Pulling the Puzzles Apart

putting myself first. and not just in the easy ways. not just in the ways that people applaud and understand. sometimes it’s saying no, it’s setting a hard boundary, it’s breaking tradition and it’s ugly and sad and hard and exhausting. but i’m fucking doing it.

i deactivated the fundraiser just now. and cried. not because the donations ended, but because it means that this is over, that this is my normal now. except nothing is normal. some days i feel nothing and some days i feel everything, but every day i hurt. physically hurt. i don’t know how to do this. i don’t know how to navigate the logistics, the grief, the other people who want to help but can’t. i guess no one would know how to do this. and people have been so supportive, they’re here to help, but at the end of the day it’s me. i have to do the things. i’ve been putting this off for weeks, and now i know why. tonight i’m feeling everything. and tomorrow i have to wake up and do it all over again, commanding my feelings not to be felt so that i can get through the day and check off the boxes. i’m fucking exhausted.