Emotional Brilliance

I had a dream last night that made me realize how much I have grown in the last 10 years. In the dream I finally broke free from the control of a very manipulative friend I had in high school, I told her off for all of her cruel treatment and told her she didn’t deserve me. Then Villanelle (from killing eve) put three staples into her neck. Later in the dream that same ex friend had to seat at the end of a large banquet hall where my boyfriend, all his/my friends, and I were having a fun drunken party. I was the only person she knew and she had to walk up the table (staples still in her neck) and ask me for a right home later, to which I nonchalantly said “of course, I wasn’t planning on abandoning you. But we’re not leaving anytime soon”.

In all honesty this doesn’t seem like that epic of a dream. But I was never in a position of power in that friendship, she was never hurt by me, or even needed my word on anything. I never had anything she valued and I was treated like dirt for it.

a boyfriend, “popular” friends, being conventionally “attractive”, having a backbone, or a career.

And in this one dream, I had everything. But I have everything in real life now. I have learned to not treat these things in my life as currency in the way that I may have done in high school. Which stopped me from realizing I am not the person I was in high school.

I have a lot of what my high school self wanted so badly. But I think most importantly, my willingness to stand up for myself, and for the people I care about is what has improved the most. I would never accept the kind of treatment that friend put me through today. This idea came to fruition this morning as I recalled the dream. This idea has set me free in a sense. I am free, free from her, free from the person she made me into, and free to love the life I am growing into. 

It sure felt incredible to stand up to her and let her feel an ounce of what it felt like to be her friend for 2 years. But damn I miss my friends, and I miss my life.