The Chamber of Sequins (Harry Potter not fashion)

Hey guys :) this was a fun activity we did as part of our writing course, after viewing some old classics of Hugh Grant. I loved it because there was plenty of romance and horror as a result of trivial things such as rain, or missing people’s phone calls. I decided to base mine on an online dating site, since that’s where a lot of dating goes on nowadays. 

Woman: Hey.

Man: Hey.

Woman: Why does everyone always start with that?

Man: Okay, let’s start at the end. We’re married. 

Woman: We have kids.

Man: We nicked next door’s leaf blower.

Woman: Wait a second...

Man: Mary? OMG!

Woman: OMG! Joseph!

Man: I think we need to set some parameters for this relationship, like OMFG.

Woman: Ok, go back to porn.

The relationship parameters line was inspired by our ‘line of the week’ which was told to us by our teacher this time, but spoken initially by his friend at a party. The friend’s wife had entered the room crying, then the friend had come in and ignored her. He went over to our teacher and said: ‘It’s not my fault! I never set the parameters for this relationship!’ 

Hi guys :) these are the questions I asked myself before I joined a creative writing group at my local theatre a few weeks ago (quite an expensive writing course, to be precise). I was experiencing what I like to call a gust of fearlessness, underlaid with the terror that I would feel too scared again soon. As a result I Googled writing courses in my area, booked and paid for the first course I would be able to attend and ended up sipping coffee with a bunch of strangers in a secret room adjacent to The Round (the actual stage, where the plays are put on) trying to listen to a pasty, hippie looking guy who goes by the name of something something synonym for nuts Basil something on Twitter (not real username obviously) talk whilst trying to ignore classic Alan Ayckbourn being screamed by actors through the wall. Not a serene meditative writing zone really. We can’t even flush the loo because it’s in a tiny awkward room in the space between the stage and our hijacked conference room, and us creative writing rebels have to sneak out and try to defecate quietly in the presence of the Gods (of creative writing and screaming all the way to the back of the auditorium and through the following wall. Unlucky if you have trapped wind or anything.) Plus there is only like 12 of us in total and we’re lucky if all 12 show up on the night. There was supposed to be 13 but the elusive and mysterious Claire is a no-show. I don't have the answers to those questions. They will vary from day to day, context to context, person to person, culture to culture. Oh, and sometimes Dave ‘gets trapped in his house.’ I have yet to figure out if he means literally. I realize I am not painting a great picture. But I hope your getting an impression of a fun, yet challenging endeavour with a weird (and awesome!) level of intimacy between it’s participants. It’s been a few weeks, a few days really, and already we feel like a family of sorts. I’m going to be gutted when it’s over. What I’m trying to say - is do it if you’ve been thinking about it. Or even if your only just thinking about it now. It’ll be worth it. The awkwardness - which is sadly immortal - is outweighed, always, but moments of hilarity, and awesomeness that will live in your memory for all eternity. That was week 2 for me. I caused uproar with a skit in which an evil psychology teacher threatens to lock an animal care student in a storecupboard with her hamster Sigmund, a six year old stapler, and instructions on how to perform an ethical rat castration until she gets bored enough to attempt it. True story. (in my head.) I was pleased with what I’d written, but I was surprised by the reaction because I didn't think I was capable of sparking that. The awkwardness lingers, but my neurosis has gone down and I have proven to myself that I can cope with horrifying situations like reading out my to people I barely know (who are all at least 10 years older than me and are super cool and one has AN AGENT so I don't know wtf she’s doing there anyway. She just shrugs that away and walks it off in her awesome Simpsons thigh-high converse trainers.) I hope you guys do the same, because it really is totally worth it. 

P.s if anyone wants to message me and chat I am always up for making new friends :) 

p.p.s sorry I haven't been chatting to my old friends as much as I used to, I am pretty busy at the moment, but I’m still thinking of you and behind you (not literally.)

Just because I haven't posted anything for a while. I have a late Halloween themed short fic up my sleeve involving my 3 epically useless Dementor's whom I have given personalities and names to - Shawskank, Judas Christ and Gerry (makes more sense in context) however this may take me a little while, so I'm posting this short one now.

- Dementors are temporarily affected by the personality of the person whose soul they have just sucked.

- Nice Dementors sometimes have sneaky side jobs to bribe Weathermen into forecasting windless weather, so their friends won't be scared to go out for some fresh air.

- Their is a superstition amongst the Death Eaters that if an animal laps up their pee then this animal will become endowed with whoever's soul they last sucked. For this reason, they sometimes break into Muggle houses and pubs in the night to use the loo (being undereducated and embarrassed they don't want to pee in front of the prisoners.)

- On Halloween night the Dementors went out to earn the Death Eaters some money by winning a Muggle child costume party competition to make up for failing to abduct Harry Potter a few weeks ago because, quote, 'when he came out the shower he was still naked.'

- The only shop that will sell to Dementors is an overstocked hotel bathrobe shop. All these robes are white, resulting in the first 10ish years of all Dementors lives being spent waiting for their robes to go mouldy.

Been a while so I've done one of these, so hear you go :)

- If a Dementor's blew instead of sucked your soul would be replaced with the last soul the Dementor consumed.

- Voldemort secretly likes to hang out at Muggle traffic light parties because it is the only place where he feels normal.

- At the same time as Hermione set up S.P.E.W (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare) in the Goblet of Fire Bellatrix set up S.I.C - the Serpent Individuality Convention, as she is a firm believer that snakes such as Nagini have personalities, and should be treated as individuals.

- The only reason Dementor's haven't stopped the ice-caps melting is because they can't figure out a people-less route.

- The ghosts don't show up much in the later movie's because Peeves decided to go to McKamey Manor for a laugh, but was then kept prisoner there and made to entertain Muggles as revenge for them not being able to figure out Butterbeer (the other ghosts tried to rescue him and got stuck too.)

- If Hermione had gone to Voldemort whilst disguised as Bellatrix in movie 8, he might have just told her where the Horcruxes are.

- Bellatrix recently got a tattoo of the words WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE on her lower back, because she believes in sex for all, in spite of being insanely evil and racist (I love Bella)

(few random tags in here :')

(btw, I am making this up)

Policeman: On the day in question, what did you have for dinner?

Dementor: The soul of an alcoholic twice-retired vintage shop keeping infidel who thinks he's sexist because he doesn't believe men can sometimes get pregnant.

Policeman: ...

Dementor: I am the only one of my friends who would do it!

Policeman: ...

Dementor: Well, I wanted Birdseye fishfingers but no one would de-freeze them for me!

Policeman: Ok, let's work from the beginning instead. What did you have for breakfast?

Dementor: The soul of a 17 year old Psychopath who used a staple-gun as a hamster castrator who had an orgasm when I sucked her. Soul out, I mean. Obviously.

Policeman: Forget this, I am sending you to a psychiatric hospital.

(also, a spot of Psychology humour, which some will get. :)

I designed these guys whilst bored the other day. They just sort of popped into my head out of nowhere, though I loosely based them on Ron, Harry and Hermione. And by that, I mean they are nothing like them. I just fancied writing an intrepid, but useless, band of Dementor bestfriends whilst giving them the same treatment I gave the Death Eaters (giving them stupid names and making them do stupid things.) This scene starts in the Death Eater headquarters, where our favourite Death Eaters (partly because they are awesome, but partly because we don't really know any others) are playing Dark Souls.

Draco: Father, please can I have a go now?

Lucius: You'll only loose all my health poi - AAARGGH! DEMENTORS!

Dementor 1: Oi. That's a bit rude.

Dementor 2: Yeah, we have names you know.

Draco: Wow, really?!

Bella: That is AWESOME. Tell us, tell us!

Dementor 1: I am Shawskank.

Bella: Am I allowed to laugh?

Shawskank: Course you are. I wrote it to be self-deprecating and silly. In spite of the whole soul sucking business being inherently sexual, I am the only Dementor in Azkaban who is interested in sex.

Bella: Well, unlock my fault and sharpen my sword. Here on the table, half an hour? It'll be AMAZING!

Dementor 2: I guess this is my cue to introduce myself.

Shawskank: Can't you give me a day off?

Dementor 2: I am, ahem, Judas Christ.

Bella: AHAHAHA!

Judas: Not my idea. And I don't even get it. Just because I'm kinda the dark one, I guess. A few weeks ago I was the only one who was willing to suck a Subway-eating porn-watching possibly paedophilic video-gamer guy, while the other 3 disappeared into the wind like...

Gerry: Dementors?

Judas: No! I am the only one of us 3 who is like an actual Dementor, that is the point I am making.

Shawskank: You gotta admit, what you just said sounded sexual. 'suck a Subway-eating, etc, etc guy?'

Judas: Sherbet lemons! You suck those, is that sexual?

Bellatrix: Anything is sexual if you do it right, Judy.

Lucius: Don't take it personally, Judas. She calls me Lucy, it's just what she does.

Bellatrix: Whose the other one?

*Voldemort returns from the loo*

Voldemort: This isn't Oprah, we didn't call them here for their backstories!

Shawskank: Well that's lucky, Gerry here has a long one about the time he was locked in the fridge he would've no doubt bored you with.

Gerry: Don't go there.

Judas: Ignore these two morons, my Lord. Anyway, we're sorry we're late.

Shawskank: Yeah, it was a bit windy.

Voldemort: Windy?! You think I care about that? Where's the BOY?! You know, Harry?!

Shawskank: Oh, him. Well... Gerry?

Gerry: Um, well, we had this plan, where we were going to ambush him when he was in the shower -

Shawskank: Which I was well up for.

Gerry: - you know, so he wouldn't have time to get nervous about us coming for him.

Judas: But then we changed that, because we thought - you know what? The soul sucking thing is sexual enough thanks. So, we waited 20 minutes until he came out, we knew you could wait another 20 my Lord, your patient, you've managed years.

Gerry: But then he came out the bathroom and he was still naked.

Shawskank: So we legged it.

Voldemort: Legged it.

Lucius: I thinks he means they flew away, my Lord.

Voldemort: Yes thank you Lucy, I knew what he meant!

Bellatrix: Yeah, LUCY. I withdraw my earlier offer, Shawskank. You'll have to wait at least an hour now, so nice one.

Voldemort: Why the hell did you two go with him?

Judas: We didn't WANT to. But anything could've happened. He's flying solo, next thing you know, he's miles up in the sky empathising with planes - these slaves of the system, just like him - or signing himself up for a sex offender rehabilitation program.

Shawskank: Actually, that's more likely to be me. Get myself locked up before I can do any harm.

Judas: And then THIS guy went after him. These two, alone? I had to go with them, literally anything could've happened.

Bellatrix: Your an idiot, Shawskank. We don't CONFESS. You have to wait two hours now.

Gerry: That's so mean! I can't watch!

*Gerry flies away, followed by Shawskank and Judas.*

I am currently writing a post featuring my 3 comically useless sexually confused Dementors whom I invented whilst bored on the bus the other day, but that may take me a little while, so I thought I'd post this first because I know I haven't posted anything for a couple of days (been super busy.)

- She has a life-size tattoo of Dumbledore on her back saying Gandelf's famous line: 'You shall not pass!'

- Before this, it was Simon Cowell: 'It's a no from me.'

- Then she replaced it with the words 'your gonna need a bigger ''boat'' mate' in red lettering, floating in the maw of Jaws the shark's mouth.

- After that, it was 'CLOSED FOR CLEANING.'

- And finally, a huge lurid image of Luke and Leia making out.

- On her front, never to be replaced, is the word HERMIOTRIX written over her collar bone in big gothic black lettering, intertwined with snakes. And under that an equally lurid image of her and Hermione from movie 8 (sure you know what I mean) with the speech bubble: 'I found my sword now!'

She also has the names of the other Death Eaters (my silly Death Eater names) on her right inner forearm: Lucy (Lucius), The Hair of Slytherin (Draco), Mulan (Snape), Wade (Voldemort, so named after Deadpool), Pie-face (Pius), and then at the bottom an arrow pointing to her back where she and Narcissa have appeared and are now having a 4-way with Luke and Leia.

 Because she's depraved, but has a sense of humour :) (in case your wondering - she is my favourite HP character, and I am Bellamione/Hermiotrix all the way.)

(fallen prey to random tagging again :')

The original post only has US helplines. I've added UK helplines underneath. It would be great if people could add numbers from everywhere in the world.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected]

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected]

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected]

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected]

b-eat youthline (for under 25's with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected]

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected]

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7

suicide hotlines;

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Romania: 0800-801-200

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

(I go a bit nuts with the power of tagging now and then :’) (my pissy computer doesn't let me divide dialogue into separate lines - sorry)

.The tragedy of this is that a lot of them seem like good ideas. (I think I may have mentioned a couple of these before, but new ones too.) but their other ideas are obviously terrible... and Bellatrix just, like, gate-crashes everything. The reason they are trying these jobs is because Voldemort blew their Stalking Harry Fund on a nose-job (I will never get tired of those last 9 words.)

- The Dementors as Baptists (because they are Death Eaters now.) Horrible idea for obvious reasons. 

- Lucius as a Father (this is a job people.) Just as bad. It wasn’t ‘go sit on the naughty step’ it was ‘go to Azkaban.’ Then Draco was locked in the store-cupboard and the heating was turned off. (he’s a bastard but he deserves sympathy!)

- Pius, as a speaking SATNAV. Awful idea. ‘Turn left here. I think. But thoughts are subjective.’ ‘There are many turnings, but whether yours is among them is unclear.’

- Pius, as a children’s story orator. Even more awful. ‘He loved her very much. He thinks, but thoughts are subjective.’ ‘He sees a unicorn. Or maybe it is just a horned-horse -’ and at that point, Bellatrix: ‘a HORNY horse’ and they got fired.

- Pius, as a politician. Seems like a good idea. However, he’s not racist enough for the BMP since his best mate is green (then Bella comes up to Paul Nuttall - ‘come on Paul, let’s nut them all!’ and seals the deal.) He’s too inclusive for the Toris (friends with part wolves, and green men.) 

- Bellatrix will become a novelist and call her series ‘The Adventures of Andrex and Hairlock’, involving her and Hermione solving crimes. Ironic, but seems like a good idea. However, her favourite phrase - ‘SUDDEN SEX SCENE!’ cropped up far too often, leading them to missing vital clues and getting arrested themselves for lewd conduct in Seattle. 

- Lucius and Draco, working on the Harry Potter tour. Um, good? No, bad. Draco pointed out that the Butterbeer was just pop. It turned out not to be pop but Lucius felt bad, drank it all, and then was sacked for drinking on the job.

- Lucius, working at the sea life centre. No idea. Terrible, had a massive affinity for all the sucky-up creatures like limpets, forgot to feed the sharks. Then overfed the sharks and killed them.

- Bellatrix, as a policewoman. Hell yes. No, fired on the first day. Was overly fond of the phrase ‘its ok, I've got your cell number’ and took ‘establishing rapport’ too far. Hit people with a truncheon that turned out to be squeaky, got super mad and threw a chair at her boss. Strip-teased the CCTV camera.

- Bellatrix, as a doctor. LOL! Fired again. (’your now under arrest. Cardiac arrest.’ Then she winked.) 

- Narcissa, on the Apprentice. Should’ve been excellent and won. However Lord Sugar wanted someone with a bit of fire in their belly, not someone who looks like they’ve downed a ton of haloperidol.

- Draco, working at a haunted house, Got scared. Felt sorry for the worms he was tipping on people. 

- Draco, as a house husband (because that’s a job now.) Wanted to live in a house with Harry. Cute. But eventually kicked out for being incapable of reading to their child, Drarry, because every time he read about unicorns having ‘horns’ he got embarrassed and was scared off from reading anymore. Neither of them would go near any cupboards either, so the whole thing was a fail. 

- Draco, a movie extra. Kept leaning INTO shots. 

- Bellatrix, advertising a coffee shop. Er? Wore a ‘caution! Hot contents’ costume. Would bribe guys to go to the coffee shop with offer of coffee with her... PASS! 

During movie 6 at some point in the intervening seconds between seeing Ron snogging on the steps with Harry - yes, you read that correctly - and punching Lavender in the face for hitting on her men (yes, her MEN) Hermione thought - hey, where is my dramatic and sexy moment? I am the best looking of this trio, I am the smartest, and they wouldn't last a day without me. And with that she proceeds to the Astronomy Tower. 

Earlier, on the steps...

Hermione: What’s with the bir - hey, what the hell are you two doing?

Harry: Um, practising. 

Ron: Yeah, he had some toothpaste on his face. 

Hermione: Are you sure it wasn't Draco’s toothpaste, Ronald? You’ve gone horrifyingly off-script. And where are the birds?

Harry: They’re coming, I expect. They’ll want to take photos for their Tumblrs... Hey, what’s our ship-name again? 

Ron: Hey, Hermione. You’re a bird. 

Harry: OMG your right! With boobs and everything!

Ron: WOW, is that in the script?! 

Hermione: I’m off. Carry on doing whatever you’re not doing. And by that, I mean, follow me right the fuck now.

Later, on the Astronomy Tower...

Bellatrix: They didn't follow me. I can’t believe it. They didn't follow me!

End of part 1 :)

So, I thought this would be a fun one to write since I accidentally wrote a stellar example of Draco trying to be Lucius, and epically failing whilst revealing his gay-ness at the same time. For the record, I have no problem with gay-ness (I am bi!) I just find this stuff a laugh to write.

‘Believe me, take absolutely no pleasure in being inside you. Your school! I take absolutely no pleasure in being inside your school!’

‘My Father thinks you won’t last 10 minutes in this tournament. I. I think you won’t cost 5.’

‘Oh yeah, she was dead before you I could wipe the come off your chin!’ 

‘I won’t flirt, Father, there’s no need with these people.’

‘Oh no, Potter! You’ve got yourself a girlfriend!’

‘Earlier I heard a strange revving sound. Maybe it was you, trying to neatly escape on a Segway. Well, that ain’t happening, because you have a whole page of exposition to get through.’

Me, in my English exam :’) 

(really went for it with the tags on this one... :’)

They also heckle each other, at the same time. It’s quite a skill. (I’m sorry if any of this upsets or offends anyone, I am just being silly, but I have a rubbish radar for that kind of thing even though I am a Hufflepuff at heart!)

Snape: And now, ‘Alice the Amazing.’ Oh dear, are you a divorced creatively-bankrupt femi-nazi, who’s come to amateur wrestle a pole for 500 quid while your kids - who aren’t even allowed to play props in school nativities - make their own sandwiches?

Bella: I’ll wrestle YOUR pole for 500 quid!

Snape: We mustn’t touch what we can’t afford, Bella. 

Bella: Oooh, haha. How much then? 501? 

Voldemort: Anyone else wondering how Lucius got Narcissa right now? LOL. Call in the loan sharks! 

Pius: At some point, before you started taking your kid’s ADHD tablets no doubt, you must have believed this was an ‘Amazing’ idea. Well, to that I have only one thing to say - the fact that you had an idea is suggestive of thought, but the fact that the thought was in your own head suggests a lack of objectivity. 

Bella: Also, your pole Pie-face. Yeah, I can objectively check that you have one for you.

Pius: I doubt you could remain objective.

Bella: Ooooh, haha. You should bin this off and get a job as a speaking SATNAV. It would be hilarious. 

Snape: I wouldn't mind him at a party, either. ‘Here, have this cocktail, it’s the best. Or is it? I am not going to let you have either until I have conducted a proper objective blind-folded experiment into this.’ 

Bartimus Crouch (as Mad-Eye Moody): THERESA MAY THINKS YOUR TOO STUPID TO GET INTO ONE OF HER 11+ GRAMMAR SCHOOLS! WE SAY DIFFERENT! WE SAY YOUR TOO STUPID TO KNOW WHAT A GRAMMAR SCHOOL IS! WHICH SUCKS FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED! YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOUR UP AGAINST! 

Bella: I’ll get into one of YOUR 11+ grammar scho... ok forget that. Has your pole seen much action lately, Batty?

Bartimus Crouch (as Mad-eye Moody): DON’T CALL ME NAMES! I CAN HEAR ACROSS STRIP-CLUBS! 

Bella: Bartimus ‘Croch.’ 

Bartimus Crouch (as Mad-Eye Moody): SHE COULD STRIKE AT ANY TIME! INSULTS AND COME-ONS AT THE SAME TIME! CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Bella: Mad-Eye Moddy. 

Voldemort: LOL, Bella. You two totally should hook-up - he’s the only one as nuts as you are.

Pius: ‘Nuts’ is a subjective concept. You would need a psychiatrist, and even then, I would suggest a second opinion, as psychiatrists are only human too and possibly just want to ditch their supply of medication before they start self-medicating for their own mental illnesses, because that is a dangerous business even for professionals.

Snape: Pius, have you ever considered writing a Mr Men spin-off series? 

Bella: This is so much fun! Where’s Lucy and the Hair of Slytherin?

*Gay by Electric 6 plays right on cue. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49rhRF4bkf8 *

Draco: Believe me, I take absolutely no pleasure in being inside you.

Nightclub Owner: WHAT?!

Draco: Your! I meant your! Your club! You call this a club?! 

Lucius: Stop trying to be me, Draco. It’s embarrassing.

Draco: Shut up. Your status was dead before you could wipe the... you know what off your chin.

Lucius: Let’s just go and find the others before this gets even weirder.

Lucius: You call that a move?! My gay son could do better playing Just Dance whilst drunk! Incidentally, he does a killer Toxic...

Bella: Oooh, show us show us!

Draco: NO BELLA. 

Bella: Go on, I’ll kill YOUR Toxic... Damn, that didn't work either.

Voldemort: This head-canon thing is a going on a bit long isn't it? I feel we should wrap this one up. 

Pius: It is difficult to gauge what ‘too long’ is my Lord, without conducting a proper standardised questionnaire into the issue, but I too am concerned about the length. 

Bella: That’s what she said. Bye Alice! I think you were Amazing!

The people I share a table with in my class are all Potterheads. Every spare minute, we talk about Harry Potter. Our teacher is very cold, sardonic, and generally Snape-like... if Severus Snape looked like Grace Kelly resurrected (seriously, half the guys in my year fancy her.) I kinda love her myself, though I’m not really sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her ringtone is Iron Butterfly. Maybe it’s because she NEVER projects. Even when she’s angry she never raises her voice. If someone’s phone PINGS she goes - ‘ooh, someone’s had an idea!’ then gives the offending person a death-glare. She also has quite an odd manner. There is something a bit Luna-ish about her too. Our door is crap. It sometimes swings open on it’s own and whenever it does she says - ‘it’s the Psychology ghost! Come in, sit down’ in the same weird affected way every time. Today, I found a note written from her to a student of Animal Care, jokingly - but terrifyingly - threatening them. For what, I have no idea. I decided to rewrite it for fun (also in case she ever reads this somehow... but the Grace Kelly thing will save me.)

Dear student 214 (that’s Kayla Louise Byron)

If you repeat Wednesday’s performance, you will be locked in the store-cupboard, alone, with instructions on how to conduct an ethical rat castration under proper scientific conditions, along with the school hamster Sigmund. If, by the end of three weeks, you have gotten bored enough to attempt this procedure, you will be expelled, no doubt extradited by your social group, and possibly sent to a juvenile detention facility for animal abuse. (there is no way you can ethically castrate a hamster with a six year old staple-gun.) 

See me in the store-cupboard for a chat.

Love,

Professor Snap. (what I call her in my head.)

P.S If your wondering what you’d be dining on in the store-cupboard, it’s scraps of poorly written essays on the pathology of sex offenders by first year students.

P.P.S You are actually one of my favourite students. So, if you ARE sent to a juvenile detention facility, I will visit you. Bringing Sigmund with me.

Again, she didn't write this, but it is exactly the sort of thing she would write, featuring ‘see me in the store-cupboard for a chat’ (a phrase I have heard her use) and the unnerving switch from intense and threatening to chilled and friendly. (We love you, Professor Snap.)

later... 

Neville: AAAARRGGHH, GET ME DOWN!  

Chandelier: How do you think I feel?!