Kayla Robinson

Chapter 34: The Healed Heart Seeks The Depth of Self Love.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I could make up with someone I’ve dated in the past but then I know I would be settling. He doesn’t deserve that. For him, I would want him to be with someone who is bursting through the door each night, ready to connect with him, missing him from the day apart even though I can’t give him that. And I really don’t think he feels the same way about me. I want his happiness more than I wish for my own.

So I’m left feeling like I served a purpose in so many different peoples lives, and my story seems to be built on supporting others. My hope for me is that I feel the fulfillment in my own life while I have time to feel it. My hope for me is that I don’t wait before I feel like I’m living my own life. In all honesty I can’t even speak what I think I’m waiting for. I refuse to ask for the thing I feel I deserve the most. I fear that if I ask… if I finally exhale my deepest desires out loud… what if I never get it? somehow I’m afraid to face the fact that I never got what I truly desired even when I asked. But now I’m at a space where I can accept, what if what I truly desire isn’t the best that’s yet to come? A glimmer of hope flickers in the distant darkness. My hope for myself is that one day, this day, I could just lean into that glimmer of hope with my total being. With no regrets.

Found myself in such a funk. I’ve been giving myself permission to just not be ok. I had been laying in bed daily, not doing much, not seeing anyone. Scrolling for hours and hours. Re-watching old shows for hours and hours. I got to the point where even walking in stores gave me such anxiety. Somehow being around so many people rushing passed me, bumping into me was really causing me to spiral more and not want to be out. Then one day, I decided I was going to get up and get myself something nice to wear for my birthday and I was walking through the store and the only thing I could feel was the feeling of my heart racing and being so overwhelmed that all I could think was get back to my car and calm down. Then I found myself sitting in that parking lot for 2+ hours, I had been scrolling on Tiktok just to numb what I was feeling. I thought to myself, this is just as bad as sitting on the couch getting wasted to numb my feelings. The best part of my day, the thing that calmed me, the thing that made me not feel so overwhelmingly unhappy was scrolling on Tiktok. I couldn’t help but think I’ve got to do better. I used to know how to make myself happy and I know I’ve made myself happier than what I’m currently feeling.  Suddenly I was filled with anger, just this sense that I know there is one person responsible for everything I’m feeling right now and it’s not fair what they did to me. My heart started racing again and I drove home from that parking lot and I put on workout clothes and running shoes and decided to go for  walk. On my walk I let out the biggest overdue cry I’ve probably done all year. Right there I decided every day I need to let out this energy someone. If I need to workout or go for a walk or run, I will do it. 

This morning I decided that I would switch up my routines starting this weekend and week. I deleted all my apps where I tend to spend all my filler time. ie Tiktok, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. I woke up at 6:30am, got dressed for the gym, grabbed coffee and did a fast paced walk going all uphill for 30 minutes. I’ve been listening to wellness podcasts recently and one talked about how it’s important to start your day with the same 3 songs that you know will help you set the tone for your day. As soon as I hit that treadmill I played my 3 songs. This week I am going to go with the following: 1. In the River by Tasha Cobbs 2. Everlasting God by William Murphy 3. While I’m Waiting by Travis Greene

For the last few years I’ve been going through a lot of spiritual growth, set backs, and come backs and these songs have been a theme of me listening to them when I am really going through it. 

After my 3 song starter, I listened to the wellness podcast on Spotify which, I don’t know if they said something that was particularly encouraging. It pretty much just gave me the space to center myself by meditating on what I am thankful for today, some affirmations that I made up for myself on the spot. This helped me to slow my heart rate and come back to myself the last 10 minutes of my walk. This also lead to a few minutes of crying as well. Which, has become a regular thing for me recently. 

I don’t know if this is the recipe that will “fix me” and I don’t know what can be fixed on my own. All I know is that I’ve been deeply consumed with sadness, while in a way it’s been refreshing to take a step back from doing constantly I know this isn’t a destination for me. 

Since I’ve not been using social media to fill my time, I’ve had space to nourish myself. To listen to my body, to give myself what I really need that’s not just going to be a quick fix. I found time on Sunday to just sit in a coffee shop and read a book I’ve been trying to finish. I received so much from those two hours. I give myself space to read at night when I would usually fill it with endless re-runs of some show that somewhat adds more anxiety to my life. It’s been nice to actually give myself the best I can at this time. Even taking time out of my day to journal instead of scrolling through instagram so I can get my thoughts out. It all feels like I am giving myself the first, the best. 

My only encouragement is that if I find myself in a rut again, switch up the routines. Give myself back what I give away every day: my time, my energy, my thoughts.