i am aware not everyone who self harms wants to die. it's simply an outlet. it serves a purpose. those who have struggled with it know that it never truly goes away. it's an addiction and you fight against it every day, unfortunately. it takes up time and energy. takes up moments of your life you could be spending in a better way. you (and if you have friends who struggle with it) are strong as fouk for getting by despite such a big handicap!!

i've been pretty vocal about my struggles here n there (moreso on my personal side blog) if anyone has been following for a while and it's been a rollercoaster of a decade for me truly. im not writing this for any attention (although sidenote i am a firm believer that any "attention-seeking" behaviour is a matter of concern and do not judge at all! it's so messed up how ppl have been conditioned to not seek attention and to hide their pain when a lack of it is the root of a lot of issues my god) but just felt like pouring my heart out a bit bc i feel for every single person out there struggling as well.

sigh, a decade is a long time that's like half of my life. i started sh-ing when i didn't even know the term existed haha. it was just a way of letting out steam. i will not mention the details bc it's not what i want to focus on. however small, unnoticeable, or insignificant you think it may be, self harming should always be taken seriously. don't get me started on how competitive the mind gets when your pain gets compared to someone else who presents it more intensely. that very quickly leads to a horrible spiral. (a kind reminder to anyone who wants to show support to a friend going through sh struggles: it's often best not to say anything along the lines of "it's not that bad" no matter what your intentions may be!! you might think it's comforting at the moment but more often than not it just signals at the person struggling that their pain isn't enough and that they should hurt themselves more to deserve the help!!)

anyway, after half a decade of being blissfully unaware to the terrifying and addictive world of intentional sh, i got caught in its trap and it all spiraled down to critical levels and even a secret sui attempt a couple years back but i'm absolutely in a much better place now!! all of it happened without my parents' knowledge and still i haven't brought it up to them. it's scary stuff y'all. the guilt of it all is debilitating esp since i am a firm believer in God and am a practicing muslim who tries her best to be a good person to everyone AND herself.

we were in dark dark times and honestly, letting myself open up to a few very select friends over the past few years has helped MASSIVELY. i mean, i still haven't reached out for a mental health conversation more than five times the past five years bc i'm still struggling to internalize the fact that asking for help is good and that people do want to help to the best of their abilities, but i digress. asking for help is HARD y'all please believe me when i say the last time i asked to talk to my friend, it took my an actual 20 minutes to half an hour to get myself to talk about it and i kept trying to squeeze the words out of my mouth. bless her soul i love my friend so much she patiently waited and encouraged me until i let the words out. had a two hour conversation after midnight and jdhfjs all the things i said could have been summed up into a 2 minute monologue but alas. talking is hard. really, really hard.

typing all of this out is actually super easy bc i don't know any of you personally and this is just my page, my blog. i treat this place like a diary (albeit a public one lol oversharing QUEEN). but seeking support irl is wayyyyyy more different than yapping my ass off online. it's real. it has real conseuquences. it's (in my mind, but not true at all) very embarrassing. quite literally mortifying.

so!! when a friend reaches out for help, please show them love and patience and kindness. and if you are struggling yourself, please please please just trust in the person you want to confide in. if you dont have anyone else or cannot fully commit to irl conversations yet, you are absolutely more than welcome to come to me and we can have a long nice chat. if you don't want to, i'll just stay quiet in the chat and you can just treat my inbox or private messages like a personal diary as well. i will not judge at all.

please believe that you are loved and are cared for. even if you can't feel it from those aorund you. even if you cant see it. even if you don't notice it and even if you think you dont deserve it. it sounds so stupid and you might feel like a buffoon but look into the mirror and say "i love you" every night and day. please be the one to love you before anyone else. please give yourself more worth than you give anyone else. please hold yourself in high regard. please tell yourself you are precious and worthy of good things.

there is so much to sh-ing that i cannot get into it all in a single post and this was not planned at all. i just sat down and started rambling bc it cannot wait any longer. every person lives their own hell. i cannot experience your hell and you cannot experience or understand mine. we are all unique in everything including our pain, but we can always hold each other's hands through it. i am holding yours as i am writing this as well.

it starts with a small thing or it starts after a big unbearable moment, it doesn't matter. never compare your scars, mental or physical. never judge yourself for wht you have done to keep going. don't diminish your own worth. don't be your own worst enemy. don't be an echo of all the things others have done to you. the voices in your head tearing you down don't define your actual worth.

there were times i thought i'd fully recovered but then i would find myself horrified at what i'd done again and it felt like the world was crumbling all over again. recovery is a bitch. curse your way through it. scream and rage your way through it. but keep pushing. keep stubbornly clawing your way into health. do it. it is absolutely worth it. recovery is a cycle that feels like it never ends. it loops and loops. you might fall back down but the cycle never stops. you will get better. the sun will shine, but all of a sudden you might find yourself in a ditch somewhere agian. however the loops keep growing and becoming bigger and bigger. you'll have longer days where you're happy. from every day, to every once a week, to every once a month maybe, to somehow survivng a year without relapsing, to then a miraculous couple of years, to then a blissful decade of being clean!! it's a circle that gets bigger and bigger!! you will fall but you'll stand for longer and longer after each time!!

you just have to want it!! you just have to want it!! you HAVE to want it!! i promise you if you want to get better, you will eventually. if you dont want to get better,,, well you're just going to have to trust me when i say that it is SO worth it. life is worth it. please hold onto it because it is so precious. there is ALWAYS a way out of pain without bringing harm unto yourself. HOWEVER do not ever feel bad for doing what you had to do to keep yourself alive.

first order of business: stay alive!! second: find better coping mechanisms!! (and ideally a confidant). third: love yourself SOOOOOO hard y'all deserve it.