look at me
Reader x fromis_9's Lee Chaeyoung
~7.4k words
The sun looked at her.
Chaeyoung squinted as rays were cast on her skin. She skittled through the sand, escaping back towards the lifeguard tower to seek abode.
She hated the sun.
Not because it was hot â she could tolerate heat. It was what the sun did to her skin.
Ultraviolet rays were relentless. UVA accelerated wrinkles, dark spots and aging. UVB left painful burns and if exposed long enough? Early death through cancer.
There was only so much sunscreen lotion could do, and whilst she had countless tubes of exaggeratedly high SPF lotions tucked in the side basket mounted on her lifeguard tower seat, nothing was more effective than a good old parasol that provided absolute defensive shade from skin damage.
âStupid punks,â Chaeyoung grumbled, looping the ropes around the hook on her chairâs legs as she hung the lifebuoy back into place. âFucking jebaiting and tricking me that they were drowning.â
She kept muttering to herself as she climbed back up, sitting back into her barely comfortable throne before she casted her eyes over the beach.
âI hope a jellyfish stings your balls.â
She slid her sunglasses back over her eyes and she unscrewed her flask, letting ice-cold water wash away the dryness in her throat. Mobile phone out, she relaunched her music player and resumed vibing to summer songs. It was the only thing keeping her sane under the sweltering heat of the summer sun, and boy did she hate being a lifeguard.
âFalse alarm. I repeat. False alarm,â Chaeyoung spoke into the walkie talkie.
Beep.
âRoger that. Continue to keep a look out.â
Chaeyoung pressed the button and replied, âCopy.â
She sighed and fastened the device back to her life vest, leaning back onto the chair. She lifted and swung her leg over the other, crossing it deliberately as she tried to cover her panties from ogling men and drooling women alike.
Why canât they mind their own business and stop looking at me? she thought, dabbing sweat off her forehead with a handkerchief that was already soaked with her sweat from an hour ago. Heat buzzed around her like unrelenting waves of discomfort, each one squeezing out unceasing drops of saline stickiness from the pores of her skin.
But that wasnât what irked her.
Yes, Chaeyoung knew she was a gorgeous lady and gazes would naturally gravitate towards her. However, what she hated was that people looked at her because of her beauty.
Among other things.
Her snow white skin under the blazing sun was definitely considered the eighth Wonder of the World, along with her slender and sexy body and legs that were classified as the ninth. She was the definition of the beachâs Sex Aphrodite who saved lives with her looks.
And to make her point known again, she really hated being a lifeguard to her core. She had so much hatred for it that she had stuck with this job for eight years just to see if the job would piss her enough to force her to quit.
But she was the better woman. She would never let such a minute thing get the better of her. She was the gracious and stronger one who toughened through all the stares of admiration, lust, glamour, lechery, adoration, and concupiscence.
She would not leave.
Definitely because of the free lodging and the high pay the job provided. She was a slut for money too after all, much like everybody in the world.
She raised her hand and pressed it forward, looking at the sun through her shades. She measured the distance between the glowing ball and the horizon of the sea, estimating how many more hours it would take before she would be liberated from this gaze hell.
Four more hours till sunset.
She hoped that the night shift bastard would come and take over her soon, as much as she despised him. A disgusting lecher who always slurped his tongue as he looked up at her, trying his best to peer through her underwear whenever she climbed down the lifeguard chair.
But she had no one to blame but herself. It was what she had chosen, despite being touted as one of the beachâs goddesses.
She knew how parents dragged their kids out of her surveillance zone. She knew how men undressed her with their eyes. She knew how women fantasised about one night stands with her.
Everybody looked at her, but nobody saw her.
It was her fault after all.
Was it wrong to embrace sexuality? Was it wrong to love oneself? Or was it a crime to want those things on her own terms?
Why couldnât the world look at her like how she looked at herself?
beep.
She looked at her phone.
Liar.
She pocketed her phone.
In any case, Chaeyoung dozed off and left the surveillance to her other lifeguard colleagues fifty metres to either side of her.
You stood to the side, looking at her with puzzled eyes.
~~~
The set up was ready.
Three, two, one⊠and start.
âHi everyone, chaengrang here~â
Chaeyoung leaned forward and looked at the camera, which was already recording, streaming whatever that was happening in her room to her viewers.
âItâs been a looooong day, and I couldnât wait. So today, Iâm already undressed.â
She stepped backwards and gave her body a slow, teasing twirl, showing off every slutty angle â her barely covered tits, the thin strip of bikini bottom wedged between her ass cheeks, and the obvious damp spot already darkening the fabric covering her pussy.
The stream chat exploded with playful teases and protests, mixed in with donors generously gifting her money.
webbedavianbird: cmon you arent even totally naked
erosheros: take it off, you look hot but I wanna see all of you
âImpatient, arenât we?â Chaeyoung smirked, giving her upper lip a slow, sensual swipe. âToo bad for you gooners today. Your sex goonette is just staying like this.â
She hooked her fingers under the red-and-white striped bikini top, peeling it down just enough to show her already taut and stiff nipples. The hot air made them ooze a little more sweat for a brief, tantalising second before she let the fabric go. Her bikini snapped back into place, hiding her arousal from millions of hungry eyes across the planet.
ghostercomplicated: please⊠give us the full show
âYou poor little things, today will be a special show, so stop worrying about it,â Chaeyoung cooed mockingly. âTodayâs going to be a very special show, so stop worrying and just watch.â
âMaybe even more than watch,â she whispered, pumping her hands in a twisting motion up and down an imaginary cock.
She disappeared off camera for a moment, and the next thing they knew, the entire camera jolted and shifted. Their eyes shook along with how Chaeyoung was moving the camera vigorously and nauseously, before it finally settled into a position that was questionable.
It was repositioned onto a tripod that rested on the floor, capturing the lewd sight before their eyes. Centered perfectly in view was an eight-inch dildo erected off the ground like a veiny tower, stuck firmly to the flat surface with the aid of a suction cup. Its realistic head was already glistening with a fresh coat of lube. Before their minds could register what was going on, Chaeyoung was already mounting it, her legs spread wide as she squatted over the massive toy.
With one hand, she pulled her bikini panties aside, exposing her puffy, dripping pussy lips. With the other, she pressed the fat head of the veiny cock against her entrance, eyes rolling back slightly as she sank down.
âFuccckkkâŠâ
She let out a lust-drunk groan, relieved that she was finally being stretched for all to see after a long day of work. She sank her body further down, letting her favourite comfort cock fill her greedy cunt inch by inch, until her ass rested against the floor. The delicious fullness made her walls flutter and clench hard as it sat snugly in her constricting heat.
Her mouth fell open in pure bliss from the feeling of being filled to the brim, and she needed to experience that feeling over and over again.
More. Immediately.
So she lifted her hips and slammed it down.
Thud.
The dildo battered deep into her guts as she fucked herself onto it, pushing each and every pleasure button that made her eyes roll and her tongue loll.
âS-Shit,â Chaeyoung cursed, but she was smirking at the desperate viewers stroking their cocks and fingering their soaked pussies. âTake your goonsticks and start pumping, you pathetic gooners.â
She slammed her devouring pussy harder onto the veined monster with wet squelches.
âAnd you goonettes, stuff those pretty goonholes full with your fingers and fake cocks. Keep pace with me. Fuck yourselves exactly like Iâm fucking this big, fat cock into my fat pussy.â
Chaeyoung yelped in pleasure and let out husky moans one after another, brutalising her cunt with the dildo below. She slapped her firm ass against the floor with every drop, rolled her hips in filthy clockwise circles, stirring the thick toy inside her until creamy arousal began coating the shaft and dripping down her thighs.
Far away in bedrooms and dark living rooms, her viewers obeyed. Hard cocks in hand pussies leaking copiously, pumped furiously in time with her bounces. Wet pussies were stretched and rubbed raw as women whimpered and gasped along with her, plunging their own toys deep into their greedy lips.
âFuck yourselves harder, you little pumpsluts,â Chaeyoung cried, bouncing faster. The entire room echoed with sloppy squelches and thundering claps, heavy flesh slapping against the floor that mixed with her own shameless moans. She was writhing from the undulating shocks that were coursing through her nerves. Her body secreted whatever juices it could, glazing both her insides and outsides with sweat, saliva and the sweet, sinful juices of sex.
She rode and ground like a cowgirl.
She fucked herself like an animal in heat.
She fell backwards, leaning back onto her hands. She lifted and dropped her hips, snapping them up and down as she fucked her front walls mercilessly. Her cunt ate the fat head and thick sausage with sin, swallowing it continuously as the tip punched her deepest parts, forming visible bulges in her lower belly with very thrust.
âHoly shit, itâs so fucking big,â Chaeyoung mewled, pressing a hand to her stomach so the viewers could see the disgusting outline. But it was just an excuse for her to press the nerves onto the smashing cock for more pleasure. âLook at how deep your cocks are hitting my insidesâpump those hand pussies harder! Faster!â
At the peak of a gut distending drop, her pussy clenched too hard and the dildo was squeezed out with a wet schlorp, followed by the expulsion of a powerful spurt of hot girl cum that splashed across the floor. Her inner thighs were drenched with shiny stains of her arousal, muscles twitching violently.
âM-moreâŠâ
Still trembling, Chaeyoung bent to the side and took a thicker dildo, slamming the suction cup firmly onto the ground in front of her. With another lift and sink, she impaled herself onto the glazed first toy again, wrapping it with her tight confines. She leaned forward and looked and the camera, lowering her mouth onto the other dildoâs tip. Hips still twerking and bouncing on the other silicone, she gave a lustful stare before pushing her own head down.
She swallowed it all.
Plump lips stretched wide, she allowed the plastic cock to invade her mouth. If there was one thing anyone knew about Chaeyoung, it was that her dictionary did not house the word âgentleâ. She forced the entire length past her lips, allowing it to penetrate and breach her throat entirely as her pussy below kept devouring.
She treated her own body like the juiciest fruit, squeezing herself onto the two hard cocks below, pressing out whatever hot slick and goo stored inside of her. Slimy throat slop was crushed out from her throat, flowing down the dildo in a viscous goop as she fucked her throat raw. It was natural to her. She throat-fucked her mouth relentlessly like it was her daily routine, communicating to her viewers in glugs and gags that needed no explanation or translation. Her inner walls fluttered and clenched greedily around the thick dildo, pushing more of her endless creamy arousal and squirt out around the other dildo. The floor beneath her became a mess of sex slime, and it was paramount that it needed clearing quick, or her juices would seep and stain the un-waterproofed floor.
Barely regaining clarity, she pulled off both cocks with wet ploks, making an half-assed attempt like a depraved animal to lick and drink as much of her own mess as she could. She used her hands to wipe off any leftover slime, spreading it across her body, before making way to the pussy fucked dildo and did the same. Then she was right back at it â riding, sucking, gooning without mercy as if her life depended on it.
âWook ack mwe,â she garbled.
She had no idea how many times she had cum, or if she had cum at all. Time blurred into a hazy, cock-drunk fog that clouded her mind. She was soaked and messy, lost in that perfect headspace where nothing existed except the stretching of both her holes, and the need to chase the impending building pressure threatening to tear her sanity apart.
Chaeyoungâs free hand reached for her swollen clit and rubbed it vigorously, all while impaling herself on both toys. The sloshing sounds from her cunt grew louder and wetter, matching the passionate explosion of saliva from her gagging throat. Her eyes rolled into the whites as fresh slick squirted out around her toy continuously.
âIâm so fucking closeâŠâ Chaeyoung gasped, pulling her mouth off the dildo momentarily for a breather that was unnecessary. âFuck yourselves harder, my viewers⊠cum together with me!â
She sat up and leaned backwards, giving the camera the perfect view of her soaked, gaped snatch sliding up and down the thick shaft with ease. Fingers on her swollen clit, she rubbed vigorously with rapid, sloppy strokes, mixing in sharp slaps that made her yelp as her pussy began quivering uncontrollably.
Splosh. Squish. Squelch.
Her ass clapped and slapped the drenched floor filled with a growing, sticky puddle, the intensity reaching the highest peak.
She exploded.
Chaeyoung came with a guttural cry, her pussy clenching violently around the dildo as powerful waves of pleasure tore through her. Clear squirt sprayed in messy pulses around her toy as the orgasm ripped through her. Her legs shook wildly and her toes curled while the pleasure brought her to the highest point, before it ebbed into a slow constant hum. Her hands collapsed unto itself and her body fell limp, the dildo slipping out of her. It was coated in thick strands of her cream, standing tall and proud that at the destruction of her pussy.
Chaeyoung covered her eyes with her forearm and gasped in pleasure. Her chest was flushed red from the euphoric bliss, but her body was still hot with need. She picked herself up and crawled shakily towards the camera, smiling sultrily. She looked up at the computer on the table above, staring at the comments that was coming in without pause. Hundreds of viewers describing their own explosive orgasms.
But that was not the point.
She wanted more. She needed more. The night was still young after all.
âHow about round two?â Chaeyoung purred huskily. She stood with her shaky legs and walked forward, pressing her dripping, drooling cunt right against the camera lens. She showed how much more she needed for the world to see, the glass fogging from the hot breath of her core.
Eyes glued to her pussy, their softened cocks hardened and wrecked pussies salivated as Chaeyoung slid her fingers in. She gave a few small pumps, curling her fingers inside, scooping out the wet juices that was still leaking incessantly. Her body shivered as she pulled them out, resting the tip of her fingers on her swollen folds before she spread them apart to expose the pink, creamy mess within.
âLetâs get pumping again, my pumpsluts~â
The stream dragged throughout the night. By the time it neared dawn, Chaeyoung had lost count of how many times she had came. Many viewers had already left, balls milked empty and throats ravaged, cocks tenderised and pussies sore.
It was the same for Chaeyoung, but her libido didnât wane. In fact, it surged. Usually, she would have stopped and ended the stream by now, but since tomorrow, or today (it was already the next day) was her off day, she made the decision to indulge further.
âAre you gooners still with me?â she cooed, her eyes hazy with lust and exhaustion, but she was still on all fours, fucking herself onto the dildo mounted on the wall. âYou guys are my gooning elites, so I have a special surprise for you.â
She pulled herself off the dildo, revelling in the pleasure as she let the veined length drag deliciously out of her pussy. Hole unfilled, juices spilled out freely from within. She moved aside and showed the mess on the wall, the damp stains painted by her Picasso Pussy.
âIâll be back in five, so get yourself hydrated for more gooning,â Chaeyoung purred, blowing her remaining viewers a flying kiss.
She toggled the stream to standby mode and left for the kitchen to get a drink. After all, she had been expelling water without stop for close to seven hours.
When the stream turned back on, the chat went feral.
bootalooka: HOLY FUCK
goonettequeen: she actually built a fucking gooning machine
webbedavianbird: such a cutie slut omg
Chaeyoung was facing the camera sideways, sitting on a DIY contraption of sorts. She was still dressed in her bikini, but that wasnât the point. It was her set up. Her hands were bound above to the horizontal pole of a makeshift standalone clothes rack, wrists cuffed tight. A pair of egg vibrators were tied in clear tape around her raised pits, humming incessantly as her arms writhed with no escape.
âDonât worry, theyâre timed cuffs,â Chaeyoung muffled. She was sitting on a chair that had a hole carved through the centre of the seat, and there were two dildo machines pumping in and out of both her ass and pussy. Tied to her groin was a Hitachi magic wand, buzzing ceaselessly against her sopping clit as it aimed to milk her dry. A baby bathing tub sat underneath the chair, collecting every single drop of her wet arousal.
A pretty standard set up for certain kinks, until the viewers took in the sight of her face.
Her mouth was stretched wide open with a spider gag, her head pushed in and out of a ribbed dildo that was mounted on a full length mirror placed in front of her. And to note, she was not the one doing the pumping, it was.
Her head was strapped to a pistoning machine, the dildo removed in place for her head. The hydraulics of the machine worked without stop, thrusting her throat onto the dildo as it made her into its personal cock-loving whore.
Chaeyoung couldnât even breathe normally, much less speak with the spider gag stretching her mouth wide open, but her teary eyes still sparkled with deep satisfaction as the machines worked her body without mercy.
The two dildo machines beneath her slammed rhythmically into her holes, pistoning into her creamy pussy and stretched asshole alternatingly. Every upward thrust made her body jolt, her soaked bikini top clinging uselessly to her sweat-drenched tits. And it wasnât that she didnât want to do anything to stop it. In fact, apart from the cuffs restraining her wrists and her throat ravaged by the dildo-piston machine combo, there was nothing stopping her from getting out of her so called predicament.
She clenched her abs and forced her body down onto the incoming impalements, keeping in place as she allowed them to rearrange her guts and intestines as the humming wand at maximum intensity kept her lucid mind more awake than awake. The vibrators fastened to the soft skin of her underarms added a maddening, tickling vibration that made her bound arms twitch helplessly above her head.
Her nerves were overstimulated beyond the feeling of good.
It was Nirvana.
Thrust. Thrust. Thrust.
The machine fucked her throat with precision, driving the cock past her stretched lips and deep into her gullet again and again. Thick ropes of throat slime and spittle poured from her mouth that was willingly forced open, flowing down her chin and onto her chest in messy, glistening strands.
Her entire face was a work of messy, pretty art that could only be appreciated by her own eyes as she looked into the mirror.
âglkâglkâglkâglkââ
The wet, choking sounds smashed out from her voice box were constant, interrupted only by desperate, muffle moans that vibrated around the invading dildo, or goopy snot that exploded from her nostrils. Her eyes rolled back in pleasure as tears streamed without stop, her mascara already smeared into black streaks that joined the crimson smudges of her red lipstick. Both black and red mixed together with the throat slime that the dildo was stirring from within her cock pot, otherwise known as her throat.
Another orgasm ripped through her. Her pussy and ass crushed spasming-ly around the floppy lengths violating her insides, squirting hard into the baby bathtub below. The warm fluid splashed noisily into the growing tub of her own juices, and the Hitachi never stopped, forcing and extending her climax longer and harder until her whole body shook in the restraints.
She looked completely ruined.
The bathtub was already half full, and her three holes were still getting fucked. Orgasms came one after another, converting her into a shower tap that wasnât turned off. She screamed in ecstatical pleasure, but it simply came out as a raw, gagging gurgle around the dildo smashing her throat. Drool cascaded down her body as the machine fucked her head like a fleshlight.
She looked at the reflection in the mirror, and the sight only served to make her wetter.
Her pussy made loud, sloppy squelching sounds with every brutal thrust, her creamy arousal and juices raining into the bathtub. Peak after peak came with no escape, and she came harder and harder. Even as she came, Chaeyoung kept eye contact with her own gaze in the reflection the best she could, saying everything her gagged, glugged, gargled, garbled, glking mouth couldnât.
Look at me. This is what I look like. This is what I want. This is what I need.
Her entire body convulsed, thighs trembling, toes curling as powerful jets of squirt erupted around the pistoning dildos in her holes. The bathtub filled with the warm, cloudy mixture of her juices, sloshing around her feet and calves.
Her entire body was transformed into a dripping cocksleeve.
Minutes blurred. Chaeyoung had completely lost herself into the gooning hell, every hole stretched and used, her body screaming under the undulating assault.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity of endless pleasure, a soft click echoed through the room.
The timed cuffs released.
Chaeyoungâs arms dropped heavily from the horizontal pole. The straps tied to her head had long loosened, and the only thing keeping the dildo in her mouth was the thrusting pad that pushed her head forward over and over again. With the sudden freedom, her body slumped off the chair to the side and she collapsed onto the floor, limp and trembling.
She weakly reached for the controllers and turned everything off. One by one, the pistoning lulled to a stop. The buzzing Hitachi powered down. The egg vibrators went silent.
Crawling to her set up, she grabbed on to the chair and flipped it out of the way, before climbing into the baby bathtub. For a long moment she just sat there, chest heaving, body twitching with aftershocks, staring hazily at the camera.
Surrounded by the warm, slippery pool of her own cum, squirt and saliva, she reached for the still-warm Hitachi wand. She turned it on back on high and pressed the vibrating head on her wrecked clit.
âMmmph⊠one moreâŠâ she rasped, hoarse from the hours of throat-fucking. She leaned back against the edge of the tub, legs spread wide as they hung out from the knee onwards. Her pussy hovered between the precipice of liquid and air while she rubbed the powerful wand in slow, messy circles. The vibration rippled both her body and the sea of sex juices, and she occasionally dipped it lower to tease her gaped and creamy hole.
Her free hand kneaded her tits, tugging and pinching hard at the sore nipples through her bikini as the Hitachi buzzed relentlessly against her clit.
It didnât take long.
A long raspy moan escaped her brutalised throat as the final orgasm crashed through her. She pressed the wand harder against her clit, hips jerking and splashing against the cum-filled tub as she made the final contribution. Fresh squirt sprayed out and mixed with the existing mess as she came hard one last time, her thighs quivering uncontrollably.
When her orgasm faded, she slumped back into the mini sea, letting her own sticky arousal embrace her. She turned the streamed off without bidding goodbye to her viewers. A soft, contented smile graced her swollen lips as she drifted off to sleep.
~~~
Her eyes peeled open. The air-conditioning was still switched on as it tried its best to cool down the summer heat that was emanating through the thin walls. The sun was already up in its highest position and so was her hunger and thirst.
Chaeyoung looked at the state of her room.
Mess wasnât the right word for it. Perhaps it was blissful mess. She smiled and climbed out of the baby bathtub, reaching for the towel by the side that was similarly sticky from the same concoction she had been soaking in after falling asleep.
She wrapped herself around herself and walked to the shower, proceeding to clean herself up.
When she came out of the shower, she started to clear her room in silence. Windows opened wide and fans opened on full blast, she tried to liberate her room of the musky smell of sex. The contents of the bathtub were emptied and flushed down the toilet bowl. She wiped down her floor of the mess and dumped everything into the washing machine, before dismantling everything from her set up.
She folded the tripod. The lights went back into their box. Chair flipped back into place, she sat down and took a brief rest on it, reminiscing about the session last night with a satisfied smile, before stowing that too in her mini storage closet. The room became a bedroom again.
âGosh, that was tiring,â Chaeyoung complained, wiping the newly produced sweat off her forehead. She walked to her refrigerator and prepared a simple brunch, and soon she was sitting on the floor by her bedside, munching on a bowl of granola yoghurt bowl with some muscat grapes and diced honeydews.
She looked at the time. Five minutes to 2 p.m. It was time to go. She went to take another quick shower to get rid of whatever dirt was left from cleaning up, before changing into a casual skin hugging top and jeans.
Windows closed and appliances turned off, she locked the door behind her with the turn of her key and left. Within a few minutes, she was sitting comfortably on a seat in an almost empty train. It was a Monday after all, and most people were either still slaving away at work, or cramming books in schools.
She looked at the remaining people with narrowed eyes. Stupid fucktards who were staring at her again. Two men blatantly pointed at her, mumbling to each other with hushed voices. One woman in her twenties recognised her and blushed. A middle aged woman gave her a judgemental frown and took out her phone, pretending to act as if she were far sighted, but she gave herself away as a flash and click escaped from the camera of her phone.
Chaeyoung gave her a death stare and she turned away embarrassingly, before rushing off the train at the next stop.
âMaybe I should have taken the cab instead,â Chaeyoung grumbled to herself under her breath. She looked up at the terminal near to the trainâs ceiling and counted the number of stops. About an hour more to go.
Her phone buzzed.
Another lie.
She closed her eyes and transited into a state of half-sleep, robbing herself of the awareness of more looks at her.
Her stop arrived sooner than later and she alighted. She climbed up the stairs and made her way to the gantry, tapping her card on it to release herself from the prison of judgemental people she would probably never meet again.
She looked at the bus stop on the right.
She turned to the left.
A twenty minutes walk. She could do it. She could tolerate heat. Anything to escape more looks.
She made her way up and down small hills with her trusty miniature âparasolâ, walking towards her destination. When she had finally arrived, she entered the apartment building and made her way into the elevator, heading up to the eleventh floor. Three units too the right after exiting the lift, she keyed the passcode into the digital door look and pressed down onto the handle.
Click.
She entered the house.
Turned into the master bedroom.
âChaeng chaeng!â
She looked at the woman laying on the homecare bed. She was strapped to multiple wires connected to a beeping machine that measured her heart rate.
âMom,â Chaeyoung said flatly.
âIâve been waiting forââ
She burst into a fit of coughs. A nurse to her side quickly gave her some water and calmed her down, telling her not to speak.
Her mother waved the nurse off and typed something on the phone in her hands, before the nurse excused herself and left the room. Her mother raised her weak hands and gestured to the chair beside her.
Chaeyoung walked forward and shifted the chair slightly further away from her mother, before taking a seat.
She looked at her. Her hair was non-existent, face was plagued with wrinkles, and her body looked like it could crumble any moment. She broke out into coughing fits every now and then as they stared at each other in silence.
Then her mother started typing.
Have you eaten?
Chaeyoung nodded.
How long will you be here today?
âIâm leaving soon.â
I miss you, chaeng chaeng.
She simply looked at her.
Her mother just laid there and looked at her, her smile never leaving her face. She looked at her daughterâs beautiful self, thinking of things that Chaeyoung had no idea of what was in her mind.
What a fake look.
Chaeyoung couldnât stand it anymore. She quietly stood up and shifted the chair back into place and gave a small bow to her mother.
âIâm leaving.â
Her motherâs smile remained. She took her phone and typed something on it, showing the screen to Chaeyoung.
Will you coming again next Monday?
âI will.â
Chaeyoung turned and walked out of the room.
âChaeng chaengâcough coughââ
Chaeyoung stopped in her steps by the door, looking back at her mother.
âcoughâI love youâcoughââ
Chaeyoung gave her mother one last look and walked out, calling for the nurse back into the room before leaving her motherâs house.
~~~
Chaeyoung hung up the call.
She stared at the lights blurring into streaks outside the glass. Doors opened and closed. Opened and closed. Opened again and closed again.
She looked up and realised she missed her stop.
She kept her phone and alighted the train, crossing over to the opposite side, boarding the next one back to her motherâs house.
~~~
People came and went, offering condolences to the picture placed before her motherâs corpse that was housed in a half opened coffin.
Chaeyoung sat by the side in white clothes, hair tied up into a bun. People approached her to offer condolence money, slotting the cash or envelopes into the box after placing white chrysanthemums beside her motherâs photograph.
Most looked at her.
âThatâs the daughter.â
âI heardâŠâ
âStill doing those streams?â
âPoor mother.â
âSuch a shame.â
Their voices never rose above whispers, but it was just enough to make their point.
Chaeyoung kept her gaze fixed on the photograph, looking at her mother. She looked younger there. Hair that was still there neatly tied behind her head. Eyes curved into gentle crescents.
The same smile.
Always that same damned smile.
She wondered what that smile meant.
She wondered if her mother smiled to everyone like that.
Or whether her mother simply smiled that easily.
One by one, guests approached the altar, offering the same incense, bow, and cast their judgemental look upon her shameful self.
She didnât smile like her mother, nor did she cry for her mother. She simply sat there and wondered, wondering things that would most probably never be answered anymore.
Taken by that damned throat cancer.
Time passed into the late evening.
Visitors shrank in number, reducing to maybe one or two every hour. Someone came in, offering a stick of incense and a bow of condolence. They walked towards her and slotted an envelope into the condolence box.
Chaeyoung waited for another judgemental whisper.
They stood there silently, then moved to sit beside her. Not close enough to invade her space. Not far enough to feel distant.
â⊠Long time.â
She turned and casted her gaze at them.
It was you.
You werenât dressed in black. Just a plain white shirt with a pair of jeans, sleeves rolled up to your elbows because of the summer heat.
âYou came,â Chaeyoung said.
âI knew your mom.â
âOf course you did. Youâre my friend.â
âHow are you doing?â
Chaeyoung looked at you, surprised.
ââŠIâm fine? I guess. Alive. Surviving.â
âThatâs great.â
âHave you eaten?â you ask.
She looked at you, questioning the questions you asked.
âSmall bites here and there,â Chaeyoung mumbled. âI canât afford to die of hunger when Iâm the last in my familyâs line.â
Footsteps approached. An older woman stopped beside Chaeyoung. She slotted a 5000 won bill into the box and stared at Chaeyoung with slitted eyes.
âI donât know whether to say thisâŠâ
âJust say it already, Iâve heard enough of them throughout the day anyway.â
The old woman hesitated at her aggression, but spoke her mind anyway.
âAre you still doing those⊠videos?â
Chaeyoung looked away, staring at her motherâs photo.
The woman continued speaking.
âYour poor mother must have died becââ
âDid you put in a leave of absence?â you cut in.
âExcuse me? Why are you interrââ
âIâm sure there should be many people who would be available to cover you, right?â
You looked at Chaeyoung and smiled.
ââŠYeah.â
Chaeyoung frowned at you.
âI am on compassionate leave for the next few days.â
âHow about the breakwater at the south beach? I heard that itâs under repair.â
âIt is.â
âMaybe thatâs why they could cover you, since that area is closed off from the public.â
âMaybe.â
The elderly woman lingered for a moment, before finally catching wind that she was not welcomed. Eventually she excused herself.
âYou changed the subject,â Chaeyoung said.
âI didnât. That wasnât what I was interested in.â
âAnd youâre not interested in what⊠videos I did?â
âMaybe? But youâd tell me if you wanted to.â
Chaeyoung looked at you for a long time.
âYouâre weird.â
âMaybe.â
A tiny breath escaped her nose.
It wasnât a laugh. But close enough.
Soon the funeral came to an end. Things were tore down, and she gave her motherâs picture one last bow. The smile didnât change. It never would. Itâs a picture after all.
âBye, Mom.â
She turned and walked away.
~~~
Nights passed since the funeral, and you spent every one of them with Chaeyoung, just sitting beside her as she sipped on alcohol in the beachside bar.
âWhy are you here again?â
âWhy not?â you ask.
âDonât you know what I do?â
âYou told me yesterday, so of course I do.â
âI hate you,â she said.
âThen go and sit somewhere else.â
She glared at you with dagger eyes, hoping to scare you away, but you just sat there nonchalantly, drinking on your cup of apple juice.
âWhy are you even at a bar when you drink fruit juice everyday?â
You looked at her and chuckled.
âArenât you also drinking fruit juice?â
She pointed to her glass.
âThis? This is a freaking fruit cocktail. Just because it has fruit in it, it doesnât make it a fruit juice. It has alcohol. You know alcohol? The thing that makes a bar a bar.â
âSure,â you scrunched your nose and blepped. âGod forbid me from drinking whatever the bar sells.â
âYouâre impossible,â Chaeyoung cursed, rolling her eyes.
You sat there in silence, just appreciating the ambience of the bar, humming to the soft beats of the playful summer track sounding overhead. The juice does little to cool you down from the heat, but at least the absence of the sunâs rays in the evening helped out.
âSayâŠâ
Chaeyoung stirred her cocktail with the straw, before letting it fall limp onto thr glassâs edge.
You look at her.
âI streamed again last night.â
âI know,â you replied indifferently.
âAnd Iâm going to stream again tonight.â
âSure.â
âWhy arenât you judging me?â Chaeyoung said, raising her voice slightly.
âWhy should I?â
She raised her hand and pointed to everyone else in the bar minding their own business.
âEverybody else is!â
âSo?â
She stared at you with silence.
âYouââ
âSay, you want a kebab? Thereâs a nice store down the street.â
Chaeyoungâs face turned red and she lashed at you with anger.
âYouâre fucking ridiculous!â
She stood up and stormed off, probably leaving for home.
~~~
âHey.â
You tapped on her shoulder and slid into the seat beside her.
âHey,â she replied softly.
You ordered your drink and sat there in silence, waiting for her to say something.
âIâm sorry about yesterday. I just had a lot on my mind, andââ
âOkay.â
âOkay?â
âApology accepted.â
âCan you not be such an easy going person?â
âWhy not?â you asked.
âBecause it irritates me!â
âThen if I ask you to stop asking me to judge you?â
âNo? Thatâs totally different,â Chaeyoung argued.
âYou do know that what Iâm requesting is on the same level as what you ask of me, but why is you demanding me to stop being easy going okay and my request to be different?â
âI seriously hate you.â
You looked at her and smiled.
âCome on, both you and I know thatâs not the case.â
She rolled her eyes and huffed.
âI streamed last night,â Chaeyoung muttered.
âOkay.â
âIâm probably going to keep streaming.â
âOkay.â
âIt makes me happy.â
âThatâs great.â
She gave you and incredulous look and stood up, raising her hand up high, as if preparing to smack you on the head. But all you felt was a tug on the hem of your shirt.
You looked at her
âHey. Go on a walk with me?â
âSure.â
You followed her out of the bar, heading towards the beach that was illuminated by the moonlit sky. She walked forward, half a step quicker than yours, then faster and quicker until the gap between you both widened.
She was soon running forward, the excess of her white top fluttering behind her, trying its best to catch up.
You sauntered slowly, watching her sprint towards a large rock, before climbing on and sitting on its top. A few minutes later, youâre up top beside her, watching her stare into the reflection on the moon that was shimmering off the horizon of the sea.
âYouâre slow.â
âYouâre fast,â you shot back.
âYouâre irritating.â
âOkay,â you gave another flat answer.
She breathed in deeply, inhaling the nightâs sea breeze before letting her frustrations out.
âI wanna read something. Would you stay by my side while I read?â
âOkay.â
Chaeyoung smiled with gratitude and nodded with a small thanks. She reached into her bag and took out a stack of envelopes, each one numbered with a date. It was tied in batches of four, each stack with a small rubber band that encircled their width.
She untied the topmost stack and took the first letter. On it was the date that she last met her mother. She carefully tore open the envelope and took the piece of postcard out from within. On the top side was a picture of her favourite cherries.
A small smile escaped her lips.
She flipped the card around and looked at the writing on it.
You looked at her as she opened envelope after envelope. Every single one contained a letter written to her every week, some contained an extra picture of her that her mother had taken without her knowledge. Childhood photos, graduation photos, photos of her at her new job, screenshot photos of her smiling before she started her streams, social media selfies of her after her streams ended.
Every single one of them had her smiling.
She touched her face on every single one.
She didnât know she could smile that wide. She knew she was the happiest when she streamed. But she didnât know that there were other moments where she truly felt happy as well.
Her mother was always looking at her.
She turned to you and muttered.
â...Do you know whatâs strange?â
âWhat?â
âI spent so much time wondering who was looking at me...â
She looked down at the letters.
â...I never looked back.â
â...Not at her.â
â...Not even at myself.â
She opened the next letter. In it was what her mother had written to her when she gave her the pay she got from her first stream.
There wasnât even any mention of her streaming. Nor was there anything about the money she gave her. It was just her mother who was constantly looking at her.
She forgot how to look.
And in the midst of shunning other peopleâs gazes, she had forgotten to look at the ones who cared the most for her. Most importantly, she stopped looking at herself.
âShe didnât hate me.â
Chaeyoung said, tears streaming down her face. She took in a sobbing breath and tried to stop crying, but everything came out harder.
âI didnât even save her number out of unfounded spiteâŠâ
âSo what are you going to do now?â you said.
She looked at the little girl who was still building sandcastles with her parents in the dark. An old man walking alone, strolling on the beach. Two teenagers arguing in a heated exchange.
She looked at you who was looking at her.
Sheâs finally...
Looking.
âLetâs go,â she said.
You hopped down the rock.
âReady?â
She smiled and wiped her tears, keeping all the pictures and letters back into her bag. She hopped down the rock and stood beside you, looking out into the deep, blue sea.
âYeah. Ready.â























