Intoxicating Hope

Since I’ve graduated high school a whopping seven years ago. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve had my issues. I’ve hurt people I’ve loved, I’ve hurt myself, I’ve hurt people who have given me way too many chances. I feel like, at times, I try so hard to be someone I want to be. I try to be cool, and attractive, and likebale. I try to be smart with money, and successful. And push for things I want. To advocate a successful life. To make those around me happy.

But I make mistakes. Often failing at what I originally set out to do. I made someone who cared so goddamn much about me unable to stand me. I’ve been unable to save a goddamn penny in my adult life. Spending on all sorts of stupid shit. Using excuse after excuse to buy things I don’t need. Things I want in the moment, and then didn’t want. Things that just take up space. I want to get rid of it all. I think I will this week.

What I’m saying is, I’m a piece of shit. I’m a piece of human garbage who fails so often and so hard, that I can even bring down others around me. I hate who I am. I hate that I can’t be who I set out to be. I hate that I am such a fucking piece of shit. I hate that I find myself in the same goddamn trap I found myself in years ago. I hate that I’m in debt. I hate that I’m not loved. I hate that I don’t feel like I deserve love. But I want to be loved and cared for. I want to be accepted for my mistakes, and know that I can change.

I want people I can open up to. I don’t want to be told “if you had been first”. That’s not why I’m friends with you, that’s not why we hangout and do things. I moved on, and I don’t want things to ever open up again, because I’m happy where we’re at.

I need someone who will listen to me. I want someone who cares, who doesn’t give a shit that I’m a fuckup, but believes in me. Because it so goddamn lonely in here. It’s so lonely in my own head that I don’t have anyone to bounce off of. I’m my own worst enemy. I believe in coming to terms with who you are, and that only you can change yourself. I’ve made huge steps, but at the same time I beat myself into a mental breakdown so often.

The only person who will ever get to decide when this ends is me- and without someone to talk this out with, without someone to open up to, with friends who only get the ideal me I try to project and be for the last two years, to be as “happy” and “outward” as I can fake for others. The only person who ever gets to pull the trigger, the only who will take me out of this life, is me.