utopie

I fucking hate myself so fucking much

I hate myself so fucking much

I wish I were fucking dead

I’m going to go fucking insane

I am so fucking sad but I’m happy I’m making progress and it’s such a mess

I have fucked things up so much over the last few days. I hate all of this so much. I’m making progress in every other aspect but this one thing and it is killing me... I miss him so much.

I’ve done a lot of bad things over the course of the past two years. I took a lot people for granted and treated a lot of people terribly. I’ve cut out a lot of people that have done nothing but love me. But most importantly I pushed the one person that has done nothing but give me everything away. I love him with everything in me and I refused to let that feeling into myself for the entirety of our relationship. I barely had ahold of him.. I got him through a miracle and I did not deserve it. But I’m trying to mend this. I’m trying to make this better. I’m trying to be better for myself and everyone else in my life. But I did him wrong the most. I didn’t show him the love that he deserves and that is not okay. But I am trying. I am becoming a better person. I am trying. I just hope it’s not too late because I can do this. I can give him what he deserves. I love him so much and he deserves to feel that love.

I just want to be on your mind

I love him so much

I hate myself so much

My fucking urges are back and I’m just fucking scared