kinda love

His blue eyes. His bear hugs. His smirk. His smile. His laughter. Today is definitely one of my “Best Days of My Life” days.

Summarizing my path to Allah won’t be easy, so many aspects both big and little have impacted my journey so far.

I come from a Christian family who doesn’t practice the religion much. As a child this never bothered me; I was too young to even grasp the importance of religion. I have always believed in God but didn’t think much else. As I got older I started to question religion; I would go to church and try to understand this connection that I heard people talk about. I didn’t find it, I didn’t feel it. I felt like I was trying so hard to believe in something that didn’t make any sense to me.. Which is when I then came up with the thought that religion was man made. I had this mindset for a few years and my life went downhill as my teenage years went on. I felt like a prisoner in my own thoughts, suffering from anxiety and depression. There were times were I wanted more than anything to simply end my life.. When you don’t have anything to stand by, to have faith in.. I would think to myself, what’s the point of even living. I went on like this for quite some time. I started getting into drugs, skipping school, started to completely lose myself. I allowed myself to get mixed in with the wrong group of people; females who stabbed me in the back, and guys who simply wanted to take advantage. On top of that my relationship with my parents and family was at an all time low due to all of this and I didn’t know how to make this downward spiral end.

Within my junior year of high school I made a very close friend who is Muslim. I never understood many things about her life.. Like why she couldn’t stay out late, why she had all these rules to follow, etc. So I began researching Islam out of pure curiosity. The more I read, the more I fell in love.. I truly wanted to revert the very first day I started researching. But I decided I needed to learn more. Two years later I was still researching and falling in love with Islam, yet I still didn’t let go of any of my previous haram habits. The more I learned about Islam, and the closer I got to Allah I started to feel guilty about all these bad habits I had. I hadn’t said my shahada but in my heart, I felt like I was a Muslim.. And a bad one at that. The guilt began eating me alive to the point where whenever I did something haram, I would cry about it. I prayed for Allah to give me the strength to let go of this unfulfilling life I was living.

Days and months went by.. And I simply couldn’t stand this un fulfillment in my heart. I woke up one day and felt like I couldn’t function properly until I officially declared my faith in Islam and to Allah. I felt like I had this new strength and guidance in my heart. I got in touch with my local Imam and said my shahada 2 days later. Mashallah it was the most beautiful day of my life. I felt like I truly became a new person, as all my previous sins were washed away I promised myself to never step off this path Allah is guiding me through. Now here I am, only 4 days later feeling as though Allah is everything I’ve always needed in my life. Here I am wearing a hijab because I can’t picture myself any other way. Here I am feeling happier than I ever thought I could. Alhamdulilah