Just A Snowman In Florida

It’s days and weeks like this that get me

Where I have nothing to do

But sit with my brain

And sit with the hurt you left with me

It’s days like these that I wish I could forget you

Forget the silly responses you would say

Forget the tik toks you’d send

Forget the way it used to feel to be held by you

And I could sit here and hope to see you again

And hope to never see you again

And hope that the sink hole that has healed to a pot hole in my heart will eventually be whole again and not a hole at all

And I can hope

And wish

And pray

And cry

But I can also pick myself up off the ground

And keep going

I can also choose to move on

I can also choose to love myself

To give myself the care and effort and attention that I begged and begged and begged from you

And although it’s so frustrating

Still feeling these feelings

It’s better to let the waves wash over me

Because clear waters will come again

For me to coast and wade in

So even though the storm has passed

The rip currents threaten to pull me out to sea

Pull me out to you again

But I won’t go

I’ll swim along the shore

And swim out of the hold that is you

And swim to me

And I know that’s bad, and it’s wrong

But it doesn’t change how I feel

How I want to at least hear from him

How I wanna know whether or not he still cares

And I know it’s futile

I’m just beating a dead horse

When really, I should just let dead dogs lie

I can’t keep choosing someone who never even chose me in the first place

So today,

I’ll choose me

I’ll stop treating that like it’s a choice that I made a month ago over text message

After I tried and tried to get him to meet me in person

After I tried to communicate the issues

After I realized I was hoping bronze would turn into gold

Like I was some medieval alchemist

No, today?

And every day after

No matter how hard it is

No matter how much I wanna go back

To being comfortable

And not having to think about my issues

And having him as an escape

Today, I’ll choose me

I’ll choose what I truly want

I no longer am the woman who abandons herself

For breadcrumbs from a man

And though it’ll be hard

And though it hurts

And though I just wanna be held and loved

I’ll still choose me

Because if I do meet another in the future

He’ll be happy that I did

But I’m not choosing me for him

I’m choosing me because I’m the only constant in my life

Unless I’m dead, I’m the only one I can truly rely on

So I will make do with my skin

Which houses my muscles

Which attaches to my bones

Which makes up my ribs

Which protects my heart

I’ll make do with me

Even though as I write this, at 2:30 am, it technically is tomorrow

None the less, when the sun is high and in the sky

And when I have someone with me

And when I’ve done my due diligence

To think and ponder my decision

Only then will I pull the plug

Only then will I truly move on

And never let you back into my life again

Only then will I truly start to mourn you

But not as my first love

No, you don’t get that title

Because my first love would’ve known everything about me

I would’ve told them about all my eccentric interests

Without the fear of being called a

loser

Nerd

Weirdo

Goober

No, my first love would’ve called me cute the first time

Not after I pulled my hands from yours at the sushi restaurant

No, my first love would’ve made me feel safe

Not dumb for trying to share my feelings

My first love would’ve already said they loved me

And not wait for me to say it first in the break up message

After I waited and waited for you to come see me for once

Like a dog waits at a shelter for their forever home

You see, my first love would’ve made me think about nothing but the good times

But when I think of you?

I feel empty

So no, I’m not mourning my first love

I’m mourning the man I used to know

The man I thought would be my first love

But who couldn’t step up to the plate

So you might’ve been my first everything else

But you were no where near my first love

That title is reserved for someone who might actually care

Someone who will bring me flowers

Just cause

Someone who will remember our anniversary, despite being forgetful themselves

Someone who will see me as their equal

And not treat me as a part time girlfriend

So yes, when the sun is high

And the clouds are out

And when this side of the world is wide awake…