Kim in Wander Land

It's been seven weeks since I found out. It's been three weeks since you mistakenly called me by her name. It's been seven weeks since I started moving on and quite doing it well. But it only took you one quick conversation to crush what I had worked on. I called you and asked for a talk. We talked, not of what had happened but what I needed you to stop doing for me to get better. I told you honestly, how I genuinely wanted to move forward. How I was tired to feel anything for you. You said you understood. I hope so. You held my hand, you gaze at me a few times - I didn't want to stare back for too long in fear that my heart would soften. It was bittersweet. It was too bittersweet, but all I can do now is hope that my decision is what's best for me.

- I hope that the time would come that we completely won't cross paths again. Coz you are a constant reminder on how stupid I could be.

You don't know how glad I am lately that you are thousands of miles away from me. Stay where you are for a little bit longer to give me that chance to fully recover. I am so relieve that I don't have to worry about seeing you with a weak heart. I hope that once you come back and we cross paths again, I'm already at a better phase.

Thank you for being there for me when there's no one to run to. The truth is, I have friends and family that could listen. But how could I tell them the same thing over and over again? I eff it up all the time and it's all on the same pattern. There must be something wrong with me. I know there's something wrong with me. Few people had come and go and I still don't know how to make the better choices. I think I'm so strong surviving repeated pain, but truth be told, I'm weak coz I keep running on the same circles.

I completely lost myself loving him. And until now, I couldn't find the exact words to express how I feel. There's a lot of emotions going inside this emptiness. 💀

Escaping. Yes I am. Because I can't handle the pain. I haven't accepted it yet. I'm thinking, that if I'm miles away from you, if I won't be able to run to you, maybe... Just maybe, I could force myself more to accept the fact that there's no more us. That we aren't each others' future. One day soon, I'll be over this as I'm sure that fine days are coming.

The long weekend had passed by. For three days, I pushed myself for a lot of physical activities. Dragon boat rowing in the morning then badminton in the afternoon, and I didn't let myself rest in between. But the thing is, the physical pain is still not enough to cover up the emotional pain. I'm losing deeper and I don't want me to be this way.

No bluffing! I'm not gonna insist, beg, argue, fight or talk. It is hard for everyone, please be fair and take the time to think. I want you to be there with me at the end of the tunnel, but if you choose otherwise, this time I'm gonna take it better. Just promise that there's no bluffing. Stop leading on everyone.

You should really stop leading me on. Its either you love me or you don't. There's nothing in between, whoever says so is a real f*cker.

Be strong.