K N I S M O P U N K

i told him im somewhat of a thrillseeker and he asked if id like if he did some zero-g maneuvers and i was like "yes please"

my gods it was so fun!

i havent been on a rollercoaster or done anything intense enough to spark that particular tickly feeling i get in my tummy during weightlessness or acceleration in so, so long

i love that feeling so much

its pretty much akin to any other tickle really. every time he did it i couldnt help but laugh and giggle and even flail a little during the descent. it was so exhilarating!

and now i cant stop thinking about it, because to me its technically tickling. it felt tickly and i laughed

im not sure many people agree with me on this one lol. i think maybe im just weird

i did not truly start liking my body until i stopped wanting or expecting it to be anything other than what it is

there are things i like about my body, and there are things i dont

both are valid feelings, but i must accept that there are things i dont like about my body that can never change

i dont have to lie to myself about liking the things i legitimately dont like. thats toxic positivity

but i also dont have to let my dislike of certain things manifest as insecurity

i can just accept them as they are

this is the body i have and i will do my best to take care of it and to keep it in the physical shape that is most desirable/feasible for me to achieve

anything else is beyond my control

and if its beyond my control then i must accept that

i dont have to like my body. but i do have to accept it for what it is

because its the only one ive got

once i started intentionally thinking like this, i actually started feeling genuine love for my body

ymmv of course... but worst case scenario, you accept your body for what it is. "flaws" and all

you dont have to love it, but theres no sense in hating it either

someone to tell me what to do, give me ideas, give me deadlines, check in on my progress, and just generally encourage me to do art

im half serious about this. i think it would help me a lot but i struggle to ask for that kind of assistance. especially without promise of compensation (however if we managed to get my shit together enough that i started a patreon or smth id definitely cut you in!)

there was so much more than i thought. it took hours 😭

check out the #self tag and start scrolling if you're interested! you can see what i looked like with short hair and a mullet haha

#SELF

for context, last year i randomly decided i wanted to focus more on art and less on modeling myself, so i privated all my spicy posts

...and then i didnt post any art, or really anything at all for months

because it turns out slutposting is the easiest/most fun way for me to engage with this community. it was dumb of me to deny myself the ability to do that

depression has really been doing a number on me lately

i should have known this would happen after i quit my lexapro

but im still over here acting all surprised

like i somehow really thought "im better now, i dont need it!"

and i do believe im in a better place now than when i started it

but that just means the ways in which my depression fucks with me are much more subtle now

i dont have many things to point to to say "see? this is why im sad!" anymore

instead i have a list of reasons i should be so much happier than i am

that i look at and wonder, "see? wtf is wrong with you!? WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY?"

truth be told i dont want to get back on lexapro

i still think it was the right move getting off it

i think i was still depressed on it, with the added 'benefits' of my emotions (and sex drive) being completely stifled

the problem was never my strong emotions

i didn't need a medication to keep me from being able to cry..

my emotions are one of my biggest strengths

no.. what i need is for my brain to quit lying to me

to quit trying to convince me that nothing is ever enough

to quit comparing me to every other person in the world and making me feel lesser than

to literally quit stealing my joy

im convinced i could get everything i ever wanted and id still find a way to feel miserable

i cant just exist

i cant just have what i have and be okay with it

i always want more, and the world is always out to get me when i cant have it

i truly believe desire is the root of misery

this constant feeling of inadequacy, the race to have it all

it stems from the misplaced idea that i dont have enough

i do

sure i could always have more... but i have enough

i dont need more than i have. i want more

i swear after so long its like your skin 'forgets' what a tickle even feels like

and youre left trying to resonate with, like, the idea of a tickly sensation

my imagination can only do so much and with each passing day its like i forget how intensely amazing it feels, little by little

i need to be constantly reminded