Winter: Declaration of Dependence
"…and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, 'My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.'
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
Branches of encumbrance, insecurity and uncertainty hovered high over my head – stemming from giant trees of circumstance and plight. The sun was inconspicuously placed behind overcast clouds of grey and white. Hues of red, yellow and green that once bounced off the sun’s rays onto autumn leaves were now withering to a faded brown. Plummeting temperatures continued downward like a free fall not to strip me of comfort - but to teach me how to appreciate the Warmth that was present all along. On the coldest days of winter, my Warmth was found in 2 Corinthians 12:9.
In retrospect I know it was not by accident that I started my career in a role with the nature of drastic change every six months. A new job, manager, city, apartment, circle of friends, church, and hair stylist… an entire change of pace several times for two years straight. It was not a reminder - but a new lesson each rotation about why I did NOT have life figured out. Why I would be completely in over my head to think for a split second that I could accomplish anything lucrative within the small confinement of my own abilities. Why the very breath I exhaled was actually dependent on something – some One bigger than just the two lungs in my body. And so, each rotation was a declaration of dependence. John 15:5 is pretty clear:
“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing.”
So, it was time to start from scratch. Again. The movers cleared out my apartment in Nowhere, Tennessee as I packed the few remaining valuables in the back of my Honda Accord. I made an 11-hour trek from Selmer, TN to Houston, TX for my second role as an Engineering IT Security Projects Leader. On day one of the job, that title seemed so daunting to me. How on earth was I supposed to lead a team of well-seasoned engineers when I was only seven months deep into my IT career? Though I knew very little on day one, I learned so much about IT security & risk, engineering, and finance during that rotation. It was trial by fire. Challenges at work lead me to prayer over and over again. I knew I needed Help to deliver the results expected of me. Life on my own continued to provide nothing but space and opportunity to get to know the Lord and trust Him for myself.
Before I knew it, it was time to submit preferences for my next role. For once I did not care what my responsibilities would be or what my title was. I had a serious case of home-sickness and (I thought) the cure was living in a city with a short, drive-able distance back to Atlanta. "Lord, I really have no idea where I'm supposed to go next", I said as I threw myself on my hand-me-down sofa. I needed His direction - and I wasn't hearing a word from Him. I asked God to clearly show me where He wanted me to go next.
Two days later, I shuffled into my cube at 8:06 A.M. I was greeted with an unusually titled email from my manager that read "Call me". I immediately went into instant-replay mode - thinking back to everything I could have possibly done wrong over the past several months. "Oh great, what did I do?" I loathed. My manager proceeded to ask me if I would consider moving to Paris for my next rotation. "Don't trip, Nakia. Surely she means Paris, TX" I said to myself. That is actually a city just a few hours from where I was living in Houston. As she kept talking, she quickly briefed me on applying for a Visa, brushing up on French and how many bags I was allowed to take on the plane. "Oh shoot. She's definitely asking me to move to France”, I thought in my head. In addition to talking to myself, I was also speaking with my manager and the Lord all at the same time. I said to Him, "Are you serious, God? Is this the answer to my prayer? I asked to go closer to home and you want to send me 4,000 miles further away?” I was in complete disbelief.
A few moments of silence passed. "So, what do you think?", my manager asked. After pulsing with a few people I trusted and reconsidering my prayer to the Lord for direction, I decided to go for it. I cannot tell you what God's audible voice sounds like – but I know beyond the shadow of the doubt that He speaks through prayer, people and situations (just to name a few). Proverbs 3:5 says to “trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and He will show you the right way”. There’s a reason why the Lord does not give us every step of the path at once. By giving one direction at a time, we learn to trust and rely on Him. It’s the Lord, not your process that you need to trust.
As I prepared to move to France, I was required to take a two-week graduate level course on data science and analytics in Budapest, Hungary. As I entered the lecture hall on day one, a serious case of déjà vu hit me as I sat with my incredibly brilliant colleagues from around the globe. I have always had a bit of an inferiority complex. My confidence was easily threatened by anyone who even appeared smarter, more successful, or just all-around better than me. Once again, I was studying extra hours to keep up with the brainiacs in my class who complained that the material was not hard enough. For the life of me I could not understand why those students could not just take their "A’s" and have a seat. Whenever I felt that inferiority creeping up, I had to constantly remind myself what God's Word says about me. No, I may not know five programming languages. No, I may not have come from an ivy league school. However, I had to drill Truth into my heart until I believed it. I wrote reminders in the back of my notebook until I believed them: “I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus – His strength shines brightest in my weakness”.
One week of lectures, exams and assignments passed; we started our capstone projects and I was grouped with some of the smartest people in my class. My inferiority complex rose to an all-time high as I began initial conversations about the project with my team. Time passed and I continued to struggle with sharing my ideas. I knew my teammates were incredibly smart - but I grew very concerned we were not on the right track. Our Tableau dashboards seemed to have the most bells and whistles with no business value behind them. After all, I was in a group with very technical software engineers and developers. Could it have been possible that my business background was added to this group for a reason? At the time, I could not see it.
Days went by and I remained silent. When I finally mustered up the confidence to say something, we were already preparing for the final presentation. "What does this really tell us about the dataset?”, I inquired of my group leader. “I'm not sure I understand what story we're telling." After going back to the initial requirements, it did not take me long to convince my teammates we had deviated from the main objective of the entire project. "Now what?", a different teammate said in frustration. I felt guilty. Guilty that I allowed myself to remain silent when I knew I was withholding the value I had to offer to my team.
"We can fix this”, I said to my team. “We just need to revisit the hypotheses we're drawing based on our dataset." Suddenly, I had everyone's attention. I was stumbling over myself - sure of what the solution should be and somehow still uncertain as ever about my own ability to lead my team. I saw my business-oriented education as a weakness among computer scientists and engineers - but it ended up saving our group. In fact, the guy who initially led our group insisted that I lead our presentation. At the end of our demo on presentation day, I was sure my group nailed it. However, we were hit with all kinds of cynical, trick questions from the professors and CIOs once we concluded our presentation. I had just done an entire 360; from apprehensive to assured to downright afraid all over again.
My entire class of nearly 200 filed back into the lecture hall to hear the top performing groups announced. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. "We had a lot of outstanding projects today", our professor said. “But one group went a step beyond all the others. They really had a strong correlation between their final solution and the business case. There was a true story behind the data they were showing us and there was a lot of relevance to the current state of our business". My eyes lit up - realizing those were some of the exact words I said to my group while explaining my initial concerns with our project. He called our group and asked each of us to stand. I was in complete disbelief - not because we won. I was expecting to win because I knew my teammates were smart. I was amazed because I never considered myself to be among them - nor capable of playing a key role in our success. Once again, the Lord taught me what His strength in my weakness really looked like. Before departing from the campus, I was asked to film a short segment on my experience in the Digital Technology Leadership Program.
Class ended and I was nothing short of elated. I was walking away from my third master's course with an A and an award for the best capstone project. Since our class was held in Budapest, my friend Rachel and I planned a vacation to visit Paris, Madrid and Barcelona. As excited as I was, I could not have picked a more inconvenient time to have my first experience abroad. I reached into my pocket after hearing a notification alert from my news app. The title read "Truck plows through French streets killing dozens". I was petrified. Not only was I off to vacation in France, but I had also just signed up to work in France per my manager’s request. Did I really just volunteer to live in a terrorists’ playground? As my vacation continued, at least one new attack was reported daily in Europe. The attacks ranged from bombings to shootings to stabbings on public trains. I was afraid everywhere I went - frantically jumping at the slightest brush against my shoulder on every European train, plane and sidewalk.
Before I boarded the plane for my layover in Germany, a shooting was in the news at a nearby German Mall. On my way to Barcelona, a fatal stabbing took place on a train in Paris. Before I arrived in Barcelona, an attack was reported. It was almost as if each stop on my trip was strategically arranged to shield me from the attacks happening every day. One day sooner or later and I could have found myself among any of the attacks I saw on the news. A few days into vacation, I tossed and turned repeatedly as I miserably failed to take a nap. "Lord, don't tell me you brought me out here in Europe to die”, I said in dramatic prayer. I finally made it overseas and found myself barely missing terrorists attacks everywhere. I didn't want to do any more touring. I didn't even want to fly home.
That afternoon, I tuned into a church service hosted virtually with my friend, Rachel. The scripture referenced by the pastor (Psalm 11) was a direct answer to prayer about my fear of the ISIS attacks:
I trust in the LORD, so why did you tell me to run and hide? Why did you say, “Fly like a bird to your mountain?” Like hunters, the wicked hide in the dark. They get their bows ready and aim their arrows. They shoot at good, honest people. What would good people do if the wicked destroyed all that is good? The LORD is in his holy temple. The LORD sits on his throne in heaven. He sees everything that happens. He watches people closely.
Through these scriptures and prayer, the Lord reminded me Who He is and that He had everything under control. His Word says to cast all your cares on Him – because He cares for you. There is no problem too big or small for Him to tend to. From that day on … I took each step in Europe like the Lord was walking in front, behind and on each side of me. The beautiful thing about that is, He was.
Through these scriptures and prayer, the Lord reminded me Who He is and that He had everything under control. His Word says to cast all your cares on Him – because He cares for you. There is no problem too big or small for Him to tend to. From that day on … I took each step in Europe like the Lord was walking in front, behind and on each side of me. The beautiful thing about that is, He was.
There's never a time where we need the Lord "now more than ever" - just times when we are more aware of our daily, desperate need for Him. Those situations are necessary to remind us Who we are dependent on. When the God calls you to do something, it will be God-sized. He will never ask you to do something you can achieve with your own abilities, resources, or strength – because it will teach you nothing about who He is. I have learned that I must depend on Him.
Earlier this week, I was awaken from a pretty dramatic dream. I was hosting a few friends over celebrating the New Year when I glanced out the window and noticed two small fires burning on my patio. I had a decision to make: call 911 or try to put out the fires myself. After convincing myself it would take ten minutes before any fire fighters would arrive, I grabbed my brother and went to work. We started running back and forth from my kitchen to my patio with buckets of water - trying to put the fires out ourselves. After all, the fires were small. As soon as we finished putting the fires out, we turned around and noticed more fires growing. Instead of calling for help, we found ourselves exhausted and frantic - trying to do something we could not do on our own.
I believe that even if I was successful trying to do everything myself, I would be exhausted and burned out all the time. I am so glad Jesus offers a better solution. Here’s what His invitation to you says:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A yoke is a wooden beam that is normally used between two animals. It allows them to distribute the load while working as a pair. Imagine Jesus walking beside you – interlocked in a yoke with you and helping you carry your load. Though the burden was never supposed to be His, He helps us because He loves us. When we pray, read His Word and spend time in His presence, we create room for Christ to uplift us. Whatever load you may be carrying today, know that God never requires you to carry it alone. When you commit your plans to Him, you cannot lose. Declare your dependence on Christ in all you do. Though your strength may seem invisible, you will be made invincible through Him.
