hell.

i can't find a pulse; my heart won't start anymore

taglist! (form here!)

"Thanks." You said softly, your cheeks pinkening slightly. Spencer gave a tight lipped smile, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Despite the fact that you two were already dating, butterflies still erupted in your stomach every time Spencer was around you.

how you'd kiss me when i was in the middle of saying something

The first time Spencer kissed you was memorable for both of you, especially Spencer considering he has an eidetic memory.

"Do you ever think that if we weren't in the FBI, we wouldn't have to go through things like this?" You said, sitting on Spencer's hospital bed as he laid upright with a large bandage on his neck. He had gotten shot in the neck during a shootout with an Unsub and almost died if it weren't for Alex, who was next to him and got him to cover and aided him.

"Y/N..." He said but you cut him off, rambling.

"You got hit in the neck, Spence! A stupid bullet proof vest doesn't cover the neck! It barely does anything to the torso, I mean, Derek has welts for days--days!"

"Y/N--"

"No, you need to listen! You're smart enough to get an amazing job somewhere like CalTech or MIT, hell, even Harvard! You can't spread your knowledge if you're dead, Spence. I--" But that time it had been Spencer who had cut you off. He silenced you by bringing his hands up to cup your face and lean in.

You were taken completely by surprise as Spencer's lips molded to yours like puzzle pieces. Closing your eyes, you leant into his grip as he pulled away.

Spencer wouldn't meet your eyes--couldn't. He had a furious blush dusting his cheeks as he noticed the different fibers in the cotton blanket wrapped around his legs.

"Spence..." You said, lips parting in shock at the fact that your sweet, loveable, goofy, geeky best friend just kissed you!

But he took your shock for something else. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.." He said shyly.

You had no words and only brought your lips to his. This time, he was taken aback but came to his senses and kissed you back.

there's not a day i don't miss those rude interruptions

and i'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

Now you sat on your bathroom floor, leaning against the wall in one of Spencer's old CalTech shirts. Your eyes were red and cheeks were puffy and tear-stained. You sat, thinking about the memories that you and Spencer shared, some in that very bathroom... your bedroom... kitchen... on sidewalks and watching Doctor Who movies (that you didn't quite understand) on the couch.

A ding from your cellphone lifted you from your daydream. It was Penelope.

your name, forever the name on my lips

You wanted to say his name. You wanted to be able to sit next to him on the jet and listen to him ramble about Dante or the Bronte sisters but you couldn't, not like how you used to.

You wanted to be able to lean against his desk and talk about profiles and try to figure out who was behind what, but you couldn't. Not anymore. You couldn't even look at the new arrangement of photos on his desk. He had a new life to look at now that you weren't there. Sometimes, you would occasionally pass his desk and see his life in pictures, remembering when you would watch him sleep and see how peaceful he looked. Now another girl will be able to do that.

He has another girl to recreate your memories. You wonder if he's forgotten you already.

and i'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

and i hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day

Spencer got up early today. He was supposed to meet Max at the park so they could talk. Too bad it was such a beautiful day for such a sad topic of conversation.

and something reminds you: you wish you had stayed

He glanced around his room. When you and Spencer first moved in together, it was in your apartment and he had rented his out. It felt strange to him, living with someone else in an unfamiliar place but he settled into it. Now, he had to settle back into being alone. You weren't there in his bed, snuggling into his side, groaning about how early it was. You weren't there to listen to him rant about the inaccuracies to several Sci-Fi shows. You weren't there.

But Max was.

taglist! (form here!)