Unfiltered Thoughts

Looking ahead of our futures with a hazy view can bring us anxiousness since we do not know what lies ahead. Whether it is the uncertainty of job security, supporting a family, or careers, the fact that we do not know what will happen concerns us. This is the nature that we’re in, not knowing what will happen or where we will be. For those who enjoy planing and seeking what’s ahead, the fact that we can plan so much, but only to realize that our planning can only take us so far brings us anxiety. Planners feel the pressure and stress of this situation for we want to have a level of control of our lives and the direction it goes. But, who is it to say that we have this much control in our lives. It is uncertain that we will live tomorrow. A unfortunate circumstance may occur where our lives will end... God forbid if that were to happen, but the point is that we have no final say about the outcome of our future. We can plan so much, yet still have no idea what will happen. What are we to do then knowing that we have less control than expected? 

1 Corinth 7 talked about marriage. But, Paul was more inclined for people to stay single because their minds will be undivided, solely focusing on God. This maybe the season that I should be in, only seeking the Lord in the midst of my season. It is possible that he plans to use my singleness to further his kingdom, not to assume that he needs me. I am not sure about this, for they are only hypothesis and mental conjectures. I may be attempting to counsel myself thinking everything is fine. I don’t know... I am glad the things turned out the way they did. Though it sucks that we couldn’t go on that second date. Sigh.

I've realized whenever I am in a relational dilemma I type away my feelings. I cannot find any other way to express the thoughts and I know for sure others don't want to hear my stupid thoughts about it.... Let's try to approach this from a different perspective. We'll see what happens.

After grabbing my tray full of awful, dry food that slowly taste like tar each day, I saw a new student sitting by familiar faces. I decided to grab a seat diagonally from hers avoiding a upfront introduction. She had a peculiar name, an unexpected name that you wouldn't guess for an Asian-American; she wore a beanie that covered mostly her hair except the bangs; had a pleasant smile not something overtly joyful, but soft and delightful. Not a second thought crossed my mind about her. She seemed an ordinary person who I can befriend. However, things took a unexpected turn.

First, she enjoyed Queen. Not many people around my age was a fan of classic oldies. Her and I shared a moment attempting to sing Bicycle Race while walking back to main campus in the the frosty night. Our bodies bumped each other as we were walking towards the building, but I never thought of it anything further than an accident. We exchanged a couple of laughs here and there, just like what friends do. One night, at the dinning commons where food was almost uneatable, we and people around us had a conversation about Pokemon. Simple questions like, "Who's your favorite Pokemon?" and "What are some cool Pokemon?" were exchanged around the table. (As I'm typing this, I realized how childish this conversation was). Then the question, "Which Pokemon is the worst?", was asked at the table. Simultaneously, this new student and I shouted "ZUBAT." Laughter filled the dinning hall as tears came out of our eyes because of the answer. As we laughed, I couldn't help myself but to think this women is unique; not someone I've met in my 24 years. 

A small discussion about relationships randomly came about today after watching Seven. It was a short conversation ranging from how people get together to how long an individual can like the other person for an indefinite time period. Short laughters regarding this topic came about as we conversed whatever thoughts came from our heads. In the midst of this laughter, I couldn't help but to think about Deborah. I still have feelings for her even though she did not express the same emotions toward me. Looking back when we DTRed it crushed me to discover that she didn't feel the same way for me. This occurred almost a year ago and I thought I've moved on. But some of my feelings for her still linger in my heart. I wonder why I haven't abandoned all of my emotions. In all honesty, looking at our current situation, the outcome of us coming together is slim. She, as far as I know, is seeing someone else (it's difficult to tell because she keeps this stuff under raps pretty well). I want to move on and forsake these feelings, but I can't. Some where inside my imagination, I convince myself that we will get together some day, which is a stupid fantasy.

I want to let go...

I hope I can move forward....

Yesterday afternoon a famous comedian, loved by all ages, passed away in Tiburon, California. Robin Williams was known for his animated performance, phenomenal improvisation, and moving roles. He was truly a talented man in the entertainment world. He impacted my life and influenced me with the various of roles he played. 

First is Genie. Mr. Williams played this character in a Disney film called Aladdin, which impacted me when I was a child. To see this blue mystical character that grants 3 wishes for anyone who posses the lamp, who is really enthusiastic, vibrant, and comical, stood out the most to me. I loved Mr. Williams' blue character from the first few seconds he appeared on screen. All of his bodily nuances and fast pace speech gravitated me to concentrate on his dialogue so that I can catch his punchlines. Just moments before, I was viewing some of the scenes from Aladdin, and the only adjective that encapsulates this character was "ludicrous." Most of my goofy humor was shaped by the animated Genie created by Mr. Williams, and I'm thankful of that. 

Second is Sean Maguire from Good Will Hunting. This is probably one of my top 3 films of all time. Mr. Williams played a therapist to help a deeply wounded individual with his secretive past. He portrayed this loving, patient, and heartfelt character that guides this confused person. Mr. Williams' soft and calm voice, quite opposite from his familiar loud/distinct tone, draws me to, again, pay closely attention to his speech. On occasion, I feel as if he is speaking to me whenever I am lost or confused about life. I enjoy this character very much, to the point to where I wish I had a person like that in my life. A couple of scenes are quite distinct from this movie: the park bench with Sean and Will, the scene when Sean shares about his first encounter with his wife, and the breakthrough scene with Sean and Will. 

He will always be remember as the man who brought tears and laughter to everyone. However, it is unfortunate to hear how he died. He was relatively young, probably still had gas to keep on trucking through life. But, there was a leak in his tank which was caused by depression. I find it ironic to see a man who was able to bring millions to laughter and yet suffer from depression. How much was he suffering from within? How long has the destructive thoughts occupied his mind? I can only remember Mr. Williams by what has accomplished, which I think is immensely shallow of me. Granted, he is a famous actor and there is no way to know him deeply. But I wish there was a way to assist him with his depression. I'm sure he had professional counselors and what not, but it didn't alleviate him from depression....

Mr. Williams,