Kneel Before Clefairy

Clara Bow

Sweet sweet Claudia

all his neighbours immediately distrust him because he’s russian and they haven’t gotten over the red scare and also no one new has moved in to the town in almost a decade

but then he participates in podunknowheresville’s annual lawnmower race with a monstrosity made from scrap metal and far too much duct tape and he wins second place in a neck-and-neck final round against sam americason, the most anti-russian man in the village

she’ll be like “aziraphale would never suggest harming another living being” and i have to be like oh honey. he suggested killing a little boy to get out of work. and then actually tried to do it and only failed because madame tracy said “um wtf??? no???” while he was possessing her.

and then she’ll be like “ok but what about when he revives the dove after the magic show at warlock’s party” they changed that for the show. crowley originally revived it after aziraphale accidentally killed it.

and then she’ll be like “aw i love how aziraphale loves books so much he owns a bookshop” babe people literally think he’s with the mafia because he will resort to anything but physical violence to avoid selling his books. he rents in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in London and never sells anything. the mafia can’t even fuck with aziraphale because he makes them inexplicably disappear whenever they come around and we are never actually told where they go or what he does to them.

“oh but he loves humanity so much it’s so sweet how he would do anything to save humanity” book aziraphale doesn’t want to save humanity, book aziraphale wants to keep going on little dates with his boyfriend and reading books that he won’t sell and drinking tea and listening to his records in his little bookshop because Heaven is boring as fuck. He actively works to avert the apocalypse because he would have to actually do his job otherwise. Crowley quite literally only manages to convince him to help him stop the apocalypse because he reminds Aziraphale how fucking bored he’d be without creature comforts. Crowley’s trump card was literally “help me or you’ll have to watch The Sound of Music.” and Aziraphale FUCKING AGREES TO IT. To get out of watching The Sound of Music.

Book!Aziraphale is a bastard, and I love him.

I’m serious. Do you actually want that life? Like actually? Picking spinach out in the sun? Living communally? If you actually want that there’s ways for you to do it.