in which i process my thoughts on AODB’s new success
I’m well aware that I’m never on this website anymore, and I’m also pretty sure that none of you want to hear about my anxiety, but I need to shout into a void somewhere so here we go!!
Since AN ORCHID DARKLY BLOOMING was featured on Wattpad’s Editor’s Choice list a week ago, it has skyrocketed from about 1,000 reads to 8,000. Every time I’ve logged into Wattpad since the feature I am inundated with likes, reading list notifs, and comments. Which is so awesome, and totally blows my mind. I can’t believe people are really reading and enjoying my work.
No, really. I literally can’t believe it. I keep waiting for someone to comment something nasty, or downright cruel. I seesaw between “8k isn’t really even that many people, calm tf down” and “Wtf hahahah I do not deserve this many readers, my story isn’t even that good” Which is... not fun??
In terms of plot, AODB is a story of one young woman’s self-actualization and finding love in a steampunk paranormal setting. In terms of world-building, the metaphors are pretty clear: the vampires are in power, physically and economically draining the rest of the population, and they need to be overthrown. (I mean, come on, the classes are literally divided into three sectors in the city...?) In terms of character development, Esther learns how to channel her rage in order to accept love.
Wait, what? You may be thinking. That’s dark af. Why would someone need to feel rage in a journey to love...?
Ah. Haha. Because it is not just Esther’s story. It’s mine! Surprise! Overcoming trauma through writing it in a metaphor! Doing it over and over again until I conquer my past!
I have been dealing with anger and rage in unhealthy ways my entire life. Through codependence, an eating disorder that I am still struggling with, an unhealthy and honestly very weird relationship with silence, people pleasing as a way of life, a phobia of driving, etc., etc., etc. It all comes back to the root of anger. This is why I get so pissed off when people say shit like “Anger is sad’s bodyguard (:” or “Anger is a secondary emotion, what are you REALLY feeling??”
I am angry about SOOOOooooOSSSOOOO much shit in the world right now; both in the world as a whole and the world as in my world. I am angry and in that I understand Esther’s desperation, her hatred, her manipulation. I understand where she’s coming from. I feel for her.
I’m not saying you have to understand the metaphorical implications of AODB to enjoy it as a book. I just wanted young women to see that fury, darkness, and desperate sadness does not make them lesser than -- and that a good partner will fight alongside them, instead of against them. That a good partner will honor their rage for what it is. That a good partner will never make them feel afraid. That a good partner would never lie, or manipulate, or hurt them.
I’m rambling now, so let me circle back around. What I’m basically trying to say is, this is all I’ve wanted for a long time -- a lot longer than the two years I’ve been on Wattpad. Now that it’s actually happening, it feels surreal and undeserved, even though I know I exhausted myself over this book for a year and a half.
Bottom line? I know it’s good. I am proud of it. I want to shout it from the rooftops that I did this, I wrote this amazing thing and I didn’t compromise for anyone and now it’s doing Things out in the world!! ... but my fear that I will be seen as ‘too much’ is excruciating. I feel as though I simultaneously need to do so much more (write faster, make better moodboards, answer messages, etc) and do less (shut up about the viewership, stop forcing giveaways on people, stop posting about its success)
So... I’ll take a page (har, har) from Esther’s book and speak honestly.
Yeah. I wrote a book! It’s doing pretty well. I am happy about it and I deserve to be happy about it. It is the genre I have always dreamed of writing, and I didn’t sacrifice my vision. I wrote the book I needed to write. If I keep saying it, I will believe it, I will manifest the feeling of deservedness. I should be proud! Yes, I wrote a book...
