diosa satisfecha

My mind overflows with all the ways you could love me, the ways I would feel it. So intimately bonded with someone, yet so misunderstood. How do I let myself get here? To give and give, and give, and make space, and listen, and understand, and make more space, and make excuses for, and... and....

enough.

It's my turn. I'll hold out for someone to hold me. Someone who wants to make space and excuses and love for me. I'm tired of giving of myself. I'm tired of realizing it when I'm already in. I'm tired of holding all your baggage to the point that there's no room for me. I want to speak and be heard. I want to act foolish and be held accountable... and held, just held. I want someone to make decisions with me in mind and think of how they can intertwine with my life.

I'm back. Funny to find myself here after all these years.

It's always monumental grief or longing that brings me here needing to expel some physical expression of the intense dreaming in my head. Today is no exception.

I'm am shook, beaten.... bewildered at your mindlessness. A love that started so serendipitously, like Redwoods falling to one another in a forest; you treat it like something you can wrap into a sweet little box and set aside. The problem is that your monsters are shaking the box. They are pushing it off the counter, from the inside.

For an apology, I am grateful. The first that felt like a realization of what went on between us. But you're still missing it. Yes, you are going to therapy. Yes, you are facing the demons in you, birthed from cheating and divorce. Yes, you are being a single father and hopefully, committing your time and focus to that.

How you speak to the woman you loved as if you can stave off heartbreak, though? You are a fool and it is far too late.

I was in it with you - in your midst, in your bed, in your family, and your days, and your woes, and your celebrations! You fool, I was ready to take it all on with you! I want to scream at you! I saw it before you did and I spoke to it; the storm was on the horizon and I was on watch. The ship has fucking capsized and now I'm swimming in an ocean miles away from you; don't you dare send a message in a bottle that the storm is coming.

I didn't think you had it in you, to hurt me like this. And I didn't think I had it in me, to walk away and make up my mind without your reaction, but we don't find new results in the same old actions and I am tired of taking action. Your inaction speaks volumes and it's time I listen. You're saying everything I need to hear and you haven't even opened your mouth.