Que sera sera

Ngl I felt his eye on me. His gaze. I know my gut and he is still interested and intrigued and it almost made me laugh. I’m trying not to be bitchy but he was all over other random girls and it felt so fucken good to not care to see the actual growth happening in front of my eyes and that life is so good and you truly deserve therapy, and patience l, and focusing on yourself and what you want and want makes you happy before you meet someone or you bring that energy to your life. And I promise more than anything I fucken love him I love Clark. And it’s the best feeling in the world to love someone and miss them and feel that they are everything and no one not even the person that you felt the most connected to compares.

- I still miss you after 8 months so wtf do I do about it?

I find myself pondering on this exact moment a lot lately. How feelings can fluctuate so drastically. Not just the people I am meeting but also my own feelings. It’s hard to truly understand your feelings especially when you’re going through a lot of them for different people at the exact same time. I’m usually one to tear apart my feelings, but recently I’ve been confused by them. Almost not trusting my gut or trusting how I feel. Because there are days where I feel like my heart is about to explode for someone and the next they barely even phase me. It scares me that I feel this way, but what truly scared me the most is if someone I truly care about ends up feeling that same way about me. Life is freaken weird.

It’s long, overwhelming, straining, and exhausting days like today where I got home and what I wanted more than anything was to see you laying in my bed, waiting for me, and having you put your arms around me when I finally laid down. Instead I got home to a dark room, an untouched bed and you nowhere in site. Long days like today make me really fucken miss you.

I remember the exact moment when I began thinking about seeing you again. I feel like I thought about it so much before i went to bed, I would spend more time tossing and turning trying to figure out how I should react when I see you than sleeping. I replayed made up moments in my head, thinking I would try to kiss you any chance that I got, obnoxiously jump and tackle you, make you laugh till you could no longer move and just love you. Make you feel like you’re flying give you that over the head overwhelmingly happy kind of feeling. I would grab your face a little faster, kiss you a little slower, trace my finger down your nose and to your mouth when you are laying next to me in bed. I would hold your hand a little tighter, give you hugs that were wider, tell you how much you fucken mean to me. Whisper in your ear how much you truly mean to me. And how I wish I could wake up and trace my finger down your nose to your mouth, catch videos of you even though you don’t like being surprised, yell at you for making feel crazy, but kiss you longer after we made up so I could memorize the rhythm of your mouth against mine. I pictured us running out of a taxi while it’s raining, laughing so hard to get to your floor then sneaking in the elevator as we did before. You would pull my hair behind my ear, kiss my neck and grab my waist before we went up to you apartment. We would spend all morning laughing out loud and all night kissing and sharing secrets under the covers before we fell asleep, with my head laid on your chest. Instead...instead. I didn’t grab your face a little faster, kiss you a little slower, tell you how much you fucken mean to me. I avoided it when you asked me how I felt about you, denied that we would ever work out, tell you I might never see you again. sabotage everything I love, everything I care about. Nothings changed. But now I’m in my bed where I started off thinking about you and how I would react when I saw you again. And I want to scream because i care so much but i guard my heart more. And i wish more than anything I could tell you how I feel and show you how I really am. Not this insecure emotional person you have seen a lot of the last year. I’m in a constant battle with myself wanting to rip my heart out to give to you but also building walls up and not letting you know how I truly feel about you. until I’m 5 drinks in and I don’t have any self control and I drunk text you and halfheartedly tell you how much “you mean to me”. Sometimes I really hate this. I hate how back and forth I am. The only thing that keeps me going is the first few moments when I was laying in bed with you. And I was mad at you so I closed my eyes and you asked me if I was okay and I quietly said yes, falling asleep slowly. And you turned your back to me until a few minutes later you said “thank you”. I didn’t hesitate and said “for what?” “for everything”. That’s when I surprised myself and put my arms around you, kissed your back and squeezed you. I think about that moment often. How mad I was and frustrated with you. But how happy you make me feel. I woulda stayed in the moment forever. But now I’m laying in my bed thinking if you’re thinking of me. God I miss you.

I started this blog for a safe place to jot down my feelings the exact moment I was feeling it. Sometimed it didn’t make any sense and it was random words jumbled together. Then there were times where they made complete sense and go through the motions again and feel like I’m in that exact moment feeling the same feelings. It’s been awhile since I’ve written. You know, life gets really busy and you forget to jot down really good moments so you can come back and relive them and sometimes even in more difficult times you have a really great group of girlfriends to help you get through those times and you forget to jot it down once more. Honestly, life has been pretty wonderful the last year. Of course you’ll always have its twist and turns, friendships come and go, crushes and the strong feelings you have for people come and go, life takes you to a different direction, people move on, you move on, life moves on. But I always like to come back to it all. Just to get even a small glimpse of joy or sadness to remind myself that hey you had a hard time or hey life was good then and there are still moments in your life that will be harder or will be more impactful and joyful and they have yet to come. And that makes me want to ugly cry but also jump up and down. Life is weird and beautiful and scary and I’m so excited for this new chapter. Because this is a new chapter. I can feel it. And I can’t wait to come back a year later, 5 years later and go read about how I was and how much I’ve changed. Here goes nothing.

I knew better. I always knew better. But here I am twiddling my thumbs wishing my mind and my heart would actually agree with one another. Gosh, I’m the worst.

It’s hard for me to put it all into words. Maybe it’s because i still don’t understand why i feel the way I feel or why it’s stuck for so long. All I know is that i care too much when I shouldn’t and I crave what i can’t have. I’ve always want to be challenged and I thrive in moments where you want to throw up from the excitement and thrill of it all. I wish I didn’t feel this way, I wish more than anything that it would just dissolve into thin air; that I could wake up and be certain I don’t care anymore about him. And even when I know he’s not worth my time or effort, I sit here and wish more than anything that it would finally work, it would work with me and a guy I really like. But it doesn’t always work the way you want it, does it?

And I thank God everyday that he taught me that lesson and opened my eyes to the reality of this thing that isn’t a thing but i have built and romanticized in my head for the last couple of months. This isn’t supposed to last. And this is just a friendly reminder to myself that it’s ok to realize that, just don’t let it get to you. And don’t forget that this is a lesson to be learned, a story I will one day laugh and talk about, and to learn to be open to new things and new experiences. But don’t ever forget that, especially when you feel like falling. Don’t fall.