Kshaunish Soni's College Blog

Just hear me out, this might take a while and it could get convoluted in the middle but just hear me out, please. 

The other night I was not in my better judgment. maybe it was the amount of alcohol I had but at one point that night, I had a disconnect in what was going on in my head and what came out of my mouth. I said some really terrible things and there’s no way I can take it back. You have to live with the knowledge of what I said and I will regret it forever. If I could take it back, I would. You need to know that. I could stop here but you need to know what I actually wanted to say. 

I told you that you were the reason for my sadness. this could not be further from the truth. You light up every room you walk into, with your corny jokes and mom-like attitude. You make everyone you meet so incredibly happy and the world desperately needs more people like you. What I meant to say is that you genuinely confuse me. 

You confuse me because we cope with our problems and our sadness in drastically different ways, yet we have the same problems. were not sad people, just happen to have sad things happen to us, but you internalize and I cry out, and that confuses me. 

You’re someone who should never in your life feel pain yet you do and it kills me to watch. The last time I saw you cry almost killed me. It made me vow to never hurt you, and then I did. and that confuses me.

It confuses me that I’m not madly in love with you. We’re the same person, our best friends are dating, we spend so much time together, yet we aren't into each other. and I actually love that because I don't want to ruin what we have. For the longest time, I’ve longed for a stronger, more emotional connection with an S.O, a fulfilling adult relationship that could fill in the cracks that are my insecurities and help me become a better person. Someone that finally cares about me as much as I care about them. And I have that now, but it’s not in the form a girlfriend, it's you. and that confuses me. 

Now, none of this is your fault, or mine really, it just is. You’re one of the most important people in my life, even though I've only known you for a few months. I can't explain it but we just work, and I love that. sometimes I mess up, and sometimes you do too, but the beauty of us is that I am always willing to be better for your sake, and you are too. 

That ever-present cliche found only to those applying or currently in college. “the college you go to should be your second home, and if it’s not, leave.” It’s like the idea of the one, that perfect person who completes you in every way possible. People who haven’t found their “one” generally don’t believe in that mentality until they stumble upon a cute girl at your local Starbucks or Library and find themselves casually thinking about them all day. People who found their “one” know that it’s true and that it’s in everyone's destiny to find that perfect puzzle piece. 

The same goes for colleges, to an extent. Generally, the college you end up in becomes your second or even first home. You thoroughly enjoy every second on campus, love every person you meet, and care about every class. Your life may not become perfect, everyone has their ups and downs of course, but it was damn near close that first semester. The friends you made in the past 4 months were closer than the friends you've had your whole life. The relationships more serious and fulfilling than ever. Maybe you did well in your classes, got research positions, maybe even a job offer. Your life is finally looking up. That’s when you realize this is the place where you were meant to be. 

But it wasn’t always.

For the past year, the only thought that ever came into your brilliant little head was to get into MIT, the school you have wanted to go to for the past 17 years. Every waking moment, every idea you had, every long day at robotics, every tough morning at swim practice was your way of pushing yourself harder and harder so you could pursue your dream. You came home from school, studied for 8 or 9 hours for the way-too-many AP classes you put yourself through and wrote your MIT essays late into the night because that's just how much you cared. 

The day you got deferred was hard, but it lead to an even harder few months. Bullies seemed to come at you more. Your parents find out about an immensely large part of your life and disagree with it. You get rejected from your safety schools. The people you once called your family suddenly become just members of a robotics team that hates you. The hard work you put for every single club, team, class, activity, company becomes mute. The only good thing that happens those whole 5 months before graduating was getting into Purdue. 

I got rejected from MIT. 

no explanation, no rhyme or reason, but at the same time, it made perfect sense. I was not good enough, but that was ok. I could be good enough, if I just tried harder, made myself better. I blamed my older self, or the immense stress I put on myself over the past year and a half. I had gotten into Purdue and I was going to use that amazing school to get into the best one. 

I committed to Purdue, and just finished my first semester.

And now I’m confused.

Because Purdue really and truly feels like the one. Everything people had told me, and everything I listed earlier, actually happened the second I got onto campus. The school is hard but not too hard, so I can make deans list but work for that 4.0. I made friends instantly, even found people who were more than friends. I experienced things I haven’t before, met people I wouldn’t have met, and overall lived my best life. Sure I had a lot of problems, I got diagnosed with anxiety, I dealt with heartbreak in the worst way, found something that could have turned into love and lost it to what used to be a friend. I had a rough semester but also the best possible semester. I wouldn’t change a single second, and I definitely wouldn’t change the location. But here’s my dilemma. 

I now have the grades and ability to go to a school like Columbia or MIT, pursue Biomedical engineering research in the best labs in the world, and even become a doctor at Columbia and even Harvard. 

But I Don't Want To. 

I'm sure everyone has heard and subsequently hated this show because of how it “romanticizes” suicide - which it does - and it completely unrealistic. I’m not here to tell you otherwise; I want to show you all the beauty of this show and why it is important we have something like this. 

13RW season 1 goes through the story of Clay Jensen, a young and transparent student in high school who listens to tapes left by a girl who committed suicide. With this simple summary, it is obvious that the show was made to spread awareness of Depression, Suicide, and the many side effects and causes of this plague on humanity. The first season uses amazing visuals, soundtracks, and underlying themes in an attempt to accurately describe how suicide affects those around us, and how it can be prevented. Sure there are quite a few flaws with Netflix’s show, literally showing a suicide and multiple rapes being the major problems, 13 Reasons Why brings a clear message home to viewers- be aware. 

I saw a comment on this very website saying that Hannah Baker has a “Princess Complex” and her reasons for suicide are petty. My question to whoever wrote that comment: What if I told you that whatever you or a friend/family member was going through was petty and undermines what “suicide and depression really is?” What does that even mean? Tumblr does an amazing job creating a safe space for people to talk about these issues without being discriminated against, yet millions of people around the world hate on a show trying to do the same thing. Not a single person with depression has the same story as the next. Depression and suicidal thoughts present themselves in many different ways, so it is really impossible to pick one that will “most accurately” depict depression. 

I applaud 13 Reasons Why and the team behind it, especially with what they are doing with season 2. This next season is all about awareness and societal views surrounding suicide, and that is exactly what shows should be talking about. People are now more aware than ever about suicide because they witnessed the emotional trauma someone has to go through to get to that point. I’ve been lucky enough to not have experienced depression, or at least anything that I deem important enough, but I do know people who have been depressed and the themes in 13RW resonated with me and made me want to help more people survive themselves. And with a show as activistic as this, just one life saved is a victory.

Never have I thought life could be so hard. Not a traditional hard, where homework takes over your life and you continually fail your exams. Not a mental hardness, where everything you do mentally destroys you. Not even the hardness I felt when I slipped into depression. This is much worse. 

I have 15 days until I get a decision. And only now is it dawning on me that the decision may not be the one I want. That the decision I want may not be the decision I need. Based off of past experiences, I have a good chance of getting rejected, which can and will destroy me. I also have a good chance of getting in, based on merit and passion. 

Today was a good day in the weirdest way. I succumbed and asked my AP Lit teacher for help in writing so I don't end the year with a B+. The classes that will come with me to MIT are going beautifully, mainly because I am passionate about math and science. As I work with my mentors in robotics, building a good relationship with them, my relationships with the people I thought were my friends crumbles, which kills me. I am the type of person that has to be at least liked by my peers. If people hate me, there is a reason why and that reason can be fixed. But apparently not this time, because if I “fix” myself, I will ruin my relationship with my mentors, and vice versa. 

MIT definitely is my motivation, inspiration, and passion, now more than ever. But lately, I have realized the impossibility of MIT. no one, literally no one, has gotten into MIT from St. Joes. EVER. Am I special enough to be the first? or will I be one of many of who this year? Will I be ok with that? If I don’t get in, will I be able to survive? Can life go on? It has to. 

So I’ve watched a lot of shows, many of which have influenced me in assorted ways. But the one show that has literally changed my life is How I Met Your Mother. For those of you who do not know about the show, HIMYM is about Ted Mosby, a young architect in New York City, on his journey with his closest friends to find success in their respective careers and to find love. In a more emotional sense, HIMYM is a story about Ted Mosby going through incredibly difficult events to become the person he needed to be before he met his one true love. This process of discovering oneself through life experiences to eventually become the person one needs to be is what I dub the Ted Mosby Effect, and it is something i strongly adhere to. In the last episode of the series, Ted says “It was at times a long, difficult road. But I'm glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear.” And its true, If he hadn’t met robin, broken up, met stella, got left at the alter, got heartbroken a million times, and let go of the woman he loved, he wouldn't have been ready for the mother.