when i first started writing fanfiction i was around in 5th or 6th grade. and then i joined tumblr around 9th or 10th grade. it’s been a roller coaster ever since with more fond memories than icky ones, and i’m very grateful for the fun threads and cool people i’ve had the pleasure to write with. i used to have a very dark mindset, and writing was my escape. i got professional help, and slowly my activity on tumblr started to grew more and more distant. dazai was my last “disturbed” muse that i wrote, and that i could escape into. i’ve tried coming back a handful of times, to dazai or to my other muses, but i just can’t.

tumblr as a site has changed a lot since my teenage years, and i have as well. i don’t think about self harm anymore. i don’t need these characters to escape my hell irl anymore. even just typing all this out, being vulnerable, gives me anxiety. but, i don’t feel the need to hide away anymore, and mask with my favorite characters. i don’t have that same mindset as i did when i was a teenager/just becoming an adult to jump on, spend all day here, and rinse and repeat. i have bad days still, but now i have a group of very supportive friends that i can lean on. 

sometimes i do miss writing. and i’ve tried writing on here. but i don’t see it happening anymore. if i were to continue writing, it’d be on ao3. 

i won’t delete my blogs, because looking through them i actually felt proud of myself. there’s been a lot of shit that i’ve overcome, a lot of shit i’m still actively dealing with, but i can say that i did it all on my own. my blogs will be a reminder to myself that i came a very long way. and they’ll be archived into a little corner that’s very personal to me.

“  i’ve polished this anger and now it’s a knife.  ” 

“  i’m fine, i’ve had worse.  ”

“  death too must be earned.  ”

“  how do you destroy a monster without becoming one ?  ”

“  am i a bad person ?  ”

“  family isn’t who you’re born with, it’s who you’d die for.  ” 

“  are you flirting or starting a fight ?  ”

“  i’ll survive, somehow i always do.  ”

“  um.. that’s my emotional support knife collection.  ”

“  tell me; would you kill to save a life ?  ”

“  i am someone who did not die when they should of.  ”

“  i’ve never been good at emotional stuff. except anger. i’m good at anger.  ”

“  you can’t protect everyone !  ”

“  i have to try.  ”

“  turn the pain into power.  ” 

“  what doesn’t kill me better run.  ”

“  are monster born or created ?  ”

“  chin up kid, they’d kill to see you fall.  ”

“  if he puts his hands on you, cut them off.  ”

“  i could keep you safe. they’re all afraid of me.  ”

“  don’t play games with me. don’t ever think you’re capable of that.  ”

“  the question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.  ”

“  something had made your eyes go cold.  ”

“  you haven’t even seen my bad side yet.  ”

“  everybody knows that i’m a mess.  ”

“  i’m sorry i let you down.  ”

“  well, if it isn’t the feeling i was trying to avoid.  ”

“  you are not your father.  ”

“  even on your bad days, be kind.  ”

“  you don’t want me and i need to accept that.  ”

“  stay gentle. everyone is at war.  ”

“  the risk i took was calculated. but clearly i am bad at maths.  ”

“  i wonder which will get you killed faster, your loyalty or your stubbornness ?  ”

“  always be a little kinder than necessary.  ”

“  kind words cost nothing.  ”

“  i am being perfectly fucking civil.  ”

“  we’ll never be those kids again.  ”

“  i’m the original family disappointment.  ”

“  if karma doesn’t hit you, i fucking will.  ”

“  if you can’t be happy, at least you can be drunk.  ”

“  you can talk to me, or not talk to me, but i’m here.  ”

“  guess you’ll just have to fight me.  ”

“  i never asked to be like this.  ”

send  one  of  these  in  to  see  my  muse’s  reaction  (  add “ +reverse”  for  my  muse  to  do  the  action  to  yours ) .

[ crawl ]  for  your  muse  to  crawl  into  bed  with  mine .

[ flower ]  for  your  muse  to  offer  my  muse  their  favourite  flower .

[ slow dance ]  for  your  muse  to  ask  my  muse  to  slow  dance .

[ gift ]  for  your  muse  to  surprise  my muse  with  a  gift  ( & bonus if you add what the fit is ) .

[ homemade gift ]  for  your  muse  to  make  my  muse  a  gift    ( & bonus if you add what the fit is ) .

[ serenade ]  for  your  muse  to  sing  to  my  muse .

[ embrace ]  for  your  muse  to  pull  my  muse  into  a  tight  embrace .

[ caress ]  for  your  muse  to  gently  run  their  hand  down  my  muse’s  face .

[ caught ]  for  your  muse  to  catch  my  muse  wearing  their  shirt .

[ love letter ]  for  your  muse  to  give  my  muse  a  love  letter  they  wrote  for  them

[ boop ]  for  your  muse  to  boop  my  muse  on  the  nose .

[ date? ]  for  your  muse  to  ask  my  muse  to  go  on  a  date .

[ confess ]  for  your  muse  to  confess  their  feelings  to  my  muse .