CANON ISN'T REAL. IT CAN'T HURT YOU.

Cause. This was an event for BEFORE the school year begins. and y'know its the first (and hopefully the only) time i start studying a degree.

And i guess ever since I graduated high school, I've been feeling very content and happy with myself. like i came outta high school feeling like i had it figured out.

the feeling comes and goes, but generally, all through summer vacation time I was just doing whatever. Chillin. staying up late even if it makes me feel tired. not advancing that much on projects. advancing a lot on my orginizing to-do stuff... and I guess after this whole School event I kinda had the whole realization that I am starting college. It hasn't felt like something that is really going to happen for YEARS.

Its my dream career. I did well in high school. i got my freaking scholarship. I am going into the carreer i knew i wanted since my first year of high school. its like actually happening. and now i dont feel confident anymore. I feel confused and worried and jumbled.

So much shit happened at this School event today, and this realization really felt like an anvil being put on my head and my chest slowly crushing my BONES.

Like, im exited. im happy. ive been happy and proud for many many months. but now the reality that I am going to be an actual animation student in 2 FUCKING DAYS..... its like. Overwhelmeing me. Because It hit me just today not in the 3 months i spent waffling around in my house during vacation.

Its not like I'm not ready. I guess I'm mad because i really can't pinpoint why i suddenly am so overwhelmed and insecure.

I guess Ive been thinking "once i start college Im gonna be cool and confident and Im going to be presenting exactly as I want to be"

The root of it I think its just that Im nervous. Its a very deep nervousness. Cause I met some of my classmates today. We're all animation students were all alternative kids. They all look so COOL and the entire time i severely fucked with the whole group while simultaneously not wanting to make a bad impression.

I'm someone who becomes a yapper, i run around, i yell i say nonsense and i tweak out, if I'm around people I really trust. But even If I am like that,... Ever since I started high school and especially when I was forced to make new friends at the start of my second year, I started being a lot more annoying and i guess quirky about my interests, Which ultimately helped me find people who respected me exactly as who I am. people who I really trust.

But, I guess, being like that is also something i feel makes me seem immature, which I guess maybe could give a bad impression about me to others. I dont know, I was so comfortable in my tiny little high school with my isolated group of friends... Going to this college event with an actually massive ammount of people... I guess its not so illogicall to have gotten so nervous experiencing all of it in one day.

At high school i felt so safe being myself and not feeling shame of who I was was so easy. Going into an entirely new environment is taking that away from me. I thought I had gotten over the ending // loss of my beloved high school when we graduated 3 months ago, but I guess

the realization that I'm finally going to a new school Is really making the fact that im never going to be back in high school with my friends at the library with the stairs and the vending machines ever again... its making it feel so real.

And I know its not a bad thing. And I am immensly happy to be in a class, in a universty with so many wonderful artists and creatives. But growing up is really just happening all of a sudden and its just overwhelming. its a lot. I just wish I could find trust and feel safe again as soon as I start this degree but that's not gonna happen.

Its gonna be just like when I started high school. Im gonna be confused and scared, and Im going to start and end my time at the school being two completely different people that view themselves completely differently.

I guess the reality of it being so close is very different from the distant "Kori goes to college and is adjusted and happy there" fantasy ive had in my head for... probably longer than i think i have.