ich liebe dich

I think I can manage that. How was your day? You saw how mine was.

It was fine. Practice was fine. Had some business calls. Paperwork. Nothing out of the ordinary. Ready to get back out to some games. Have they been like this all day?

Munchkin two always drools on the food. Want some help?

So she does. She’s lucky she’s cute. Buut yes, sure, always. I’ll butter the bread if you wanna like. Frying pan it.

Love you too, wife. But god, I don’t know. A grilled cheese sounds amazing right now?

You got it, love. Alright, let’s go team. Munchkin one, find the loaf of bread. Munchkin two, try not to drool on the food.

You are the best. I’ll come join you in a minute. I need to switch out the loads.

Love you. Can I make you anything?

Because they can, I assume.

Naturally. How about we make some dinner and let your mother finish what she needs to get done? You two can help me out.

You’re killing me here.

Hey, kiddos. Why are we driving your mama crazy, huh? 

Oh – you know what!

Are you happy?

--- 

I - what? Yes? I’m happy and - what?

Oh, no, not at all. I’ll take ‘em out for you, no issue!

—-

Well?

...soo?

--

What?

See? Way faster to put back on than to take it all off, right kid? Up top.

—-

Generally, yeah. But…it’s not something you do just because it’s expected. You should make sure you want to do it first. I mean…maybe we should. Elena seems a prime candidate to pawn the kids off on.

Al, hey, good job kiddo. How ‘bout you go hunt down the boys, they should start getting ready to go outside for their walks. You mind, Elena?

---

...

I’ll be honest, I don’t know. Kids just…like me. Up, Princess, let’s go.

—-

…okay, sure, you’re not married, but that certainly doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t serious. Do you want to be married? …Kris, how is she better with our children than we are, honestly?

Yeah...I don’t know either. Apparently we just need to quit parenting, Bec, we suck.

--

...I mean, that’s...what we do next...I guess, right?

I’m telling you, kid. We might need a truce for a minute. And we can’t pass up cool gifts, right? Plus…I’m not sure I’ll be able to give you my gift if Santa can’t give you his, y’know? I wouldn’t want to make him mad. Karlie. Hold her, please.

—-

…Karlie. You live together. You’ve been dating for what? Four, five years now? If you’re not serious, something’s not working.

...I think they’ve calmed down. Elena, how.

--

Well, yeah, that’s. All true. But. You know.  It’s not like we’re married or anything. Oh, sh - mmph. Okay. There...yep, there we go. 

Mm, good point. Santa is pretty good about keeping track of those kinds of things. Poor Rudolph just might miss this place entirely. The lights are pretty important. How about this? I’ll help you get the lights up high and I can scoop you up to put the ornaments on up high too. We got a deal, kid?

—-

Mm, it’s not so bad. The mess can get to be a lot but…having all of them makes the mess worth it. It’s really fulfilling having something like that, Karlie. Sure, it’s not for everyone but…speaking from personal experience, I love it. Plus, your girlfriend’s pretty good with kids.

That sounds like a deal, Al. You better take it. Last chance really before Santa has to pass us by and...I have it on good authority that he got some pretty cool gifts this year for you.

---

I - well, yeah. She’s...fine with them. But, it’s not like. I mean, we aren’t really even...that serious probably or...whatever.

See, not interested in the deal, sorry bout it. I only have room for one quiet child in my life. The terrible princess over there I’m afraid is going to have to miss out on the field trip. Hey Alexandra. I have something for you.

—-

Sure, but it’s not like they’re like this all the time. Most of the time they’re quiet. Well. Megan’s quiet. Alex is just in rare form tonight. Also Karlie, please. Elena has a dog. That lends to a not clean house.

Ah, well, guess I’ll just have to keep this one. Too bad she caused such a mess, though, I mean. Santa just texted me to let me know he’s not sure he can come now... Without a decorated tree, Rudolph can’t find the house.

--

Well, yeah I guess whatever those are all true things. ...the dog is a terror. Dirty paws are...the bane of my existence. I don’t know how you handle two dogs, two kids, and two cats...

I’ll you know. I’ll bid a dollar for this one, but Alex is still all you. That is a terror. Oh yes, princess, I’m taking about you.

—-

Huh. Well, that’s ultimately up to you, of course. I suppose I’m just surprised. Kris seemed to always want kids. What has you so against them?

Hey, you know, I’ll take it. One dollar and you know what, I’ll even throw a second one in for free. How bout it, Al, you wanna go home with your aunts instead?

--

Umm. Look at what yours just did. All of that. I like you know...a clean house.

We do love them. Very much. Even if I maybe currently would like to pawn them off to someone else. Oh, c’mon. You don’t think you’ll ever want kids? Even when you get a bit older? Settle down?

—

Y’know, I’m convinced your eldest is the mastermind behind these tricks.

If anyone is buying, I’m accepting offers, absolutely. And of course it’s Alexandra. She’s. I don’t even know. She’s something. 

---

What? No, that’s. Absolutely...no.

This is…why.

—-

Un…fortunate. What’s up, munchkins!

We love our kids. We love our kids. We love...our kids...

---

You two are suckers. I am totally never...having kids. Probably.