KristopherGee

I feel so useless

I have mad baby fever. Especially when it comes to how beautiful our kids are gonna be.

My heart is at a racing resting 190 bpm. And I just feel so fucking foolish and childish. Idk how to say it but I just feel a little out of my comfort zone when were not talking. And you know that. These past few days when we havent been able to talk I’ve been in extreme amounts of distress. I just dont know how to handle myself in these situations and I just want to apologize for aggravating you. Ive never been so attached to someone before that when I see you talking to or hanging out with other people I get jealous. Like extremely jealous because that person isnt me. I feel like such a prick though from taking your fun away from you. But thats not the goal I try to acheive. I dont want to try to make you angry or sad. I just really crave for your attention. Honestly im really sorry for what I’ve done tonight. But I just want you to know that im jealous. Im jealous of everything that you have. Friends to play with. Friends to hang out with in real life. People that make time for you. Youre the only person that ever tries to make time for me. So when I see that you’re not giving me the time you always give me. I get frightened. It may look like I’m being overreactive of this but these are my true feelings and I just wanted to express them because if I dont get them out now I might do something stupid like this again.

False hope throws me in a bad mood

Whats a family if you’re not even invited to be in the group fucking picture. Sometimes i feel like no one even bothers to know that I fucking exist in my family.

On top of my depression wave I only had 3 hours of sleep and Im so cranky and dont even feel the need to sleep. Fuck insomnia. Fuck depression. Fuck my mental health its all just fucking deteriorated right now.

Man I’m fucking over today. Anxiety, depression, stress, and not only that its fucking worse because I don’t have anyone to talk about it with. Really fucking wish Patrick was here because he’s the only one who really cares about my mental state. Even when Im raging on pc he always comes in to my room to see if I’m doing okay. Honestly having someone care for me like that just makes me realize how much i didn’t matter to my family. Like no one from my family ever checks on me or even asks how I’m doing. Right now im fucking bawling my eyes out and I have no one to talk about it with. I’ve never felt this way towards myself but I just feel like a fucking worthless human being. I cant ever do shit right, I can never seem to make those around me happy. I hate that these random depression waves hit me because i really dont know how to deal with them.

Im such a fucking piece of shit child.

I get the biggest enjoyment watching my baby girl fiddle around in her sleep. It might be weird but its the cutest thing ever. If you read this. I love you.

Idk why i continue to try to talk to you when obviously everytime i do it just upsets you even more. Im so fuckin stubborn.

I dont think anyone understands how fucking sad i am right now.

I think its time to start another diary.

Im so over having this frustrated feeling right now. It makes me cringe and stretch my muscles when i wanna do something but i know its not fucking worth for me to do so. Hate being upset over something so small.

Guess its time to start another one of these.