LapsedCatholic guilt is faster than any MiniCooper

imagine this heat and you roll over in bed an there’s some cunt there next to you. bruv id be inconsolable

the kids are calling them "stone fruits." they start off small—think cherries. then they're hooked and they need a quick fix, they get peaches, maybe some nectarines. it's all they can think about. before you know it, they're trying the really hard stuff—apricots, plums. once they taste a mango there's no going back.

When youre a kid youre like wtf adults are making themselves sick with poisons and when youre an adult youre like i need more poisons ASAP

Someone come put your hands on my cheeks and stare into my pretty green eyes. Pleaseeeee???

therapy should just be One Session where they just slough off all the Goo and then you’re done. Will someone please take my Goo

Damn, this sucks. I’m gonna host a massive Fourth of July party and dream up a fire dragon to ki— *remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health* —kidnap my homoerotic situationship’s younger brother, then crash my car!

They’re letting people born in 2005 be 21

There could be an ‘05 baby at the club and you wouldn’t even know. Terrifying. Please stay safe out there

the idea that every summer will be as hot if not hotter than this for the rest of my life is unbearable i need to (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) murder an oil executive

Doctors are like: ughhhhh. You're confusing. Come back if you die

crazy how i find myself thinking i've got a handle on it all finally and then i see the ways that other people tangle their lives together so easily and live so easily together with their friends and i feel like that girl at the top of the stairs painting by norman rockwell