❝ everything's coming up hummel ! ❞

It would have been a lot worse if they’d been making midnight margaritas in the nude. Whatever money you’ve saved would have gone straight to a therapist.

Worst it is, Kinky Boots.

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That’s exactly what I’m afraid of . I’ve started announcing my entrance into every room as a precautionary measure. 

Alright people, you know what day it is: Thirsty Thursday. So tell me where I should be bothered to show my face and I’ll consider whether or not it’s actually worth it. Bonus point if you can point me to the cheer squad so your girl can get more information about tryouts.

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Well, I would venture to guess that you can follow the high ponies and red pleated skirts down to the gymnasium for that information.  

I didn’t sign up for a math class this semester for a reason, kiddo, but I’m glad my friends and I could provide a fond memory for you to look back on. 

What can I say? I’m a reformed bad boy. Skipped the 12 Steps, though, cause organized do good-ing is kinda gay. (Before you get all pissy, that’s a compliment.) But, since you’re here now, I’ll apologize. I’m sorry for making your life a living hell for a few years, and I hope you’re one of those weird gay guys that gets off on bullying, so the attention gave you solid spank material throughout your teen years. That good enough to make amends, or do you need flowers too? 

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Excuse me if I find it hard to believe that the guy who still buys a bag of Doritos and Arizona every morning for breakfast has even remotely grown up. 

;; * { SELF PARA -- & YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT ! }

summary ;

After searching high and low for the perfect song , Kurt auditions for glee club with a selection from Everyone’s Talking About Jamie .

Obviously. Frannie Fabray. Older and wiser sister of Quinn Fabray. Senior, interior design and pretty much the queen of this place. I think we’ll become really good friends. Especially from the sense of style I see that you have that many people around here lack.

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Ah , a woman of taste -- Yes, I do think we’ll get along swimmingly . I like to think of myself as an amature interior designer though having a second, more scholarly opinion on my current project might actually prove to be quite useful . 

Auntie Tana here with a quick PSA. Dorms have thin walls, which means I can hear you crying to Evanescence’s My Immortal like a bizarre emo ghost from 2004. You know who you are.

And to whoever’s been spending the night at the dungeon of questionable delights across the hall… I guarantee she’s faking it.

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That sounds horrifying . . . but at least you’re not stuck living at home with your parents . Finding my dad and his lady friend making midnight margaritas in nothing but robes is seriously making me reconsider if the money I’m saving is even really worth it .

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You found oysters too? This is more of a problem than I thought. Maybe we should put in a complaint or something? Yeah, I’ll take the airdrop. I don’t think i could even try it in these kitchens, but maybe at home if it’s not super hard. 

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. . . It’s an expression . Though if multiple students put in a complaint then they would have to take into consideration and hopefully actually respond to my previous suggestions of adding totts to the menu .

Ay, I remember the furniture bit! But I’m like 99% sure I did that to a chick. The person screaming at my truck when we all sped off was definitely a lady. 

The rest isn’t really ringin’ any bells, but I gotta admit I was either stoned, or in the case of math class, asleep in the nurse’s office for most of high school. Glad I made an impression, though. I know you gay guys love being able to pull out the tragic backstory when you get all famous for singing or ugly clothes or whatever, so I’m just happy I could do my part in making that a reality for ya. 

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Do you know how many drunk middle men in wife beaters it takes to remove lawn furniture from a roof ? I do , the answer is four . One to hold the ladder and one to call an ambulance -- one of my dad’s friends broke his leg. Oh, and one to finish the job . What a fun summer memory .

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Dude, I didn’t know we had ostriches in Ohio. Did they break out of the zoo or something? Either way, that’s really weird and kinda gross. I don’t think I’ve ever had a quiche but it’s gotta be better than eating feathers. 

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You don’t have to live by the ocean to get oysters , Finn , but either way I don’t trust however it got in there . If there’s one thing I know , it’s how to make the perfect light brunch cuisine . I’ll airdrop you the recipe after class if you want to try it out .

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That is incredibly unsurprising. Those options sound…dismal, to say the least. If it wasn’t for Dalton’s prestigious medical program, believe me, I wouldn’t be caught dead here.

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Well , so long as you hideout on the Dalton Campus , you should be able to retain your sanity . The school is amazing , I toured it when I considered enrolling but it’s crazy expensive . Tell me what it’s like -- I heard the school’s water supply is directly sourced from Voss .

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I dunno what you mean by that, but I gotta admit I’m pretty high right now, so that’s probably why I’m not getting your references and shit. 

How’d you know about me goin’ to juvie? You been stalking me, twinkle toes? ‘Cause that shit’s creepy. 

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You’re joking , right ?

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Haha, you’re so funny, but you got your facts all twisted. Everyone knows alcoholics live to be in their hundreds. By the time I need a new kidney, doctors’ll be able to grow that shit in a test tube. Science, man. 

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And it looks like all that all those visits with The Chronic Lady have already gotten to your brain cells ... I swear , how I ended up stuck in the same school as Mr. Jailhouse Rock will haunt me for the rest of my life .

I’m sorry, have you met me? I don’t have mommy or daddy issues. I simply don’t care for either one of them even if they had a billion dollars. I don’t like ponies. I prefer horses that have an actual stable.

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I don’t believe I have . Kurt Hummel -- sophomore , fashion major & performance minor , countertenor . And you are ? 

I don’t get why everyone’s always gotta use “Sunday” as an excuse to puss-out on partying. Like, who the fuck cares if you have 8 AM Biology tomorrow, how’s that my fault? If you’re dumb enough to sign up for Monday morning classes, you should be dumb enough to do a keg stand on the Lord’s day, y’know what I’m saying? We only got so many years of binge drinking before our bodies start to wimp out on us, we gotta use ‘em while we can!

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Wow . With drinking habits like that . . . I hope you have a big family willing to donate a spare kidney . By the sound of it , you’ll probably want to stake a claim before you graduate .

Anybody wanna take bets on if the dining hall food’s gonna be better than last year? On the one hand, that lady who used to make the spaghetti thing on Thursdays was awesome, but that salad bar thing was a lot, so I think it could go either way.`

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Personally , I don’t trust the food at the school . I once found a feather in the mystery meat . . . an ostrich feather . I don’t know what concerns me more , the fact they’re an endangered species or that was the most money I ever paid for a single feather . Anyway , that is why I’ve started to each lunch with my dad at his tire shop , you can’t go wrong with a homemade spinach and feta quiche .

Now that I’ve moved in and have my schedule sorted, is there anything fun to do around here? I didn’t realize when I accepted my college offer that I’d be living in the middle of nowhere for the next four years. They should’ve made that clear in the brochures. 

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Well , the male demographic around here seems particularly keen on cow tipping and bumming it outside the 7/11 trying to convince people to buy them beer if that’s what you’re into . Otherwise , there’s a roller rink and bowling alley that hosts mediocre 80′s themed karaoke every once in a while . Though why anyone would want to attend a school in Ohio out of their own free volition is beyond me . 

It feels so good to be back home. Just like I never left except for the parents. They can’t seem to leave me alone; with them being divorced and all, I’m supposed to choose sides? No thanks. Serves you both right for ignoring me all of those years. What do they say about karma? Anyway, how is everyone else doing tonight?

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Sounds like someone has some deep mommy and daddy issues . If I were you , I’d suck them dry for all they’re worth -- monetarily . Who knows , maybe you’ll get that pony you always dreamed of .