Jovana

AFTG AU where Neil and Mary are still on the run, but Neil itches to write his experiences down.

He wonders if getting everything out would make him feel seen and understood or at least less lonely, if he could leave something tangible behind (before death finally catches up to him).

He buys a simple, gray notebook he keeps hidden at all times in Mary's presence, and he only takes it out when he's absolutely sure he's alone.

Neil writes about a boy on the run, accompanied by his mother, but details are blurry and nonsensical to most.

The whole piece is riddled with metaphors and references and secrets that are ridiculously hard to decode because as thrilled as Neil is about writing a book about his life, he's still paranoid Moriyamas may somehow get ahold of it.

When Mary inevitably finds out, she is horrified: her son has been collecting incriminating evidence and leaving a trace that would get them killed.

She orders him to burn it before storming out to light a cigarette.

Neil somehow manages to leave the notebook behind in California without Mary noticing.

(Cue in Andrew who just came out of juvie)

Before leaving California he stops by for coffee and finds a gray notebook on one of the shelves.

The notebook is unassuming and simple in its design, but Andrew takes it with him anyway.

He reads it, and he becomes absolutely enthralled by it. 

The author's writing style is amateurish but captivating and the more he reads, the more seen and understood he feels.

The main character feels untethered and unmoored and Andrew is oh so familiar with that feeling, with the lack of stability and permanence.

Familiar with craving something you can't have.

The plot of the book is so outrageous and impossible that Andrew knows it has to be based on someone's life, and whoever that person is, Andrew feels connected to them like he never has to anyone before. 

While reading and rereading and practically sleeping with the book, he manages to unlock its secrets bit by bit, but it still feels like something is missing.

The book is unfinished, the last page describing a rainy day in California and the main character's anguish (the reasons remain unknown).

Andrew is almost vibrating with desire to find out what happens next, and even he is surprised by the amount of interest he's showing in this book. Rarely anything can hold his interest this long nowadays.

But alas, he doesn't know who wrote it and he probably never will (he ignores the pang in his chest at the thought).

God knows if that guy is still alive. 

After graduating, Andrew manages to publish the book but refuses to take credit for it.

Both the unnamed author and the boy in the book, probably the same person, are unreachable and presumably dead already.

Andrew publishes the book under a pseudonym-Pipedream.

He soon starts college and doesn't think much of it, tries not to think about it, but the book is becoming quite popular. 

Andrew listens to his colleagues discuss the book and crimes described within it with a disinterested face.

The original notebook is always with him, tucked close to his person at all times. 

Then Neil Josten shows up and he's flighty and suspicious and Andrew doesn't trust him one bit.

He's going through Neil's stuff in hopes of finding something incriminating when he stumbles across a familar notebook.

When he opens the first page, he's met with the same writing he's gotten so used to seeing.

With the same character he's grown so attached to. (Only he doesn't recognize the first paragraph (and the second. and the third. and the rest.))

Andrew is so taken aback by this revelation he can't manage to confront Neil about it.

The author was supposed to be unattainable and untouchable and far, far away.

The author was supported to be dead. 

After making a deal with Neil and introducing the "truth for truth" game, Andrew begins to slowly unravel Neil and compares his truths to what is written in the book (the similarities are uncanny).

Then one day he brings out Neil's old notebook and it's obvious how much Andrew loves it:

Pages are battered and torn, the spine is broken and falling apart but Andrew cradles it like it's something precious, something that should be handled with utmost care.

Neil LOSES it. 

On the bus on their way to Bighamnton University, Neil gives Andrew the second notebook, this one in a much better condition then the first one.

He tells Andrew how he started writing again after settling down in Millport, and how he couldn't help but mourn his lost notebook. He had still hoped somebody would find it and remember him, but with time those dreams diminished.

He tells Andrew to open the first page and read who the book is dedicated to.

"To the person who gave me a key and called it home: throughout my life I've met plenty of monsters - those who harmed me purposely and cruelly, who hurt me for the sake of hurting me, for their sick pleasure and insatiable desire to wound and destroy. You were never one of them. You are not a monster, and that's coming from a monster himself."

Andrew was too stunned to speak or even consider asking why this feels like a goodbye.

Now, as he holds Neil's precious duffle bag in one hand and the second notebook in the other, he finally understands.

He doesn't need to choke the answers out of Kevin this time because the notebook is full of truths Kevin could never know, and Andrew now has the key to decoding all of them.

Flipping through the pages furiously, he finally lands on the last page and his lungs collapse when he realizes that it has death written all over it - Neil wrote his own death certificate, and it's dedicated to Andrew. 

After the nightmare that was Baltimore, when Neil comes back alive and as stupid as ever (and Andrew finally manages to take a steady breath), Andrew gives him the second notebook back, but not before tearing the last ten pages off and ripping them apart right in front of Neil.

Neil sheepishly takes the notebook back and promises to write a better, more accurate ending.